Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Letting Go- That's Right- The Ex....

It starts with "like" (anyone that knows me, knows that I consider "love at first sight to be utter f*ckery"). An ongoing exchange of phone calls. Get-togethers become frequent.. Blah Blah Blah- you know how it goes. You end up together, with a wealth of feelings for each other that can barely be managed. It's a rush. It's fresh. Pure Pulchritude. Then, time passes and those fresh apples become molded pork (lol quite a jump huh?). The fire dies. The passion is over. Nothing lasts forever they say...

One major issue, however, is that sometimes the is only lost for one party. One study that produced interesting findings showed that 51% of women say they initiated their break-ups; but only 32% of men claim they were dumped ( In more rare cases, feelings aren't lost by either party- they simply don't work together. These situations raise a myriad of questions, and I'd just like to hear some opinions.

The Ex, The Breakup. My main question here is: How long does it take to get over a break up? According to Charlotte of Sex and the City, "It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them." So, if you date someone for a year, you need 6 full months to get over them. Then there's the other frequent saying, "the best way to get over one man is to get under another." The statistic above shows a real disconnect between people- not just men and women- when it comes to splitting up. It could possibly explain the drama and confusion that can come with ending a relationship. If a man cuts his significant other off completely, how long should it be before that person ceases communicating with that man all together? Me personally, I have a bit of a pride issue. Love is new territory for me, but if you block my number, refuse to see me, don't answer my twacespace msgs (LOL), I'm done with you. You won't have to tell me twice. I will be in pain but still manage to forget I ever felt anything for you. However, not everyone is this strong (oops I mean stubborn lol). Depending on how deep and intense the connection was, a person can harbor feelings of love forever it seems. What I'm asking is, when is it time for someone to shake the sh*t out of this love-sick creature and say- 'It's been long enough, get over it!' ?

That New-New. Not knowing when to let go can raise a multitude of issues. I think we've all heard stories of women (oo Bag Lady you better listen to Erykah Badu) who carry so much baggage into their relationship that the new man is overwhelmed. Men have the same problem. He still has love for the ex girl, and he constantly compares the new interest to her: "Hey baby, I'd love it if you wore your hair like this..." Sure that seems innocent enough, right? Until you find out that it was Ms. Ex's signature style (ha!). Both men and women seem to think they can keep an ex in their life in certain capacities without old feelings resurfacing. Here's my little tid-bit of logic- if it's been years, and you STILL question yourself and/or your feelings regarding this person, you're probably not a suitable candidate for a new relationship. So to all the newbies out there, how do you handle this? My opinion as of right now is this- a platonic Ex, fine- check on her. laugh with her. hell, go a little wild & play a game of Yahtzee together (lol). HOWEVER and this is a huge one- if there are any feelings there, I expect her to be cut off- totally, until further notice. This goes for men and women. I notice an excuse I hear from both sexes is that their Ex is now in a relationship, so it's okay for them and the Ex to communicate. Why even put yourself in a place to question your relationship with the new because you're dwelling on the old- it didn't work out for a reason. I made this mistake before, and I hurt someone who really didn't deserve it. I tried to use him as a stand in. I told myself and him I was over it- it was a year ago why wouldn't I be? Well, I wasn't. Even though I never spoke to him, never even a hello, I thought about him all the time. To this day, he breezes through my mind occasionally. The difference now is that, I have absolutely nothing but friendly emotions toward him- I no longer wonder about what could have been because what is, what I have is wonderful...without him. :)

Cutting someone off with a sharp, clean snip may sound harsh, but should your new interest really have to deal with that (and most likely, the subsequent trust issues)? Sort out your feelings for the old person and then enter someoneelse's life in a romantic sense. Do you agree? If not, Please let me hear your opinions on it.

In the case that you don't have a new special someone in your life, I am a person that doesn't believe in burning bridges, even those that you no longer cross. Ex's, unless something malicious occurred, can definitely still be friends. In fact, it may help you to get over the person if you talk through your issues and come to a full agreement that breaking up would be the best for both of you.

As I said, I am really looking for people's opinions on this. It seems to be a common problem, and your words might help someone...

1 comment:

  1. This post really touched me. I'm currently going through something similar, but I'm not sure how to completely cut him off. We're on the same campus & I'm constantly running into him [or one of his females, AHEM] & my heart still drops & flutters whenever I see him. I'm trying to involve myself with someone else to help me take my mind off of him, but I still find myself comparing him to my ex. Not only that, the new dude has an ex'fiance, & sometimes I think he tries to love me the way he used to love her, & it's awkward.

    The feelings I have more my ex, are putting up a fight. Our history is preventing me from creating a better present & future, because my heart still yearns for the "what we could have been" & the potential we had. Not only that, he still CONTACTS me saying how much he loves & misses me, making it THAT much harder to pull away...

    I have THEE most drama, & this is basically my first real relationship, & I'm only a sophomore in college. Sorry for the long port, I just felt that I could really, REALLY relate. :[