Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Butterfly Effect and I'm Sorry I Failed You



I am currently being consumed by a state of guilt and profundity. And, perhaps this is where God needs me to be. Perhaps this will finally be the catalyst to my surrendering and learning that the wages of sin, of disobedience are indeed death. I lost a dear friend recently, and I just… I can’t describe this feeling. Ya’ll will say you understand, but you don’t feel me though. You can’t. I appreciate the ones who try.
I believe we all experience a different reality. Due to the beautiful coalescence of nature and nurture, we all have a different perception, a different interpretation of the world around us. No one person views any experience exactly the same. One philosophy that greatly shapes my perception of reality, aside from the fact that I believe in God, is that I don't believe in coincidence, I think it's a word humans use to placate their minds; to assuage situations that they feel they might otherwise have no control over (they actually do have control- I’ll get into that later).  I believe that everything we do, every millisecond of our lives has meaning, a reason- the butterfly effect so to speak.

Without going into details on this post, my guilt in this situation comes from the fact that I neglected to do something that I truly felt led to do. I let me get the best of me. Yes, you read that right. I let My emotions; My fears stop me from doing something that should’ve been done, from saying something that should’ve been said.  Every choice we make is like a stone being thrown in a pond; the ripple radiates out and changes...everything.
Perhaps if I would’ve just been obedient to that voice inside of me, the Spirit, I could’ve changed something. Certainly, several confounding factors were at play, but right now… right now, I am learning a hard lesson…

I’ve come across people who say they don’t want to believe in God because they feel like it’s giving up their control in life- “We are the masters of our own destinies.” They feel like submitting to God, means giving up power, autonomy. However, I feel like, it’s all in how one perceives it. Through God, we're armed with one of the greatest powers of all- the power of choice. The seemingly most insignificant of choices, can have effects and reactions that span further than we’ll ever know. In God, you are still the master of your own destiny, He simply provides His children with guidelines (I like to call it the Bible) on which choices to make; which ones to avoid; and how to go about executing those choices.  It’s completely up to you if you follow them or not.

Anyway, this isn’t meant to be some evangelistic post or a judgmental one (well maybe a bit of self-judgment). Basically, I wrote this in remembrance of a dear friend, and to provoke thought in anyone that cares to think. The words “Say what you need to say” have never hit me so hard before. It may seem crass to advert to John Mayer at this point, but I know that some of you can’t feel me from the Biblical aspect. You honestly don’t know how long you’ll have to say those words, to get over YOU and just do it. Please don't forget that. 

R.I.P Billy… My “Diamond in the Rough,” “Diamond seen with perfect clarity.” I’m not sure on my beliefs as to the relationship between the dead and this world. Some say they can still hear/feel what you say because only their bodies are gone, not their spirits. Well, if that’s true, I hope those quotes made you smile a little.

3 comments:

  1. Having lost my younger sister recently, I can see and feel the raw pain in your post. I truly believe there is a relationship between the dead and the living, I continue to feel her presence surround me in my darkest hours.

    I hope that God can envelope your grief with love.

    Big hugs!

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  2. You are such a deep thinker. I've always appreciated the fact that you say the things that people sometimes don't realize that they think. When one internalizes your words, I think they have an "aha" moment. Please keep sayin the things that need to be said and next time your Spirit moves you to speak, do so. Consider that the Bible was written by men through Devine inspiration, what would we do today if those men/women had decided to stifle the Spirit in them? You have a voice, use it.

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  3. Reese Cup, I love u for writing this...
    -Myah

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