Thursday, October 30, 2008

Poison: Let Her Drink It

The man is toxic for me...My stomach is churning thinking about him and the words he chooses to say actually the words he chooses not say. A headache is sure to follow. Why can't this man, after I've poured my heart out to him, pour at least 1/4 of his out to me? Why does he continue to relish in my unhappiness?

I'm sick of this, literally, but I know how to fix it

My Choice: *.*.* Take him. Keep him... away from me in all shapes and forms. *, Downgrade all you want just please leave me out of it...Don't make a choice baby, I'll choose for you- I'm good at that.

He doesn't get it and never will. Of all that I wrote for him to read on here, He missed every single important point. He addressed nothing. After all he's done, he stuck to what was safe for him, totally disregarding what I needed to hear him say. My feelings mean as much to him as hers (probably less), and I cannot handle that- why should I have to compete with anyone?(I am so tempted to post a comparison photo from all angles LoL) I won't compete with what I've already beaten- and there in lies the problem. The choice for him was clear and he made it- *.*.*. The ball is in my court and I've chosen to pick it up and go home. I am not staying in this game. I played hard when I didn't need to. I tossed him the ball for the alley oop in the last 2 seconds, but he decided the cheerleader (*.*.*) was too much distraction. What else can I do but go home, defeated?

Take his pipe, his words, his touches, everything about him that charmed and endeared me. Please erase my photographic memory for your sake and mines as well.

This trip might just be the end, I'm certain. The end of a twisted chapter that I hope I will only re-read in laughter while I sit with my husband and think about how I almost sacrificed it all for one who was willing to give up nothing for me. Am I not worth at least something to him? It hurts me to say that, I mean actual pain. No really, please feel me on this, ACTUAL PAIN. I got short of breath and lightheaded when I came to this conclusion- that I must let him go. What hurts more is that he doesn't care. Why doesn't he care? because he has her (*.*.*). Scratch that, he cares about me- he just happens to care about her as well. He'd be physically sick if he stopped talking to me, yet he's willing to sacrifice that. I can't try to keep something that doesn't want to be kept. I'll let her handle that from now on.

He can't stand to not talk to her because they are such good "friends". LoLs! cracks me up every time I replay the words- In that not funny sort of way. In that seriously "are you joking?" sort of way. I would share with her just how fond of her he really is, but I think I'll let her be "surprised" when she raises enough of her money to go and see him (or perhaps he'll pay for his precious one to come and continue whats been on his mind anyway) lol. She's one of those, "He-must-love-me-because-he-chose-me-over-her- girls," One of those types that will feel special just because he still talks to her, not realizing that she's only hurting herself with those glimmers of hope.

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