Monday, March 16, 2009

When Does it Move Past Necessary to Nagging?

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, typically, what I write is probably fashioned toward topics that women are more interested in, but I would really enjoy a man’s perspective on this. We as people, not just women, want to feel happy and secure in our relationships. Everyone likes to have a sense that what they have is, indeed, theirs. These feelings, as sweet as they are, can cause many other side effects. Yes, side effects. To name a few, jealousy, insecurity and just overall annoying behavior. :: LoL ::. In all seriousness though, once someone begins to care for another person so deeply (or much worse, love), they tend to, in my opinion, make that person their everything. As Keyshia Cole puts it, they allow that person to “complete them.” As wonderfully romantic as that sounds, I think it can potentially cause problems. My issue with that concept (though I do love the song), is that the Lord should be the entity that completes you before any man ever does (do read The Lady, Her Lover, and Lord, great read from the “Woman Thou Art Loosed” series). Your identity should not lie with a man, especially if he’s not your husband. I agree that he should be endeared, cherished by you (if the relationship is that far along), but he should not actually be your “everything.” Ephesians 2:10 says that we are God’s workmanship- Not some man’s (or woman’s) but God’s. Anyway, once you incorporate a man into your essence, into your spirit, into you, all the little things he may do wrong, or simply not to your liking, might become more prominent. Your radar for potential competition is also heightened; though some, including myself (hehe), would never admit that. In my opinion, what logically follows after these onerous emotions are allowed to fester, are more arguments. Of course, it’s okay to communicate your wants and needs to your partner, and they should want to make you happy (and vice versa), but when does that “communication” get to be too much? I’m not sure where that limit is, but once a man becomes so indurate, salvaging what’s left of the relationship can be impossible.

I was watching the movie Fireproof, and a woman’s constant nagging of her husband eventually caused a huge implosion in their relationship (aka a very heated argument). Now, he never said that he wasn’t wrong, but he was making an effort to change. Most men, however, do not communicate that they realize what things, specifically, they need to work on. Things would be much easier if he would just sit you down and say, “Listen, baby, I know I’m doing XXX wrong; or I know I that I’ve been lacking in XXX area, but I recognize this, and I promise you I am working on it.” Since men don’t like to say the aforementioned statement, how else does a woman let him know, but to tell him? And, if she has to tell him because he refuses to communicate it himself, how many times is too many to mention it? If she tells him once, and he works on it for a while, but then reverts to his old ways, is it okay to mention it again?

Men, I’d love to hear your perspectives on this, because obviously, you’d know the answer better than I would!

Also if you're wondering what your "identity" in Christ is, here's a great site:
http://encouragingbiblequotes.com/verses2a.html

And here's an article on why nagging is Not the answer lol:
http://marriage.about.com/od/chores/a/nagging.htm

9 comments:

  1. its ok to mention it as long as you don't overdo it as it seems some females seem to do. If you tell a man something and we say we're gonna work on it you can't expect the man to make a complete 180 overnight, give him some time to try and adjust to this change. I was put in that situation myself in my last relationship where I said I would work on something and i was trying but she would bring it up almost everyday and it eventually pissed me off and put up a wall between us. After a while if the man doesn't change like he said you can bring it up again just make sure you don't overdo it and start to nag lol

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  2. Nagging. This is something that is subjective and with that being said there is not considerable way to effectively evaluate one's situation cause they/we are all different(apparently). We may only generalize which walks hand and hand with Mr. Opinion and we all know he is first cousins to Ms.Useless.

    Nagging is determined by the person on the receiving end. I have never heard of someone saying "I think I am nagging right now" The severity of it can have a lot to do with the subject, time of day and the persons involved. A simple way to diagnose whether you are nagging or not is if someone was doing the same thing to you how would you feel it about it? We all could parallel this to our siblings nagging you for attention or someone nagging you for money, we all know the feeling.

    I have found that a good way to rectify a bad argument or just a discussion that has come from nagging is, pausing for a second and asking your self and the person you are conversing with "what exactly is the problem?". After the statement is made listen and then only talk about worthy solutions to the problem. This will eliminate all the unnecessary comments, arguing and most of all wasted time. Trust me it works, try it out. Lastly this is the hardest thing to do but try to listen to what the person is saying... and not how they are saying it.

    ~The Student~

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  4. Chrissy P. Thinks: There never seems to be a fine line between nagging and simply mentioning...if it's simply mentioned it falls on deaf ears. As a sometimes naggy woman myself, why do I have to mention something (over&over) that's obviously necessary in the first place. Is it a man's secret desire to have his girl continue to ask the same thing of him repeatedly or maybe he could just care less about the girl, the relationship or the thing mentioned? Nagging not only annoys the man but the WOMAN. If it has to resort to nagging, then we're being taken for granted and it's quite obvious! It's seldom that women are nagged by their lover's because we feel the need to satisfy our lover's needs and desires. If you leave a relationship don't attribute it to "oh they constantly nagged me" the truth is, "I was to lazy or selfish to consider my partner's needs so we split". Communication is definitely the key but men & women speak 2 different languages. So yes I'm curious too, what's the limit? Should a woman leave a man if she has to ask things of him repeatedly?....fellas?

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  5. i totally agree with you when you say that God should be your number one. For me, I know that he loves me more than any person could ever love me. I think people lose sight of this when they get rapped up in their busy lifestyles. I know I do...life is a roller coaster...and there are temptations everywhere. As for nagging, it usually shows that they care...but at the same time, too much of it is just annoying and can ruin a relationship. Its like the complainer. No one wants to hang out with someone who is always complaining. There are other ways to get your point across without nagging.

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  6. My perspective on this subject of nagging.. It is and always will be an inevitable part of relationships. At one point or another one of the parties in a relationship tends to want to express their aggravation/frustration with their counterpart and most of the time if they are passionate about it they probably will over do it just a little. I agree that as individuals we have to focus on ourselves before we try and focus on another person and god should be first in everybody's lives who actually believe in him (cuz as we all know there are plenty of folks out here who don't believe in our lord and savior).

    From personal experience I will lend this advice, stay open to all forms of communication (letter, email, voicemail, text message, and regular conversation) and try to utilize the one that best suits you and the ideas you are attempting to express. And be prepared to listen as well don't just think that you can put everything out on the table and there not be a retort..

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  7. Good post, Sharrise. I think when two people are in a relationship, only they really know the difference between "communicating" and "nagging." Most of the time, when women (and men) nag their partners, they know exactly what they are doing when they are doing it. I just think it's about finding a way to convey what it is you are trying to say, in a tone of voice that tells your partner that you are serious about the issue you are discussing and want to find a result that leaves you both satisfied/content.

    ~*Natoshia

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  8. Thanks so much for the perspective all! I am somewhat clueless when it comes to relationships, so it's very helpful to me! :-)

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  9. You'll never be able to change a person. Ever.

    You should mention what you think is wrong, whether they do or not. But accept that you can change it ....

    Read the entire Serenity Prayer. It'll lead you in the right direction.

    Also, read this: http://thismayconcernyou.com/2009/03/23/38-my-not-so-super-ex-girlfriend/

    and the second part that follows. It will give you some scope for what happens when you try to change someone: IT NEVER WORKS. lol.

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