Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Butterfly Effect and I'm Sorry I Failed You

I am currently being consumed by a state of guilt and profundity. And, perhaps this is where God needs me to be. Perhaps this will finally be the catalyst to my surrendering and learning that the wages of sin, of disobedience are indeed death. I lost a dear friend recently, and I just… I can’t describe this feeling. Ya’ll will say you understand, but you don’t feel me though. You can’t. I appreciate the ones who try.
I believe we all experience a different reality. Due to the beautiful coalescence of nature and nurture, we all have a different perception, a different interpretation of the world around us. No one person views any experience exactly the same. One philosophy that greatly shapes my perception of reality, aside from the fact that I believe in God, is that I don't believe in coincidence, I think it's a word humans use to placate their minds; to assuage situations that they feel they might otherwise have no control over (they actually do have control- I’ll get into that later).  I believe that everything we do, every millisecond of our lives has meaning, a reason- the butterfly effect so to speak.

Without going into details on this post, my guilt in this situation comes from the fact that I neglected to do something that I truly felt led to do. I let me get the best of me. Yes, you read that right. I let My emotions; My fears stop me from doing something that should’ve been done, from saying something that should’ve been said.  Every choice we make is like a stone being thrown in a pond; the ripple radiates out and changes...everything.
Perhaps if I would’ve just been obedient to that voice inside of me, the Spirit, I could’ve changed something. Certainly, several confounding factors were at play, but right now… right now, I am learning a hard lesson…

I’ve come across people who say they don’t want to believe in God because they feel like it’s giving up their control in life- “We are the masters of our own destinies.” They feel like submitting to God, means giving up power, autonomy. However, I feel like, it’s all in how one perceives it. Through God, we're armed with one of the greatest powers of all- the power of choice. The seemingly most insignificant of choices, can have effects and reactions that span further than we’ll ever know. In God, you are still the master of your own destiny, He simply provides His children with guidelines (I like to call it the Bible) on which choices to make; which ones to avoid; and how to go about executing those choices.  It’s completely up to you if you follow them or not.

Anyway, this isn’t meant to be some evangelistic post or a judgmental one (well maybe a bit of self-judgment). Basically, I wrote this in remembrance of a dear friend, and to provoke thought in anyone that cares to think. The words “Say what you need to say” have never hit me so hard before. It may seem crass to advert to John Mayer at this point, but I know that some of you can’t feel me from the Biblical aspect. You honestly don’t know how long you’ll have to say those words, to get over YOU and just do it. Please don't forget that. 

R.I.P Billy… My “Diamond in the Rough,” “Diamond seen with perfect clarity.” I’m not sure on my beliefs as to the relationship between the dead and this world. Some say they can still hear/feel what you say because only their bodies are gone, not their spirits. Well, if that’s true, I hope those quotes made you smile a little.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Why Am I a Terrible Almost Friend?

Have you ever felt like you were pushing someone in your life away? I feel like I have this syndrome, wherein, I will get close to a person, genuinely like them, and then just... I don't know, fall flat. The fire just goes out. No, I'm not referring to romantic relationships. I used to be like that with men, but I'm currently in a romantic relationship that's been going strong for years now. Friends though? Ugh. That's how I know the few constant, long-term friends I have were made just for me... I actually work to keep them. It's not that I don't trust new people I meet (I don't -_-), it's just that I... well I give up. Call it a subconscious preservation mechanism or even conceit or selfishness, if you will. I'll take the bashing, because I do feel terrible for this character flaw of mine.

Without naming names (Though, this applies to so many people in my life, I doubt you'd figure it out), let me give you an example. There was a girl that I met out here and immediately hit it off with. I instantly liked her- we were similar, yet different where it counts (yes, I said what I meant). Long story short, I made a strong effort to, "seal the deal" for maybe 3 weeks. Then, I just stopped. No particular reason. The need for the friendship with her just faded. Perhaps she wasn't responsive enough to my efforts. Perhaps I felt she wasn't genuine, who knows? We're still cool, and, at times, I wish I'd done better. I'm just a  terrible keeper-upper-wither <---- LOL, welcome to my dictionary.

Is it just me that's this terrible of a person? Please say no... haha

Friday, August 12, 2011

It's Not Promised.

You know, it's truly astonishing for me to see how young people these days still feel that sense of invincibility, and treat life like it's nothing. That carefree attitude that nothing bad can happen... simply because they are young. A friend lost his sister to cancer today- his young sister. When I say young, I mean under age 30. I don't see how young people today could feel so distant from death and turmoil because the internet has become an intrinsic part of our daily lives.

As soon as I saw the FB update, I said to myself, "Oh No! Please don't let it be who I think it was!"... I searched.

My point in the above is simple- these days you don't have to read the "Obituaries" section of the newspaper to find out who died. Log on to your favorite social networking site, and it's right there, in your face. Not only the ease of access, but when the deceased person also has a profile/account on the site, you get to see just how many lives they touched. How different it is, to see photos of someone, laughing. smiling. living; than to simply read about who they left behind and who loved them. For goodness sakes, this girl JUST took a smiling picture of herself. That boy was JUST photographed at a party with his friends. They were all vibrant... until they weren't. Seeing these photos of someone with a vivid life, viewing the comments left about them, the memories... My gosh, how can you not appreciate your life more!? How can you not realize that the next day isn't promised?

So people, I say to you with a somber heart this morning, please stop taking life for granted. Who knows when you won't have the choice to do so anymore.. R.I.P. B.D. May God bless your family with a peace that surpasses any earthly understanding.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Ahhh The Answering Machine...

Am I seriously the only one who misses answering machines? The girlish giddiness that came with waiting on that certain someone to leave a message, saving and replaying the message when it was someone you liked...

Now mind you, when answering machines were around, I certainly wasn't of age to be experiencing such things, but my siblings and friends were. I can remember the exuberant joy they expressed when the message came- a request for their time (ie. a date); and the tears when the message never came. Nowadays, I guess we just wait for... a text messgae/IM/e-mail? I feel like I missed out!

I, for one, never check the voicemail on my personal cellphone, and anyone that knows me well, knows not to even bother. Anyway, I don't have much to say on this topic. I have a boyfriend... would you guys judge me if I bought an answering machine and asked him to leave sweet everythings and anythings on it? :-)

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Spiritual Accountability... The Lack Thereof

As I was reaching out to a God I don't deserve, I thought of something a pastor once told me, that God can't hear you if you don't come to him with a clean heart... does He ever hear me then? This is what I'm afraid of. I try to remind myself that God is a merciful God, but geez, me? It's overwhelming to think that an entity so great could love the real me- someone who lies, lashes out and falls short... constantly. Doe He truly have enough grace to cover a sinner like me? Am I remorseful? Yes. Am I always full of repentance and asking for forgiveness? Of course, but I still commit the same sins, again and again. For instance, cursing. I seriously repent for this every day. When will He get tired of me not kicking this habit? I went 6+ months without cursing once, but my current situation, environment just...upsets the mess out of me. Even still, I need to learn how to choose happiness more often.

Anyway, I said all that to ask those of you, with like-minded faith and perhaps even similar problems, that you keep me in your prayers. Prayer is powerful. I know from firsthand experience, and I never let anyone tell me different. Where I currently reside, there is such a lack of spiritual support- no one to have accountability to, on a spiritual level. I
 need that- without judgment, but with much blunt honesty and love. Anyone need an e-accountability partner? (Lol), but seriously... I was so proud of my boyfriend the other day, when he "checked" me regarding something I'd said. Though he did not exercise this check in a loving nor nonjudgmental way (ha), he still did it. And, I suppose I can't be too picky right now. ^^

Sorry for the rambling, but I needed to get this out. After all, is that not what blogs are for? Perhaps I should find a way to get this thing separated into sections by topic? Have a good week people!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

How Diverse and Open-minded Are We… Really?

 This question has had itself stuck in my mind ever since a friend of mine got to witness how life is for me, on a daily basis, in Korea. Although I actually do believe that this particular friend of mine is quite open-minded, it struck me as interesting that this was his first time witnessing this. My story in Korea is no unique one- pretty much every black person I know, who teaches in Korea, experiences this. Then it struck me that perhaps he’d never been out in Korea, around a black person for any significant amount of time (10 minutes lol). It got me wondering: how many people, myself included, have this odd belief of what a diversified friend base is? You know, having friends of various demographics and beliefs. Sure, it’s nice to have like-minded, people around, but do any of us truly have friends that are that different from ourselves?

Of course, the only person I can fully analyze is me, so I decided to start my evaluation by looking at my call log. My boyfriend is whom I speak with the most- I hate talking on the phone- and after him, a lovely Korean-Canadian girl that I met out here. She shall remain nameless. ^^ I thought to myself, okay; there is someone distinctly different from myself, whom I consider to be a very close friend. Next, I looked at all my instant messaging programs; I have about 4 of them. There is where I really saw just how varied my friend base is: Korean-natives, a few white people, black people, Korean-Americans, Europeans, Island people. Although I don’t consider my Facebook pictures to be credible representations of my daily life as far as “friends” go, my messenger “statistics,” and quite a few of my pictures were actually contiguous. I don’t count people I hold laconic conversations with upon passing and never speak to again. I feel pretty good about this. It’s very important to me to be surrounded by a plethora of views and personalities. According to Chris Frith's book (Great Book or Here), because of how our brains work, no two people EVER interpret an experience in EXACTLY the same way. I’m the type of person who prefers to have various perspectives at their disposal.

Can any of you say the same? Some articles purport that we choose friends who are an extension of ourselves. Others say that we choose friends who complete us. According to an article in PNAS (PNAS), and several others, friends are chosen based on similarities to us. However, this same article also poses a new ideal- that genotype actually plays a role in the friends we choose. How interesting! Could our genetic makeup seriously predispose us to be friends (or not be friends) with certain people? I’m a neuroscience nerd, so I’ll spare you all that data haha. An even more interesting morsel for thought was an article which posited “an alliance hypothesis for friendship.” It suggests that we choose friends based on who will side with us. You can read the basics of this article here Genetic Friends, but I’d recommend further research as this particular article on the topic is a bit short.  

Anyway, I’m getting too excited over the science stuff, back to my original question: Are you truly as open-minded/diverse as you claim to be… if say, you are a white person and ALL of your true friends you hang out with are also white? …if you are a black person who has not one single Korean friend…in Korea?  Let’s take race out of the equation. If you’re beautiful, do you have any friends who you consider unattractive, that you actively hang out with? If you’re thin/fit, do you have any fat friends (yea, I said it)?

A proverb from an Aesop Fable said that a man is known by the company he keeps. If one were to view your company, would you prove to be multi-faceted? 

I highly recommend checking out Chris Frith's book, if your interested in neuroscience, without toooo much technical speak. Another great book on friendship is this one: The Meaning of Friendship

Photo from what I'm sure is a hilariously racist website (lol):

Monday, June 20, 2011

Distorted Worth - A Rough Draft

I'd love to say that you never hurt me, but that would bring me down to your level of deception. I never wanna stoop that low... But Ooo is that an erection?

You, see what I mean? Everything about you is built to lure me into a chasm of splendid f*ckery

Where I fall onto you, allowing you to fall into me, imparting inorganic emotions, left on the tip of your dick from the sticky drip of that last pathetic woman you were f*ckin'

See just thinkin' about that gets me angrily moist. Angry knowing you touched her, wet knowing I have to be better 'cuz you always come back to me...right?

I'm that ketchup stain on your favorite graphic tee. You try to rub me out, and yea I may fade from your memory sometimes, butt you still wear me with pride, knowing that no matter how noticeable I am, I'll always be your best look.

You've enchanted my sanity and I'm not sure of what its transformed to, but baby I know If you give us more time, I can transform you. I'm one of those poetic women. I look past what you are, into what you could be. 
Your potential is what pulls me. 
Damnit why don't you appreciate that you don't have to be that good to me? I'll take you with my dreamer's eyes and keep gazing into the future, while you presently diss me.

All those other girls, they need a MAN to Respect them. Me? I just need you and all your various imperfections. Disturbia at best is the only to describe this connection. 
The future progressive tense is the only chance I have making sense of "us":
He will be loving me...

Written for a friend who simply under-evaluates her worth, time and time again...

Monday, May 23, 2011

Sorry It's Been So Long

Hello Loovvaahhsss :-) So sorry that I haven't written in a while. I actually have a bunch to upload on my computer. Typical of my health in Seoul, I am actually sick again :-( I figure I can use this down time (wait, is it really downtime if I'm writing this from work?) to update you all with that's been going on. This will just be a short post, regarding my hair. I am pretty happy with the growth and length retention. No lie, it's HARD work, but every time I wash, and see the difference, it's worth it. These most recent pictures are from a co-wash I did on 5-22-2011. I still need to find a way to combat my shedding, but for the most part, all is well. Natural hair rocks!

Although, I still can't figure out how I got all these crazy colors in my head (lol). I've never dyed my hair, not once. Enjoy the album:  Natural Hair Update

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Threesomes - Is Three Really Still Considered a Crowd?

Now that I got that rant out of the way, I have a question: Are threesomes still taboo?

Ha, I kind of just dove right in there didn’t I? Before I go any further, I should mention, that I frequently color out of socially-placed lines and boundaries. My coloring book would like the blissful fodder of a three year old to someone who isn’t a social deviant like yours truly.

Anyway, I would really like to know the answer. This question was initially provoked from a conversation I had with a few friends online. Everyone was trying to give one e-friend advice on how to steam it up with her bf after having not seen him in a long time. The topic of a 3some came up in that discussion somehow, and I noticed that the perspectives on it were truly torn. I’d like to clarify that we were discussing the most common type of threesome- 2 girls/1 guy.  I gathered the following:
  • One girl thought they were OK…if none of the involved parties were in a serious relationship. She expressed insecurity regarding the other woman wanting more of “her” man without her permission.
  • Another expressed that she would never do that: “Another girl can’t do anything for me.”
  • The younger of the bunch said that threesomes were no big deal, with a shrug.
  • Another simply felt that threesomes were too taboo for her, and that her boyfriend should be satisfied with just her.

The last comment is the one that struck me the most I suppose. In an age where people “cyber sex” with each other via Skype, and text message naked photos, I find it hard to believe that anything sexually-related is “taboo” anymore. When I was in college, it seemed like everyone and their mother was jumping into one of these. Though I never “took the bait,” I, myself, was extended the offer from couples on several occasions. However, the offers were not turned down because I thought them strange or taboo, I simply wasn’t into them (for spiritual and other reasons). I also found the latter part of her perspective on them intriguing.

My first thought (being the undercover feminist that I sometimes can be), was “why does it have to be the boyfriend that wants the threesome?” I personally know quite a few women who brought this idea up to their boyfriends first. According to most psychological sources I’ve seen, they say “threesomes are every MAN’S fantasy.” I happen to think that men only openly admit to wanting threesomes more, because it is more socially acceptable for him to do so. It goes back to that classic double standard and assumption. It’s assumed that men are intrinsically programmed to want to spread their seed with as many women as possible. They are praised for this. They get “G-points” for this. Women though? Women who admit to wanting sex with more than one man or, **GASP** a woman AND a man, are whores, much worse Slores. They are tramps in the eyes of society, unfit for marriage and houses with white picket fences and the like. Women, in my opinion, are constantly having to stifle their sexual wants and needs to please society (not just men, because many women impose social chains on themselves and other women. I think men would be happier if women were more open….much happier lol). I say, Rage Against the Machine, women! You want what you want, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Be prepared to accept the consequences of this particular arena though (i.e. Jealousy).

My next thought was, “Does having the sexual fantasy of a threesome, automatically imply that you are dissatisfied sexually with your partner??” I truly don’t think so. I always thought the point of a sexual fantasy was to fulfill some outlandish, lustful desire. It could have existed long before the person partnered with their significant other. Her comment implies that your significant other should completely fulfill and or remove your pre-existing sexual fantasies. Personally, I think the only problem with a fantasy comes in when 2 people don’t share the same fantasy and aren’t willing to compromise. I don’t think that wanting a threesome screams to your partner that you aren’t satisfied with them.

For the people who agree with and or engage/have engaged in threesomes, did you feel that is spiced up your relationship? Or did it harm the relationship? If so, how? How did you bring the topic up to your partner? What happens if the third party is better in bed than your significant other? Again, please remember that this post is mainly referring to the most commonly reported type of ménage a trois- 2 girls/1 guy.

For those who disagree with them and would never engage in one, what are your reasons? If you look at it from a spiritual perspective, do you feel that bringing another person into your marriage, ruins the sanctity of it? Do the thoughts of the possible uncleanliness of the third party make your skin crawl? (lol)

Here are some various perspectives on threesomes. I did not read them all:

Update Before the Update- Short Rant

I have a new post coming directly after this one, but first let me go on a short rant:

Please stop sending me messages about my statuses/posts offending you, unless I have truly said something crazy (which is quite possible because it is ME we are talking about). Although some claims have been legitimate, others have been plain childish- simple misunderstandings of my brand of humor (straight no chaser lol). If you don't like what I say, delete me. It is that simple. However, for you to have the audacity to try to tell me how I should deal with my experiences, how I should react to them, and what I should say about them on a public forum, on an account registered to ME, is simply absurd. My statuses and my blog are my outlet for MY interpretation of MY experiences. Instead of getting offended, why don't you try to logically and maturely enlighten me on how I may be misinterpreting something? And this is not just about the things I write about Korea. I have people write me often, regarding things I say on women, men and relationships.

As far as my feelings on Korea go, I feel that communication lines between foreigner and Korean have become grossly twisted. I am open to having a large group discussion where people can discuss their likes/dislikes, qualms and misunderstandings. Would anyone else be up for this?

Shoot me an e-mail/msg/comment/whatever.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Self-inflicted Prison... Wrote This One a Few Weeks Ago...

My body is a cage
Constrained by limits of my own placing
If you could only feel with my same nerves the anticipation that comes with bracing
For the next restriction I'll thrash my spirit with
Savage I am, but aren't we all to ourselves?

I once thought love was the key to all happiness
Forgetting that if self love comes last, love is nothing but another subject to be concealed within Pandora's box.

I cry ya'll. Every night.

Despite the depths within the labyrinth of my mind, my many thoughts all come back to one.
With the grief of Athena, I focus all emotion there.
Wondering what would be if I never made that one slip
That distraction that turned my one attempt into addiction.

My only hope is self-freedom, but I can't get past the self-redemption... These bars... How do I bend them?

Constructive feedback welcome... just don't be a jerk because I'm good at being that too :-)