Life Sweet Entropy

The Butterfly Effect and I'm Sorry I Failed You

2011-10-20T22:20:00.002-04:00

I am currently being consumed by a state of guilt and profundity. And, perhaps this is where God needs me to be. Perhaps this will finally be the catalyst to my surrendering and learning that the wages of sin, of disobedience are indeed death. I lost a dear friend recently, and I just… I can’t describe this feeling. Ya’ll will say you understand, but you don’t feel me though. You can’t. I appreciate the ones who try.

I believe we all experience a different reality. Due to the beautiful coalescence of nature and nurture, we all have a different perception, a different interpretation of the world around us. No one person views any experience exactly the same. One philosophy that greatly shapes my perception of reality, aside from the fact that I believe in God, is that I don't believe in coincidence, I think it's a word humans use to placate their minds; to assuage situations that they feel they might otherwise have no control over (they actually do have control- I’ll get into that later). I believe that everything we do, every millisecond of our lives has meaning, a reason- the butterfly effect so to speak.

Without going into details on this post, my guilt in this situation comes from the fact that I neglected to do something that I truly felt led to do. I let me get the best of me. Yes, you read that right. I let My emotions; My fears stop me from doing something that should’ve been done, from saying something that should’ve been said. Every choice we make is like a stone being thrown in a pond; the ripple radiates out and changes...everything.

Perhaps if I would’ve just been obedient to that voice inside of me, the Spirit, I could’ve changed something. Certainly, several confounding factors were at play, but right now… right now, I am learning a hard lesson…

I’ve come across people who say they don’t want to believe in God because they feel like it’s giving up their control in life- “We are the masters of our own destinies.” They feel like submitting to God, means giving up power, autonomy. However, I feel like, it’s all in how one perceives it. Through God, we're armed with one of the greatest powers of all- the power of choice. The seemingly most insignificant of choices, can have effects and reactions that span further than we’ll ever know. In God, you are still the master of your own destiny, He simply provides His children with guidelines (I like to call it the Bible) on which choices to make; which ones to avoid; and how to go about executing those choices. It’s completely up to you if you follow them or not.

Anyway, this isn’t meant to be some evangelistic post or a judgmental one (well maybe a bit of self-judgment). Basically, I wrote this in remembrance of a dear friend, and to provoke thought in anyone that cares to think. The words “Say what you need to say” have never hit me so hard before. It may seem crass to advert to John Mayer at this point, but I know that some of you can’t feel me from the Biblical aspect. You honestly don’t know how long you’ll have to say those words, to get over YOU and just do it. Please don't forget that.

R.I.P Billy… My “Diamond in the Rough,” “Diamond seen with perfect clarity.” I’m not sure on my beliefs as to the relationship between the dead and this world. Some say they can still hear/feel what you say because only their bodies are gone, not their spirits. Well, if that’s true, I hope those quotes made you smile a little.

Why Am I a Terrible Almost Friend?

2011-08-25T03:57:00.001-04:00

Have you ever felt like you were pushing someone in your life away? I feel like I have this syndrome, wherein, I will get close to a person, genuinely like them, and then just... I don't know, fall flat. The fire just goes out. No, I'm not referring to romantic relationships. I used to be like that with men, but I'm currently in a romantic relationship that's been going strong for years now. Friends though? Ugh. That's how I know the few constant, long-term friends I have were made just for me... I actually work to keep them. It's not that I don't trust new people I meet (I don't -_-), it's just that I... well I give up. Call it a subconscious preservation mechanism or even conceit or selfishness, if you will. I'll take the bashing, because I do feel terrible for this character flaw of mine.

Without naming names (Though, this applies to so many people in my life, I doubt you'd figure it out), let me give you an example. There was a girl that I met out here and immediately hit it off with. I instantly liked her- we were similar, yet different where it counts (yes, I said what I meant). Long story short, I made a strong effort to, "seal the deal" for maybe 3 weeks. Then, I just stopped. No particular reason. The need for the friendship with her just faded. Perhaps she wasn't responsive enough to my efforts. Perhaps I felt she wasn't genuine, who knows? We're still cool, and, at times, I wish I'd done better. I'm just a terrible keeper-upper-wither <---- LOL, welcome to my dictionary.

Is it just me that's this terrible of a person? Please say no... haha

It's Not Promised.

2011-08-12T22:36:00.001-04:00

You know, it's truly astonishing for me to see how young people these days still feel that sense of invincibility, and treat life like it's nothing. That carefree attitude that nothing bad can happen... simply because they are young. A friend lost his sister to cancer today- his young sister. When I say young, I mean under age 30. I don't see how young people today could feel so distant from death and turmoil because the internet has become an intrinsic part of our daily lives.

As soon as I saw the FB update, I said to myself, "Oh No! Please don't let it be who I think it was!"... I searched.

My point in the above is simple- these days you don't have to read the "Obituaries" section of the newspaper to find out who died. Log on to your favorite social networking site, and it's right there, in your face. Not only the ease of access, but when the deceased person also has a profile/account on the site, you get to see just how many lives they touched. How different it is, to see photos of someone, laughing. smiling. living; than to simply read about who they left behind and who loved them. For goodness sakes, this girl JUST took a smiling picture of herself. That boy was JUST photographed at a party with his friends. They were all vibrant... until they weren't. Seeing these photos of someone with a vivid life, viewing the comments left about them, the memories... My gosh, how can you not appreciate your life more!? How can you not realize that the next day isn't promised?

So people, I say to you with a somber heart this morning, please stop taking life for granted. Who knows when you won't have the choice to do so anymore.. R.I.P. B.D. May God bless your family with a peace that surpasses any earthly understanding.

Ahhh The Answering Machine...

2011-08-11T02:54:00.000-04:00

Am I seriously the only one who misses answering machines? The girlish giddiness that came with waiting on that certain someone to leave a message, saving and replaying the message when it was someone you liked...

Now mind you, when answering machines were around, I certainly wasn't of age to be experiencing such things, but my siblings and friends were. I can remember the exuberant joy they expressed when the message came- a request for their time (ie. a date); and the tears when the message never came. Nowadays, I guess we just wait for... a text messgae/IM/e-mail? I feel like I missed out!

I, for one, never check the voicemail on my personal cellphone, and anyone that knows me well, knows not to even bother. Anyway, I don't have much to say on this topic. I have a boyfriend... would you guys judge me if I bought an answering machine and asked him to leave sweet everythings and anythings on it? :-)

Spiritual Accountability... The Lack Thereof

2011-08-10T02:45:00.002-04:00

As I was reaching out to a God I don't deserve, I thought of something a pastor once told me, that God can't hear you if you don't come to him with a clean heart... does He ever hear me then? This is what I'm afraid of. I try to remind myself that God is a merciful God, but geez, me? It's overwhelming to think that an entity so great could love the real me- someone who lies, lashes out and falls short... constantly. Doe He truly have enough grace to cover a sinner like me? Am I remorseful? Yes. Am I always full of repentance and asking for forgiveness? Of course, but I still commit the same sins, again and again. For instance, cursing. I seriously repent for this every day. When will He get tired of me not kicking this habit? I went 6+ months without cursing once, but my current situation, environment just...upsets the mess out of me. Even still, I need to learn how to choose happiness more often.

Anyway, I said all that to ask those of you, with like-minded faith and perhaps even similar problems, that you keep me in your prayers. Prayer is powerful. I know from firsthand experience, and I never let anyone tell me different. Where I currently reside, there is such a lack of spiritual support- no one to have accountability to, on a spiritual level. I need that- without judgment, but with much blunt honesty and love. Anyone need an e-accountability partner? (Lol), but seriously... I was so proud of my boyfriend the other day, when he "checked" me regarding something I'd said. Though he did not exercise this check in a loving nor nonjudgmental way (ha), he still did it. And, I suppose I can't be too picky right now. ^^

Sorry for the rambling, but I needed to get this out. After all, is that not what blogs are for? Perhaps I should find a way to get this thing separated into sections by topic? Have a good week people!

How Diverse and Open-minded Are We… Really?

2011-07-31T03:19:00.000-04:00

This question has had itself stuck in my mind ever since a friend of mine got to witness how life is for me, on a daily basis, in Korea. Although I actually do believe that this particular friend of mine is quite open-minded, it struck me as interesting that this was his first time witnessing this. My story in Korea is no unique one- pretty much every black person I know, who teaches in Korea, experiences this. Then it struck me that perhaps he’d never been out in Korea, around a black person for any significant amount of time (10 minutes lol). It got me wondering: how many people, myself included, have this odd belief of what a diversified friend base is? You know, having friends of various demographics and beliefs. Sure, it’s nice to have like-minded, people around, but do any of us truly have friends that are that different from ourselves?

Of course, the only person I can fully analyze is me, so I decided to start my evaluation by looking at my call log. My boyfriend is whom I speak with the most- I hate talking on the phone- and after him, a lovely Korean-Canadian girl that I met out here. She shall remain nameless. ^^ I thought to myself, okay; there is someone distinctly different from myself, whom I consider to be a very close friend. Next, I looked at all my instant messaging programs; I have about 4 of them. There is where I really saw just how varied my friend base is: Korean-natives, a few white people, black people, Korean-Americans, Europeans, Island people. Although I don’t consider my Facebook pictures to be credible representations of my daily life as far as “friends” go, my messenger “statistics,” and quite a few of my pictures were actually contiguous. I don’t count people I hold laconic conversations with upon passing and never speak to again. I feel pretty good about this. It’s very important to me to be surrounded by a plethora of views and personalities. According to Chris Frith's book (Great Book or Here), because of how our brains work, no two people EVER interpret an experience in EXACTLY the same way. I’m the type of person who prefers to have various perspectives at their disposal.

Can any of you say the same? Some articles purport that we choose friends who are an extension of ourselves. Others say that we choose friends who complete us. According to an article in PNAS (PNAS), and several others, friends are chosen based on similarities to us. However, this same article also poses a new ideal- that genotype actually plays a role in the friends we choose. How interesting! Could our genetic makeup seriously predispose us to be friends (or not be friends) with certain people? I’m a neuroscience nerd, so I’ll spare you all that data haha. An even more interesting morsel for thought was an article which posited “an alliance hypothesis for friendship.” It suggests that we choose friends based on who will side with us. You can read the basics of this article here Genetic Friends, but I’d recommend further research as this particular article on the topic is a bit short.

Anyway, I’m getting too excited over the science stuff, back to my original question: Are you truly as open-minded/diverse as you claim to be… if say, you are a white person and ALL of your true friends you hang out with are also white? …if you are a black person who has not one single Korean friend…in Korea? Let’s take race out of the equation. If you’re beautiful, do you have any friends who you consider unattractive, that you actively hang out with? If you’re thin/fit, do you have any fat friends (yea, I said it)?

A proverb from an Aesop Fable said that a man is known by the company he keeps. If one were to view your company, would you prove to be multi-faceted?

I highly recommend checking out Chris Frith's book, if your interested in neuroscience, without toooo much technical speak. Another great book on friendship is this one: The Meaning of Friendship

Photo from what I'm sure is a hilariously racist website (lol): http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com/

Distorted Worth - A Rough Draft

2011-06-20T00:02:00.001-04:00

I'd love to say that you never hurt me, but that would bring me down to your level of deception. I never wanna stoop that low... But Ooo is that an erection?

You, see what I mean? Everything about you is built to lure me into a chasm of splendid f*ckery

Where I fall onto you, allowing you to fall into me, imparting inorganic emotions, left on the tip of your dick from the sticky drip of that last pathetic woman you were f*ckin'

See just thinkin' about that gets me angrily moist. Angry knowing you touched her, wet knowing I have to be better 'cuz you always come back to me...right?

I'm that ketchup stain on your favorite graphic tee. You try to rub me out, and yea I may fade from your memory sometimes, butt you still wear me with pride, knowing that no matter how noticeable I am, I'll always be your best look.

You've enchanted my sanity and I'm not sure of what its transformed to, but baby I know If you give us more time, I can transform you. I'm one of those poetic women. I look past what you are, into what you could be.
Your potential is what pulls me.
Damnit why don't you appreciate that you don't have to be that good to me? I'll take you with my dreamer's eyes and keep gazing into the future, while you presently diss me.

All those other girls, they need a MAN to Respect them. Me? I just need you and all your various imperfections. Disturbia at best is the only to describe this connection.
The future progressive tense is the only chance I have making sense of "us":
He will be loving me...

Written for a friend who simply under-evaluates her worth, time and time again...

Sorry It's Been So Long

2011-05-23T05:45:00.000-04:00

Hello Loovvaahhsss :-) So sorry that I haven't written in a while. I actually have a bunch to upload on my computer. Typical of my health in Seoul, I am actually sick again :-( I figure I can use this down time (wait, is it really downtime if I'm writing this from work?) to update you all with that's been going on. This will just be a short post, regarding my hair. I am pretty happy with the growth and length retention. No lie, it's HARD work, but every time I wash, and see the difference, it's worth it. These most recent pictures are from a co-wash I did on 5-22-2011. I still need to find a way to combat my shedding, but for the most part, all is well. Natural hair rocks!

Although, I still can't figure out how I got all these crazy colors in my head (lol). I've never dyed my hair, not once. Enjoy the album: Natural Hair Update

Threesomes - Is Three Really Still Considered a Crowd?

2011-02-15T04:20:00.003-05:00

Now that I got that rant out of the way, I have a question: Are threesomes still taboo?

Ha, I kind of just dove right in there didn’t I? Before I go any further, I should mention, that I frequently color out of socially-placed lines and boundaries. My coloring book would like the blissful fodder of a three year old to someone who isn’t a social deviant like yours truly.

Anyway, I would really like to know the answer. This question was initially provoked from a conversation I had with a few friends online. Everyone was trying to give one e-friend advice on how to steam it up with her bf after having not seen him in a long time. The topic of a 3some came up in that discussion somehow, and I noticed that the perspectives on it were truly torn. I’d like to clarify that we were discussing the most common type of threesome- 2 girls/1 guy. I gathered the following:

One girl thought they were OK…if none of the involved parties were in a serious relationship. She expressed insecurity regarding the other woman wanting more of “her” man without her permission.
Another expressed that she would never do that: “Another girl can’t do anything for me.”
The younger of the bunch said that threesomes were no big deal, with a shrug.
Another simply felt that threesomes were too taboo for her, and that her boyfriend should be satisfied with just her.

The last comment is the one that struck me the most I suppose. In an age where people “cyber sex” with each other via Skype, and text message naked photos, I find it hard to believe that anything sexually-related is “taboo” anymore. When I was in college, it seemed like everyone and their mother was jumping into one of these. Though I never “took the bait,” I, myself, was extended the offer from couples on several occasions. However, the offers were not turned down because I thought them strange or taboo, I simply wasn’t into them (for spiritual and other reasons). I also found the latter part of her perspective on them intriguing.

My first thought (being the undercover feminist that I sometimes can be), was “why does it have to be the boyfriend that wants the threesome?” I personally know quite a few women who brought this idea up to their boyfriends first. According to most psychological sources I’ve seen, they say “threesomes are every MAN’S fantasy.” I happen to think that men only openly admit to wanting threesomes more, because it is more socially acceptable for him to do so. It goes back to that classic double standard and assumption. It’s assumed that men are intrinsically programmed to want to spread their seed with as many women as possible. They are praised for this. They get “G-points” for this. Women though? Women who admit to wanting sex with more than one man or, **GASP** a woman AND a man, are whores, much worse Slores. They are tramps in the eyes of society, unfit for marriage and houses with white picket fences and the like. Women, in my opinion, are constantly having to stifle their sexual wants and needs to please society (not just men, because many women impose social chains on themselves and other women. I think men would be happier if women were more open….much happier lol). I say, Rage Against the Machine, women! You want what you want, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Be prepared to accept the consequences of this particular arena though (i.e. Jealousy).

My next thought was, “Does having the sexual fantasy of a threesome, automatically imply that you are dissatisfied sexually with your partner??” I truly don’t think so. I always thought the point of a sexual fantasy was to fulfill some outlandish, lustful desire. It could have existed long before the person partnered with their significant other. Her comment implies that your significant other should completely fulfill and or remove your pre-existing sexual fantasies. Personally, I think the only problem with a fantasy comes in when 2 people don’t share the same fantasy and aren’t willing to compromise. I don’t think that wanting a threesome screams to your partner that you aren’t satisfied with them.

For the people who agree with and or engage/have engaged in threesomes, did you feel that is spiced up your relationship? Or did it harm the relationship? If so, how? How did you bring the topic up to your partner? What happens if the third party is better in bed than your significant other? Again, please remember that this post is mainly referring to the most commonly reported type of ménage a trois- 2 girls/1 guy.

For those who disagree with them and would never engage in one, what are your reasons? If you look at it from a spiritual perspective, do you feel that bringing another person into your marriage, ruins the sanctity of it? Do the thoughts of the possible uncleanliness of the third party make your skin crawl? (lol)

Here are some various perspectives on threesomes. I did not read them all: http://www.helium.com/knowledge/91471-do-threesomes-spoil-a-relationship-or-spice-it-up

Update Before the Update- Short Rant

2011-02-15T02:26:00.001-05:00

I have a new post coming directly after this one, but first let me go on a short rant:

Please stop sending me messages about my statuses/posts offending you, unless I have truly said something crazy (which is quite possible because it is ME we are talking about). Although some claims have been legitimate, others have been plain childish- simple misunderstandings of my brand of humor (straight no chaser lol). If you don't like what I say, delete me. It is that simple. However, for you to have the audacity to try to tell me how I should deal with my experiences, how I should react to them, and what I should say about them on a public forum, on an account registered to ME, is simply absurd. My statuses and my blog are my outlet for MY interpretation of MY experiences. Instead of getting offended, why don't you try to logically and maturely enlighten me on how I may be misinterpreting something? And this is not just about the things I write about Korea. I have people write me often, regarding things I say on women, men and relationships.

As far as my feelings on Korea go, I feel that communication lines between foreigner and Korean have become grossly twisted. I am open to having a large group discussion where people can discuss their likes/dislikes, qualms and misunderstandings. Would anyone else be up for this?

Shoot me an e-mail/msg/comment/whatever.

Self-inflicted Prison... Wrote This One a Few Weeks Ago...

2011-01-22T00:39:00.000-05:00

My body is a cage
Constrained by limits of my own placing
If you could only feel with my same nerves the anticipation that comes with bracing
For the next restriction I'll thrash my spirit with
Savage I am, but aren't we all to ourselves?

I once thought love was the key to all happiness
Forgetting that if self love comes last, love is nothing but another subject to be concealed within Pandora's box.

I cry ya'll. Every night.

Despite the depths within the labyrinth of my mind, my many thoughts all come back to one.
With the grief of Athena, I focus all emotion there.
Wondering what would be if I never made that one slip
That distraction that turned my one attempt into addiction.

My only hope is self-freedom, but I can't get past the self-redemption... These bars... How do I bend them?

Constructive feedback welcome... just don't be a jerk because I'm good at being that too :-)

AHHHHH! The SHRINKAGE!!

2010-12-22T11:12:00.000-05:00

I know I'm supposed to be giving you all a real post at this point, but I just had to rant on my hair shrinkage! As many of you know, I cut my hair last year, and again this year. Well, due to protective styling and less idiotic handling by people (mainly myself), it's growing back just fine... However, the shrinkage KIILLLSSS me. Not softly either! Check it out. I was washing my hair when I took these. I had just taken down 2 of my lil' twists in the first pic.

*Sigh* I will be so glad when my curly hair gets this length, or at least close to it. I hate straightening.

So... I Wish I Knew My Hair Type

2010-12-02T10:17:00.002-05:00

I am on a healthy, natural hair care journey (attempting to be on one anyway), and I can't figure out my hair type. I know I know you need a full head pic to give me my hair type. However, this is a small section of my hair in a ponytail, do these curls look 3C to you? My shrinkage is something serious. Ugh.

Anyway, I'd like to develop a solid growth regimen but the wealth of information available is MORE than overwhelming. I sort of have one, but not really. *SIGH* Someone mail me a hooded dryer!

I feel like I'm a majority 4a/b, mixed with a small amount of 3c. I'm not sure. The tighter curl pattern is my current one I suppose. The other 2 were taken earlier this year, when there was still some BKT in my hair.

I'm Not Gone...Just Working

2010-11-15T22:16:00.001-05:00

I have a new post coming soon mi lovelies :-)

Curse You Facebook! Can FB Ruin Relationships?

2010-07-15T00:07:00.008-04:00

OK, I'm sure everyone's seen that YouTube video of the couple breaking up over the guy's Facebook activity (Here It Is), and if you're anything like me, you laughed your butt off... but unless you're as much of an overthinker as I am, I'm not sure if you stopped and thought: Damn, FB really does have a way of getting people caught up! Not to say these said people aren't to blame, but honestly, without FB, how would they have been caught?

For instance, take a friend of mine, who we'll call Charlie*, that lost the only woman he loved due to an FB mishap. Apparently they had been on the rocks for a bit, and a picture she saw of him with another girl on FB was all it took for her to completely delete him from her life...Literally. Although his relationship with the woman in the picture was innocently platonic, the picture was dated to a time when he was allegedly just "hanging with the guys." The girl in the picture was the sister to one of these guys. He never got the chance to explain that to his lady. You're thinking now, 'Oh Shar you can't make conclusions about our beloved FB off this one extreme instance.' Okay, I won't make them off of this ONE instance- let me share another with you.

I have another friend, lets call him Damien*. He was living the single life abroad- enjoying life in that way that many young men choose to do (tee hee), getting the 2 W's- Wasted and Women. Now we've probably all experienced having a little fun the night before and waking up to pictures we don't remember taking. I don't even mean naughty ones, just those pictures that you don't remember your friends snapping. Well, our young Damien was a charmer. He didn't just date these girls, he partied and chilled with them as well. This would be fine, EXCEPT that at these various chilling/partying events, pictures were snapped... many of them. Again, nothing would be wrong with this if said pictures didn't end up on FB. Damien thinks all is well until he starts to get those calls/texts, you know the ones: "Hey, I didn't know you knew Sara*.." "Hey, you said you were busy last night, then I see you tagged to pictures with other chicks." Damien's single and fabulous life was muddled just as it was beginning. At this point you're saying, 'That's his fault.' How? He's a single, serial dater. Now you're saying 'He should've just told those women to shut up then, they had no right to be mad.' That's all fine and well, but we all know how people are. Exclusive or not, people don't like to see the person they're dating in pictures with other people that same person is dating. It's life- emotions are illogical.

In the last example I'll provide for sake of not writing a novel on here (I have TONS), I'll tell you the story of Chris* and Meg*. Happy couple, for the most part, typical. Both had Facebook accounts; both used to spend time at each other's residence; both had pasts that wanted to stay in their presents. Well, one day, Chris happens to check Meg's FB page, and sees a wall post from her ex-boyfriend, a link in fact that he'd also commented on- Tupac ft. Jon B- Are You Still Down. The comment: After seeing you, I thought of this song... Now by seeing- he meant that Meg had recently accepted him as a friend, and he saw her profile picture. Needless to say, Chris was pissed. He didn't want Meg talking to her ex, much less seeing him! So, in immature retaliation, Chris commented on his ex-gf's status- he knew Meg would see this. Meg had indeed seen his activity by the time she got to his house last night, so guess what she did when Chris took a shower and left his laptop open? She looked at his FB page... unfortunately, Chris had left his chat turned on, and guess who chatted him? Yep, the ex. In short, they broke up over a bigger issue later, but the entire mistrust of each other began over an FB wall post. They both sound ridiculous, but again emotions are irrational, and I know of some of irrational shenanigans that some of YOU reading this post so pls stop the judging. Oh, did I mention that they both knew it was over, when they changed their FB statuses from "In a relationship" to "It's complicated." I mean sheesh the only place to go from there is "Single" right? (Lol).

In fact, Facebook ruining romantic type of relationships has been recently documented in psychological studies. Breaking up over facebook is not uncommon, in one study they found the following results (Study 1):

Nearly 25% of respondents have found out their relationship was over by seeing it on FB first
Nearly 21% of respondents said they would break up with someone through FB by changing their status to 'single.'
Nearly 40% of respondents have updates their status on FB so the person they're dating sees they have plans.
Nearly 35% of respondents have used their FB status to make someone think they have plans, even if they don't

In another study, researchers found that Facebook enhances and reinforces jealous behavior for people who are already prone to jealousy. Honestly, I can see why. The study also found that 74.6% of all participants were, at the very least, somewhat likely to add previous romantic or sexual partners as friends on FB and 78.9% reported that their partner has added previous romantic/sexual partners as friends (Study 2). Author A. Joinson found that one of the most commonly reported uses of FB was "Social Investigation" (FB Uses). My question is, would these "jealous" people even have a chance to get jealous if they weren't privy to such "questionable" information about their partners on a daily basis? By questionable info, I mean conversations, connections (friends) and status updates. Also, are they really just neurotic, jealous freaks, if they "investigate," and find that their suspicions are confirmed?

Here are a few links to other, non-scholarly articles on the topic: 5 Ways FB Ruins Relationships, facebook-relationship-jealous, FB Ruins Relationships, FB Can Ruin Your Life, 13 Ways FB Ruins Relationships

I wanted to pass that video, these articles and the various accompanying statistics off as funny. I truly did, but I myself have experienced utter f*ckery regarding FaceBook- some of it serious, some not so much. On the minor side, I find it interesting that I've been dealing with my man, the SAME man, for over a year now and yet EVERYTIME I alter my relationship status on FaceBook I get all types of messages, comments and "likes." I suppose the saying is true "It ain't official until it's on FaceBook." On the major side, I've had girls who I've blocked make fake accounts just to see the pictures I had up of me with my man! If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know EXACTLY who I'm talking about. I had a chick accuse me of wanting her man because I wrote "Happy Bday Hun" on his wall *SIGH* I've also had girls contact me over FB JUST to tell me my current man used to deal with them... *YAWN*. I mean, I can't say I completely trust FB's role in my own relationship- it's easy to stay in contact with those who should've been let go a long time ago (more importantly, it's easy for them to contact him or me); it's much easier for groupies to try to get their little 5 minutes of shine; and it's also very easy to be secretive. However, one major self-calming factor for me is that we trust each other, and although we're both capable of making mistakes (or would it be e-mistakes? LOL) we don't let that possibility control us.

So, aside from the other questions I listed above, I'd like to know your opinion- has FB ruined something for you? Have you found incriminating information on your bf/gf or someone you were dating that caused you to act differently or caused you to get into an argument with them?
Oh I also thought this was funny... There's an FB group... about how FB ruins relationships. HA! --> http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2207783823

!Update! New article on FB's potential to ruin your life (lol): http://www.newsweek.com/blogs/the-human-condition/2010/07/20/10-ways-facebook-can-ruin-your-life.html

*photo courtesy of http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/facebook-enemies-657.jpg*

Do You Like The Way...

2010-03-23T01:29:00.000-04:00

Lauryn Hill, love, your music tames my soul. Selah was always on repeat, but a friend of mine re-introduced me to her song with Carlos Santana and Cee-lo - Do You Like The Way...

Man, the beat, the vocals- I can't get enough. I'm Enchanted. Enthralled. Engrossed.

Lauryn Hill & Santana Live Performance

I provided a link to a live performance of the song. Listen and see things differently. Selah :-)

Quick Hair Update

2010-03-10T22:51:00.005-05:00

Okay, so I've totally become an organic ingredients junkie. I always loved organic food, but now I'm applying it to my hair, and I LOVE the results. Here are my top two recipes thus far.

Modified Edge Growth (but can be used for growth overall- thanks Laney for the base):

2 oz Castor oil
~5% sulfur (sublimed. for me this was about a teaspoon + 1 pinch)
Pure, organic coconut oil (about .5oz)
Few drops Tea Tree Oil (essential oil)
few drops Jojoba Oil (just to thin it out along with the CB oil)
A little Extra Virgin Olive Oil (EVOO)

I only apply this one to my scalp because I don't like my hair TOO oily. Also, it can build-up so unless you shampoo at least once a week (preferably along with a co-wash) I wouldn't recommend using it. Also SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE before you use it. Sulfur settles.

Deep Conditioner (Protein and Moisture)

1 egg
1 spoonful mayonnaise
3 spoonfuls of Honey
a little Pure Coconut Oil
a little EVOO
a little Castor Oil

I also added a little of the product Mega-Tek (a conditioner made for horse grooming- look it up, good ish).

I don't have a hooded dryer at home, so I placed a processing cap over my head for 35min, and then I placed a warm towel over the cap for like 20min (give or take a few minutes). I followed up with a moisturizing conditioner (no protein) My hair turned out wonderful (I'm natural)! Even my stylist noticed a difference, and I go to him weekly. Try it out ladies. :)

Anyway, just trying to share what's working for me thus far... all hair is different.

There's Beauty in the Breakdown.... And in Letting Go

2010-03-02T21:32:00.004-05:00

If you've read my blog for a long time, then you're very familiar with the title of this post. I just wanted to let you all know that I finally have let go. And all of those tiny pieces that were once jagged, painful shards have become beautifully sewn back together. If you've been reading for a while then you also know that in 2008 I went through a trial that just completely made a muck of my mental... I mean it really was just f*ckery plain and simple. My heart was so broken, that I wasn't sure I ever wanted to feel anything again. One line that someone said, stayed in my head: "Be grateful when you feel great sadness. How can you know great joy if you don't understand pain?" I love her for that. I put my problem into perspective, and I began to rebuild myself. This will/might sound cheesy, but I sincerely couldn't have done it without my relationship with God. He's awesome and when no one else could understand he could... My 2 besties didn't hurt either (you ladies know who you are <3).

I'm proud of myself to say that every shred of memorabilia that I had of "The Other" aka. *.*.* is gone. I hold no malice. I wish her bluebirds in the spring...and all that other soft stuff (~~As long as she stays away from my~~… LoL, just kidding… maybe). :) Seriously though, I realized that despite the love that grew from that situation, I couldn't truly feel like the burden was lifted until I forgave her, him, and just let it go- I had to finally say Selah. I would think that I had previously, and things would happen, and I'd just know that I wasn't over it. At this point in time, I truly feel blessed to say my heart is filled with joy, love, but most of all peace. I am productive. I am confident. but most of all, I am Happy. (Selah reached)

I guess this post is just a testament to that corny little anecdote that everyone hates to hear- Time heals all (time and love in this case). Also, some advice: sometimes the most beautiful, beneficial thing you can do is kiss that broken bridge and softly blow it away. If the connection is meant to remain the pieces will somehow come back together. Smile b*tches. :-D (you know after all that soft stuff, I had to throw that last line in. haha).

photo courtesy of Meowbie on images.tribe.net

Men, Do You Really Find Bisexual Women More Attractive?

2010-01-26T23:21:00.010-05:00

Lately, I’ve noticed a surge in the amount of women who identify themselves as bisexual… Oops, scratch that, actually I’ve noticed a lot of women who engage in sexual activity with women yet don’t think of themselves as bisexual – why is that, what is “bisexual” these days? (LoL, Don’t answer that, that’s entirely different post).

Anyway, I’ve specifically noticed this trend in women of color. With the fast success of rappers like Nicki Minaj, and Trey Songz asking for which 2 ladies wanna come home with him, it’s become “Sexy” for women to be openly attracted to other women. Please don’t take this tone as judgmental. I’m just wondering why it’s now so acceptable in the minority community for women to be attracted to other women. Actually, I lied… My real focus for this paragraph is on the men. Men, do you really find it sexy? I used to think that many only liked to play with women who chose to have this type of fun, but I’ve been seeing quite a few of them get locked down by some pretty nice men (snicker.snicker). My next question is Men, would you “wife” a woman who perhaps, doesn’t date women, but just engages in occasional sexual escapades with them? Would you take her seriously, or just look at her as a fun toy for the moment? (Theme song for this paragraph: Young Dro- My Girl Gotta Girlfriend).

This section is for my ladies. Ladies, I know you can’t honestly be dumb enough to allow your sexuality to be influenced by the latest rapper that’s getting way too much play time on the radio (I’m not hating, I *heart* Ms. Minaj...and I'm educated.. So Sue me b*tchs lol) However, if rappers like Lil Wayne and T.I. didn't glorify girl-on-girl play, would you still find it so interesting? Is it a ploy to get more men on the team, or do you really like to indulge in the occasional kitty session (sorry, I’m blunt. If you don’t like it… *Kanye shrug*)? I don’t want this to come off as racially offensive, (ha, there’s enough white in my family to fill every Republican vote in the House- LoL another bad joke, especially since I, myself, hold MANY Republican views, sorry I can be a real b*tch) but I’ve heard many black women say that such behavior was characteristic of the TWG aka Typical.White.Girl. Comments like “you know white girls get drunk and kiss each other,” used to be common (songs like Katy Perry’s I Kissed a Girl were often used as hardcore evidence). Who would have thought that all the little chicks making such comments were running home and heading into 69’s while their boyfriend’s watched? Tsk. Tsk. *Note* here, I’m not judging what you do with your man, I’m a HUGE advocate of #freakbehavior with your lover (haha); the judgment is for all the women who made the aforementioned comments when they were secretly in deep thought about the last taste of cherry chapstick they’d had…

Just in case you guys thought I was kidding, here are some articles that have noticed this little trend I’ve chosen to blog about. I’d like everyone to share their thoughts in a mature manner. I refuse to judge anyone’s lifestyle, and if you do disagree with it, you better damn well find a respectful way to say it in your comment. But I must say… if this topic offends you, you prrrooobbaaabblllyyy shouldn’t keep reading my blog- eggshells just aren’t my thing. *Besos*

http://academic.udayton.edu/race/05intersection/sexual01.htm

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9358339

Girls.Just.Wanna.Have.Fun :-)

Sex My Mind- Is That Too Much to Ask?

2009-12-11T15:23:00.006-05:00

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell someone that you need them to go deeper. No, not in that sense get your mind out of the gutter. I mean deeper emotionally, spiritually, mentally. A favorite song of mine is by the artist Yuna- Deeper Conversation. The song is all about, that’s right you guessed it, deeper conversations. When you have a relationship where love is involved, how long can the relationship be sustained without conversation that plows through the surface and gets to the core? Personally, I like to be mind f*cked. If a man can’t slide my mental panties down, he has no hope of touching my tangible ones. I feel like many women have problems with men, because they don’t press them for deep conversation. Will they eventually get it? Sure, but it’s only after they’ve shared such an intimate piece of themselves with him. Then, they find out, the man is never someone they would have wanted to invite into their bed. Are females that demand a man to go deeper becoming a rare breed? I’d mainly like male opinions because most women will deny that a man can have superficial verbal intercourse with them and still get the cookie (ha). Men, how much convo do you usually give a young “lady” before you get any play? Does it depend on the girl? Also men, do you enjoy a girl who can blow your mind (yea, I know you liked that play on words ha!)? Let me know!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41JBNf9dyB4 <---Here is the song by Yuna. Enjoy.

Toxic Love: Where Do You Draw The Line?

2009-11-08T04:35:00.010-05:00

"The more in love we became, the more dangerous we became for each other. Equally as dangerous...because, it was a bit of an obsession." ~Rihanna on Chris Brown

I'm not sure why, but this quote struck a cord with me. I was perplexed as I thought about why it was bothering me so much, and then it came to me. Before I begin, I'd like to preface this post by saying that I do not have some tumultuous, obsessive, love life. I have a healthy relationship, so don't run wild this. I was not thinking from the "Fatal Attraction" angle either. I'm speaking of 2 people, mutually and passionately in love.

A little background information: I never had a boyfriend in high school and for the majority of my college years, I focused on books and never took a man seriously. I've recently found to be what I feel will be my first and last Love. I know it may be odd for a woman my age to just be experiencing her first love, but it is what it is. I love the feeling it brings when I think that not only am I in love, but that I am sharing this love. Although, like anything, it has its trials and problems, it's a mutual bliss- progressing and secure. However, there's a darker side to my emotions, and I feel I need to get a grasp on managing them early, as this is all new territory for me. This love is also an addiction. At times, and I'm ashamed to admit this, it's jealous, and more often than not, illogical.

From the above, you might be thinking that I already need assistance but pump ya breaks. Is this not how love is experienced for any other people? A whirlwind of emotions that surrounds my very soul, the eye of this delicious storm being my heart. A storm doesn't always have to be destructive and turbulent. It's simply all of my emotions coming at me in a rush. My question, however, is this? Where is the line drawn with "love?" When do two people realize that their love has become dangerous for each other.

Some might say when it reaches the point of possessiveness:

pos∙ses∙sive

-adjective

Jealousy opposed to the personal independence of, or to any influence other than one’s own upon, a child, spouse, etc.
Desirous of possessing, esp. excessively so: a possessive lover.
Of or pertaining to possession or ownership

Now some might say that this is a bad quality to allow to exist in a relationship (esp. after reading definition # 1 lol), but I disagree (yea yea sue me) to a certain degree.. In my opinion, it's only natural to wonder about the whereabouts of someone you love. You worry that they might betray you, despite the trust you have in them. You feel like you've found something golden and unique, and you don't want to share that with anyone else. Obviously, this "quality" can go too far. However, I would argue to say that it only becomes a problem when 2 parties demonstrate unequal levels of it. If both parties are equally possessive, perhaps there will be less friction over rules imposed or controlling behavior? I don't know, let me know what you think. I definitely don't want to own anyone, but I am territorial. It's a basic survival instinct... right? I personally think the line comes in when people are trying to control every aspect of each other's lives. I used to see those horror stories on Oprah or Psych shows where women had husbands who told them what to wear, when to wear it, and how to wear it. The men didn't let them have any friends, didn't let them out of the house, and made them check in with them every hour of the day. Clearly, this is going overboard, but also represents what I mentioned before- an unequal balance of "power" - the women had no control in these situations.

My questions, in summary, are: Is there a such thing as "Healthy" Possessiveness. Can you be "possessive" and still be secure? Where is the line drawn (and please don't mention violence, that's a given.)?

Why "Correction" You Say?

2009-11-04T03:26:00.002-05:00

I feel like God has blessed me tremendously within this past yr. I have the love of my life (and he has me lol). I travel at my leisure. My Medical School Future looks quite bright (I'd make a Melanie.from.The.Game. reference, but that would be so cliche). :) My hair is wonderfully healthy and growing (I'll post a pic, it's already grown out of my cut and to my shoulders). However, I feel like I'm not giving enough to Him with the way I live my life. I harbor unforgiveness toward some people. I hold disdain for a few people, and I just don't praise and thank Him enough. I need to get my priorities back in order. I think one issue is that my spiritual accountability partner and I haven't been communicating enough because we have both been traveling. Anyone want to fill the position? haha, no seriously, I really need accountability in my life. Also, any ideas on how to get my priorities back in order? Obviously, I'm making efforts on my own, but I could use your suggestions.

It's Been A While

2009-10-25T22:57:00.004-04:00

Hello Lovvvahhss, I'm so sorry for the delay in posts. It's been a long month for me. Lots of school work, business with the non-profit, and life in general. I don't have much to say right now (it's coming soon, don't worry). I actually have a request. Pray for me. I need correction. Thank you.

Letting Go- That's Right- The Ex....

2009-09-16T12:53:00.009-04:00

It starts with "like" (anyone that knows me, knows that I consider "love at first sight to be utter f*ckery"). An ongoing exchange of phone calls. Get-togethers become frequent.. Blah Blah Blah- you know how it goes. You end up together, with a wealth of feelings for each other that can barely be managed. It's a rush. It's fresh. Pure Pulchritude. Then, time passes and those fresh apples become molded pork (lol quite a jump huh?). The fire dies. The passion is over. Nothing lasts forever they say...

One major issue, however, is that sometimes the passion.fire.lust is only lost for one party. One study that produced interesting findings showed that 51% of women say they initiated their break-ups; but only 32% of men claim they were dumped (http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m4021/is_1_25/ai_96734611/). In more rare cases, feelings aren't lost by either party- they simply don't work together. These situations raise a myriad of questions, and I'd just like to hear some opinions.

The Ex, The Breakup. My main question here is: How long does it take to get over a break up? According to Charlotte of Sex and the City, "It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them." So, if you date someone for a year, you need 6 full months to get over them. Then there's the other frequent saying, "the best way to get over one man is to get under another." The statistic above shows a real disconnect between people- not just men and women- when it comes to splitting up. It could possibly explain the drama and confusion that can come with ending a relationship. If a man cuts his significant other off completely, how long should it be before that person ceases communicating with that man all together? Me personally, I have a bit of a pride issue. Love is new territory for me, but if you block my number, refuse to see me, don't answer my twacespace msgs (LOL), I'm done with you. You won't have to tell me twice. I will be in pain but still manage to forget I ever felt anything for you. However, not everyone is this strong (oops I mean stubborn lol). Depending on how deep and intense the connection was, a person can harbor feelings of love forever it seems. What I'm asking is, when is it time for someone to shake the sh*t out of this love-sick creature and say- 'It's been long enough, get over it!' ?

That New-New. Not knowing when to let go can raise a multitude of issues. I think we've all heard stories of women (oo Bag Lady you better listen to Erykah Badu) who carry so much baggage into their relationship that the new man is overwhelmed. Men have the same problem. He still has love for the ex girl, and he constantly compares the new interest to her: "Hey baby, I'd love it if you wore your hair like this..." Sure that seems innocent enough, right? Until you find out that it was Ms. Ex's signature style (ha!). Both men and women seem to think they can keep an ex in their life in certain capacities without old feelings resurfacing. Here's my little tid-bit of logic- if it's been years, and you STILL question yourself and/or your feelings regarding this person, you're probably not a suitable candidate for a new relationship. So to all the newbies out there, how do you handle this? My opinion as of right now is this- a platonic Ex, fine- check on her. laugh with her. hell, go a little wild & play a game of Yahtzee together (lol). HOWEVER and this is a huge one- if there are any feelings there, I expect her to be cut off- totally, until further notice. This goes for men and women. I notice an excuse I hear from both sexes is that their Ex is now in a relationship, so it's okay for them and the Ex to communicate. Why even put yourself in a place to question your relationship with the new because you're dwelling on the old- it didn't work out for a reason. I made this mistake before, and I hurt someone who really didn't deserve it. I tried to use him as a stand in. I told myself and him I was over it- it was a year ago why wouldn't I be? Well, I wasn't. Even though I never spoke to him, never even a hello, I thought about him all the time. To this day, he breezes through my mind occasionally. The difference now is that, I have absolutely nothing but friendly emotions toward him- I no longer wonder about what could have been because what is, what I have is wonderful...without him. :)

Cutting someone off with a sharp, clean snip may sound harsh, but should your new interest really have to deal with that (and most likely, the subsequent trust issues)? Sort out your feelings for the old person and then enter someoneelse's life in a romantic sense. Do you agree? If not, Please let me hear your opinions on it.

In the case that you don't have a new special someone in your life, I am a person that doesn't believe in burning bridges, even those that you no longer cross. Ex's, unless something malicious occurred, can definitely still be friends. In fact, it may help you to get over the person if you talk through your issues and come to a full agreement that breaking up would be the best for both of you.

As I said, I am really looking for people's opinions on this. It seems to be a common problem, and your words might help someone...

A site of interest: http://www.askmen.com/dating/keywords/breaking-up.html

Uuuggghhh!! UC Screws Me Yet Again...

2009-09-13T14:04:00.006-04:00

Student Financial Aid (sfao) to me show details 12:46 PM (1 hour ago)

Dear S, The federal loans may only be divided up evenly between 3 quarters. We cannot allow you to take more than the 1/3 that you are already receiving.

Student Financial Aid Office
513-556-9171 (Fax)
http://www.financialaid.uc.edu/financeaid@uc.edu
One Stop Student Service Center

The above email is the response I received from the University of Cincinnati regarding having more than the allotted 1/3 of my financial for Autumn quarter- my final quarter of school. I'm a graduating senior, and 1/3 of my $7,100 is only $2364. A full quarter at school is over $3,000. That doesn't even include books. Thanks a lot Ohio, that's about another $1,500 I will need. What I don't understand is this- a Stafford loan is unsubsidized and just that, a LOAN. Why do they care how much money I get per quarter when I have to pay it back with interest anyway?! ::Sigh:: such Bullsh*t.

Impregnate Yourself...Or Turn It Off : Trey Songz - Ready

2009-09-13T01:53:00.006-04:00

The new album, Ready, by Trey Songz dropped on September 1, 2009. I must say, I have NEVER been a big Trey Songz fan, but this album completely turned me out (lol). With sensual sounds reminiscent of the (once) great R. Kelly, this young artist has mastered "Baby Makin" music like a pro... at least my kind of baby makin' music. With the situation me and mines are in, I had to stop myself from listening to it on more than one occasion (to avoid self-impregnating lol). Even his intro- Panty Droppin'... Mm Mm Mm, had a sweet girl like me thinking all kinds of terrible thoughts! Give it a listen. My favorite tracks, thus far, are 2. Neighbors Know My Name 3. Invented Sex 6. Does He Do It, 9. Ready to Make Luv, and 10. Jupiter Love. I actually liked some others, but can't go giving him a big head :-) Now one track I absolutely hate is #8 - Lol :-). Yea, I know, I should clearly love it, since I love emoticons and "LoL"-ing, but I don't. Hate it. Great album overall; I'm impressed. If it wasn't for the danger to my sanity, this album would be on constant repeat.

Oh and PS.: He's been working out I see :-)

Late Night... Untitled...

2009-09-11T05:13:00.006-04:00

Limits nor boundaries confine me
When the wide expanse of my mind comprehends what I see
When I look into your eyes
The only word that could possibly describe it is
Beauty.
Transforming through The Man Above into the woman
I’m meant to be, I need your spirit
Begging my change to go deeper.
You are that intrinsic factor, keeping me fresh.
In your eyes, I see a future of we, of us,
Reaching a zenith of happiness most people can’t attain in their dreams
Not constantly relying on the fire to keep our love aflame,
but the coals, the foundation that established our connection
A passion never ceasing or decreasing, my imagination couldn’t fathom
A lack of the tunnel vision infecting my mind…

Trilingual.Traveling.Woman

2009-08-29T08:38:00.002-04:00

So, I'm teaching myself Korean (with the help of a few Korean friends). I figure I visit too often to not be able to hold a long conversation in the native tongue. Thus far, the language is easier than English. I'm off to study now, but if I seem MIA, just know that I'm training my tongue... lol, PAUSE...

Man As Hero: Should I Expect Him to be The Eye of My Storm?

2009-08-22T08:03:00.010-04:00

I think nearly every little American girl heard those sappy stories about the "knight in shining armour" growing up. Fortunately for me, I was never one to believe in such f*ckery. Yes, that came off as harsh, but in my world, a knight on a white horse was just a ridiculous thought. Now one idea I did like was that of a hero- particularly a superhero. Whenever I got mad at someone or I wasn't having a good time, I would imagine I had some X-man-like power, or that One of them came to rescue me. Maybe I was Rogue, taking away another person's power. Or maybe Jean Grey came to assist me with moving things with my mind- you get the point here. Well, I'm a grown woman now, and all thoughts of heroes have faded away, taken from the sand by the tides of reality. But have they really? I've never been one of those maudlin, romantic Mary's that wanted a man to save me, but with what's been going on in my life lately, I've been fantasizing of a hero again. The exception in this phase of my life, is that I do have a man there willing to support me. However, I'm so used to "supporting" myself, that I don't know how to strongly let him know that I need him. By 'strongly' I mean, how do I let him know I require his assistance emotionally, without losing the image of being a strong, independent woman in his eyes. Also, if I do decide to let him know, does this mean I'm putting the burden on him of being my "hero," my "Knight in Shining Armor?"

According to a book written by Joel N. Orr (Every Man a Hero, Every Woman a Coach): Every man is born to be a hero. Every woman has world-building skills that can help him accomplish that goal. If this is actually the case, it would mean I am slacking on my coaching duties and denying him the opportunity to be a "real" man to me. The problematic scenario would go something like the following in my mind: I will express to him how I feel (to a very superficial degree, I already have). He will comfort me at that moment...then, he will forget. I will become irritated because I'll feel that, when I've finally reached out, my feelings are being ignored. He won't notice this because he's very busy. However, it's not his fault that I rarely seek his help. Would it be right for me to want him to be the calm in my storm now?

I wouldn't expect a miracle, but I'd want to see empathy at the very least. I'm a simple girl- just shoot me a txt and ask how I'm doing periodically- I'm satisfied with that; many people wouldn't be. For me, this is how one could be my "knight." Its surprised me more than anything that I even need one, but according to dictionary.com a "Knight In Shining Armor" is someone who helps you when you are in a difficult situation. Everyone needs that at some point- or at least that's what I'm currentlt telling myself lol.

I guess I'm wondering, is right to expect a man to be your hero? I could have gone on and on with this topic, but I know, me myself- I prefer to read short works lol. Help me out with your opinions if you can...

A link related to the post topic. I don't necessarily endorse it, but I did find it to be intriguing: http://www.theheroprinciples.com/

Lovely People in Korea

2009-08-22T07:09:00.014-04:00

This picture makes me smile... Gotta love a shot with the star of the show (-:

This is a great shot of my beautiful Korean friends and I at the studio, right before one of Pinnacle's shows. I really enjoyed those two. The great thing about girl talk is that you don't always need to speak the other's language to understand it. :) And d*mn what a tan I had lol

The Korean music scene is actually pretty fabulous!

Anna is so photogenic. One of the sweetest women you can meet. She and I have fun hanging out and going to performances together :) Not only is she pretty, she can sing her heart out!

This is the endless fruit platter they served in Club Answer. I realize it doesn't fall in the "people" category but it was so good.

A Summer of Progress

2009-08-21T23:11:00.004-04:00

I ended up receiving All A's (A+'s in fact) in all of my summer abroad classes. Unfortunately, my university only accepts Study Abroad grades on a pass/fail basis. BUT, the grades will show up on my transcript even if they Don't affect the good ol' gpa. I still have one class left- that I took directly through my school. I think I have a B+ in there :(. I have an A on every exam, but I suck at participating in blackboard discussions. LoL.

In short people, my summer was beautiful. I recognized some elements of my personality- both good and bad. That sounds neutral right? Wrong. What it was...What it is... is beauty. I recognize my flaws and my strengths. Since I have knowledge of both of these things, I can proactively work on myself. I'm happy about that. I also discovered that I do have the capacity to * this summer. Now what exactly that means, I'm not sure. Right now, I'm happy being confused.informed.spontaneous. Clarity is always beauty... even when it hurts.

Sorry

2009-07-12T21:31:00.001-04:00

Hello all! Sorry for the lack of updates. Korea has me busy (: pics coming soon
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Guess Who's "Bizack" !

2009-06-12T09:51:00.007-04:00

I know I know, I haven't posted in a while- for that, I apologize. However, in my defense, I have been studying for my final exams (so far in my classes I have one A and one B+ yay!) and.... Packing/Planning for SK!! Yes, I got in to university there!! Thus my darlings, my summer shall be spent in the stifling heat of Asia. I'm really excited about this opportunity and hope to make the most of it. And there's a treat in it for you. Per my receiving a grant from my school to assist with my travels, I will be keeping a blog about my experience!

Now, onto some random rants:

1. Got My hair braided in Cincinnati (I should have known that would be trouble) at Kine Braids. I've only gotten braids one other time and that was in Atlanta. Imported hair. $375. One hair braider on mi cabeza. Salon Tres Belle (the braids were beautiful. I got compliments for days. Lasted long. did NOT break my hair off). I was trying to be a good little budget girl and go a bit cheaper. Well ya get what ya pay for. Though everyone else likes it, I am not impressed nor pleased. I had high expectations. I showed her a picture, and the workmanship simply falls short of what I desired. Oh did I mention I already had to pay her AGAIN to touch up some braids on the top, and it hasn't even been a month? Yea, I had to pay for maintenance after 3 weeks! Such BS., but Selah, such is life when you try to be financially responsible. (:

2. Sprint is the WORST phone company ever. I've had so many issues with them, that I could trouble shoot your phone AND your billing issues. Their customer service associates are rude and frequently incompetent. This weekend, I spent 2 HOURS on the phone being passed from representative to representative that didn't know sprint had a Repair/Replace/Exchange program that was NOT through Assurion! I get pissed just thinking about it. In the end, of course, I got my way, but I had to tell THEM what their own program was. Even one of the supervisors didn't know. Sprint SUCKS! I have a $579 Blackberry that drops calls ALL OVER The city I reside in, but gets PERFECT service in South Korea... Ridiculous. Two particular streets that I have to drive down EVERYDAY- calls drop and break up every. single. time.! Again I say, Sprint SUCKS!. Verizon and ATT both get beautiful service there. When I call to complain and explain the issue, they tell me they will send someone to the street. They never do. They always forget to make notes on my account. They "update" my software (although I have the latest software...always) to "fix" the issue instead. Did I mention that Sprint was a horrible cellular service to have? They have cheap plans within the US... that's the ONLY positive thing I can say.

3. Someone help me pack, please?? I am trying to decide which shoes to keep and which ones to take. I enjoy all my loves though... ::sigh:: the painful decisions of being fashionable....

My Own Show.Time.

2009-04-27T16:44:00.009-04:00

I need a man whose words aren't shifting like the sand
under my feet
I need. I need. I need
Stability Mobility Security.
I refuse. To love. In Chains. ...

See, I was just a normal girl; till I
met this guy
love was just a 4 letter fantasy of the
weak, rarely crossing my mind
until you. you,
You crept down my axons, sent
a firing of potentials I never could have never was prepared
for These feelings. These emotions. This pain
consumes me when I observe the way
It ceases to consume you.
I need. I need. I need
Your heart. That piece of you
that you own of me
I cannot stand this
Inequality. You always Restricting me
Like Cinque I scream
Give. Us. Free.
I refuse. To love. In chains. ...

I need a man who can handle me
when I'm happy.sad.slightlycrazy,
Not afraid to let his emotions Be
I need. I need. I need
something that's real
Exposed. Raw. Free.
A real that's not ashamed to show
you care deeply
Lets go of Inhibition Opposition Limitation
I Refuse. To Love. In Chains.

As was stated in the message, this poem is NOT completely personal. Though connected to it, it does NOT represent me... ::N. Furtado- Showtime...:: is the inspiration, and it's release a few years ago prompted this work.

Blame It On The... Pink Cashmere...

2009-04-26T19:49:00.004-04:00

Too bad I'm not an alcoholic... If you've been here from the beginning then you read my "Cashmere. Panties. and Champagne." Poem... I found the perfect Drink for my "Pink" haha-Nuvo... Sip up ladies :-)

When Does it Move Past Necessary to Nagging?

2009-03-16T01:54:00.005-04:00

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, typically, what I write is probably fashioned toward topics that women are more interested in, but I would really enjoy a man’s perspective on this. We as people, not just women, want to feel happy and secure in our relationships. Everyone likes to have a sense that what they have is, indeed, theirs. These feelings, as sweet as they are, can cause many other side effects. Yes, side effects. To name a few, jealousy, insecurity and just overall annoying behavior. :: LoL ::. In all seriousness though, once someone begins to care for another person so deeply (or much worse, love), they tend to, in my opinion, make that person their everything. As Keyshia Cole puts it, they allow that person to “complete them.” As wonderfully romantic as that sounds, I think it can potentially cause problems. My issue with that concept (though I do love the song), is that the Lord should be the entity that completes you before any man ever does (do read The Lady, Her Lover, and Lord, great read from the “Woman Thou Art Loosed” series). Your identity should not lie with a man, especially if he’s not your husband. I agree that he should be endeared, cherished by you (if the relationship is that far along), but he should not actually be your “everything.” Ephesians 2:10 says that we are God’s workmanship- Not some man’s (or woman’s) but God’s. Anyway, once you incorporate a man into your essence, into your spirit, into you, all the little things he may do wrong, or simply not to your liking, might become more prominent. Your radar for potential competition is also heightened; though some, including myself (hehe), would never admit that. In my opinion, what logically follows after these onerous emotions are allowed to fester, are more arguments. Of course, it’s okay to communicate your wants and needs to your partner, and they should want to make you happy (and vice versa), but when does that “communication” get to be too much? I’m not sure where that limit is, but once a man becomes so indurate, salvaging what’s left of the relationship can be impossible.

I was watching the movie Fireproof, and a woman’s constant nagging of her husband eventually caused a huge implosion in their relationship (aka a very heated argument). Now, he never said that he wasn’t wrong, but he was making an effort to change. Most men, however, do not communicate that they realize what things, specifically, they need to work on. Things would be much easier if he would just sit you down and say, “Listen, baby, I know I’m doing XXX wrong; or I know I that I’ve been lacking in XXX area, but I recognize this, and I promise you I am working on it.” Since men don’t like to say the aforementioned statement, how else does a woman let him know, but to tell him? And, if she has to tell him because he refuses to communicate it himself, how many times is too many to mention it? If she tells him once, and he works on it for a while, but then reverts to his old ways, is it okay to mention it again?

Men, I’d love to hear your perspectives on this, because obviously, you’d know the answer better than I would!

Also if you're wondering what your "identity" in Christ is, here's a great site: http://encouragingbiblequotes.com/verses2a.html

And here's an article on why nagging is Not the answer lol: http://marriage.about.com/od/chores/a/nagging.htm

"Perfect" Love or "Perfect" Lover?

2009-02-12T22:22:00.006-05:00

While browsing information for a situation I am currently going through on my own (surprise surprise), I came across an interesting quote that got me contemplating love and myself in general. Here is the quote:

"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love". Tom Robbins in "Still Life With Woodpecker"

At first glance, I simply let it go, but I kept coming back to it... A startling statistic shows that 54% of unmarried, single Americans are Women (http://www.census.gov/). With a percentage like that, perhaps Tom Robbins is right, maybe women do waste time trying to mold some random guy into their perfect lover. Take, *.*.*, yes her, again. Although she can't seem to let him go, I still feel for her on some level (that's deep deep deep down lol). She told me, in her own words, that she kept trying to force this man to be something he wasn't for her. For privacy sake, I will not say the exact amount of time; but I will say that she spent a great deal of time on this guy, only to have her hopes dashed against the harsh rocks of reality. She was in deep love, he was in like. So what is she really left with in the end of all this attempted molding and shaping? A lesson learned? Oh.yes., there was a lesson learned, but was all the pain worth that lesson? He doesn't even acknowledge her existence now. She spent so much time trying to create the perfect lover, she forgot the other part of the equation- the perfect love.

I can't throw too many stones though. Am I not doing the same, only in reverse, so to speak? He is basically the man I need him to be, we both have agreed to work on some things. However, I really don't spend that much time trying to mold him, I try to mold what we have between us. My reasoning to myself goes a bit like this, follow if you can: If what we have between us continues to grow, how can we not be growing as people too? By between us, I don't mean the physical either. I am referring to the uniting of our minds, the synchronizing of our spirits- that irreplaceable security in knowing that only we can have what.it.is. that We.Have. The kind of material I'm eventually trying to have is simple, 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 (Daily Bible Scripture - 1 Corinthians 13:4-5). Ha, I know, simple but yet.so.complicated. and so.rare. My point is, what if I am spending so much time striving to create this beautiful music, this divine connection, between us, that I am missing something in him? Don't misunderstand, I am not oblivious to his flaws, but am I jumping the gun to assume that he is growing at the rate same rate as the feelings? I am careful to make sure we are both on the same page, and I like this page that we're on most of the time. Is that enough though, am I presenting myself with a healthy balance?

I don't want to end up being 40 years old and still owning a number in the composition of that 54%. So tell me people, does the perfect lover get made, when the perfect love is created? Or can you not have the "perfect love" without first having the "perfect" lover. And F.Y.I., for me, his beautiful flaws are all the "perfection" I need.

I'd really appreciate a male perspective, because I really don't think like the typical female (so.I'm.told).

Update: The Arrival

2009-01-27T18:32:00.004-05:00

The happy traveler did prove to be very useful. There was not long line at customs, and we ended up going right through. I'd expressed before that I didn't know if I would hug * or what... The or what is what scared me. He was in a rush to get to work, and my second bag took forever to come off of the luggage carousel. As I grabbed my second bag, I realized, this would be it.

There he is. I say a brief hello. I can tell he's nervous. I'm nervous too, but it's obvious that I have the upper hand. We stand together waiting for the bus to come, and then it happens.
In his friendly "Idon'treallyknowwhattosay" voice, "Heyyyyyy There! C'mere." He gives me a hug. I don't know if I want to stay strong or if I want to give in, let my knees buckle and fall into his arms.
His heart is beating so fast, so intensely, that I can feel it when he hugs me.
I decide to stay strong. "Emotions are for the weak ," I say to myself.
He lets me hear a new song he's been working. Cute enough (and therefore lame enough) we shared his iPod for the listen. A few brief words exchanged but not many. I praised my body for not betraying me at this point, not cracking too many smiles.
Well, we get to his job, and thankfully, he has to go right in to work.
I get time to think, to sort out this swirl of emotions. And what a swirl it is...

Quote Of The Day

2009-01-27T10:12:00.002-05:00

"Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he could be, and he will become what he should be."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Obama Might Be A CrackBerry Too!

2009-01-26T17:22:00.006-05:00

Check the article out at the link below!

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2008661443_blackberry23.html

After reading the article I feel even more proud to stand up and say, My name is Honey, and I.Am.A.Crack.Berry. :-)

Our new president refused to let go of his beloved BlackBerry when he took office.

"Don't say that in front of my BlackBerry!"

The.Flight.

2009-01-22T18:57:00.002-05:00

The Rich Couple & The Friendly Traveler:
Now the title I’ve given them may sound a bit egregious but, they were actually very sweet and approachable. Older, probably in their sixties, one with graying red hair, the other totally grey and wispy. I noticed that they were placed on the stand-by list two ranks above me. I was sad about this, but I will still number 7 on the list, still hopeful. I think people in an airport, at the same gate, wanting the same thing must develop an automatic sense of camaraderie. I don’t mind this. Although I was not necessarily in the mood to talk, I think I needed to- my stomach was beginning to turn.
“How long have you been waiting,” she politely asks me, a warm smile. I can tell she is someone’s wonderful grandmother.
“I have been waiting for a little over two hours. They are saying they don’t know if they can fit us all due to a weight and balance problem on the plane.” I volunteer the stand-by list I was given, and they smile. Since they have worked for the airline company since 2000, they are bumped above 3 other people on the list, including me.
“This was last minute for us. We just got put on the list. We were trying to go to Tokyo, but the plane was too full.”
I noticed that although they are not dressed in flashy clothing or gaudy jewelry, they are rich. One can just tell. Not “Hilton” rich, but wealthy enough. The husband is one of those men that doesn’t wear his sense of entitlement without proper merit. He has worked for the finer things in his life, he has possibly reached the top of his game, and now he and his wife are enjoying the fruits of their labour.
“Oh,” I say, “my mother works for the airline, and she tells me they have 12 seats open. We should all be able to fit.” I say this more to reassure myself than to reassure them. They will be fine. This juncture also happens to be where the friendly traveler makes his appearance.
“The amount of seats doesn’t really matter, it’s an issue of balancing the plane’s weight, but I hope we can all get on.” I turn around, not only to see who has decided to throw in their $.10, but also to see who this person is with the oddly kind voice. When I do, I see dusty blonde hair, glasses, and, as expected, a very kind face. One could tell from his demeanor, even his posture that he “would not hurt a fly.” I instantly liked him, not in the flirtatious sense, but in the way one is attracted to people that exude such a pleasant spirit like he did.
“Yea, I keep forgetting that. I still hope we can all make it on.” I am nervous again; then I noticed that the CSR has called the top name on the list. We all wait to see who approaches the counter, but no one does. We all smile at each other, knowing that none of us is too upset over his missing the flight. I know I know, this sounds mean, but you must understand the disparity we all shared too board this plane.
The kind traveler smiles at me. Little did I know that he would prove to be a wonderful asset to me when I arrived at the Korean airport.
After much anticipation, we all board the flight with weary smiles.
I got seated in 4F, business class. It was spacious to say the least. I hadn’t made it to my seat, before they took my trench coat and hung it next to the other “important” coats. The leather was soft. The seat reclined in so many different combinations that all pointed to the same goal- relaxation.
There was a television set up with all my favorite HBO shows available for viewing and also several movies (The Dark Knight and Baby Mama among them). I was giddy with confusion, as I could not decide whether to watch Sex and The City or read about the Husband and His Sweethearts or just vibe to my iPod.
Although I’m a very classy woman, this was my first time in business class on an international flight. When the first meal was served, I had no clue which knife to use, or which fork. Fortunately, I am one of those women that is always blessed enough to be surrounded by someone intelligent and kind. The man next to me boarded with his wife and son. His wife was Thai and he was Caucasian. He helped me pull out the television screen when I had no clue where the button was. He helped me figure out how to turn the light on and off with his soft spoken directions. He would notice me struggling through my eyes, not my gestures, and simply do it for me. I looked to him to see which knife to use for what food. That man will never know what it meant to me for him to be next to me for the flight. He will never know the embarrassment he spared, the social knowledge he instilled…
As for the food, all I can say is this: Not all cocktail sauces are created equally, and the one on the plane was simply delectable. As were all of the served meals. The dessert was not spectacular at all, just ice cream with chocolate sauce.

The.Taming.Of.My.Seoul.

2009-01-22T18:24:00.002-05:00

I think as most everyone knows, I boarded a plane for South Korea on December 17, 2008. My reason for coming changed slightly, as the time passed, before I left for the trip. However, the core reason still remained and was also the source of my nervous excitement. Not butterflies, more like the nervousness that’s makes you want to privately vomit. Okay, I won’t lie, butterflies at some points, but for the most part, it was not a pleasant feeling. As I sat and waited in Atlanta to discover my fate (whether I would make it onto the plan or not), I engaged in conversation with various people with interesting stories to tell. Let’s see:

Random Woman with Sleeping Child:
She sits down by me, rushed and out of breath. “It is so hard to navigate through these airports with a stroller!”
I peek into the stroller to see a little angel’s chest going in and out, seemingly to some melodic beat that I’d never get to hear. Rosy cheeks and chubby little fingers that looked sticky. I smile to myself wondering what the mother had just been through, while the child’s hands were getting to their sticky state.
“Are the airports not very stroller-friendly?”
“They’re so big and the elevators are far and few in between.”I nod my head even though I have no clue about the locations of elevators in the airport (except the 2 right near the escalators). Perhaps this is what she meant lol.
The Military Black girl:
“I’m in the military, otherwise I would not be here.”
At this point, I’m not tired, so I accept her offer for asinine conversation.
“How come, you don’t like it there?”
“No, not enough black people,” She says and shakes her head.
Race was not a topic I intended to discuss at that moment, so I diverted to one of my favorites- food. “Do you have a favorite dish out there?”
She adamantly shakes her head no. “Some of the beef dishes are okay, but that’s about it for me.” I look at her and smile; she says, “I hope to see you on the flight,” as she leaves. They have allowed military persons to board first. I thought to respond with an, 'I hope to see you too,' but instead I just smile one of my bests... to her back..yeeaaa.
The two “Typicals” :
These two were particularly funny for me as they represented the typical movie portrayals of two overweight, young , white males that just love to have fun and get drunk. Characters from a National Lampoon, so to speak. Both had dark hair and little beer pudges, but were completely fine with it, completely unaware; All smiles, the entire two and a half hour wait- Reading magazines, listening to music.
“Duuuuude, we gotta get on this flight!” “It would suck to be stuck here.”
I smile at the sincerity in his voice and he notices. He says “Man, I just really have to make this flight. We got a party to get to!” This statement makes me smile even more as that would so be the reason for their rush. I also feel a kinship to them because I too am waiting on a seat that is vital to my well being.
“I look at him and say oh gosh I want to come!” Now, obviously, I did not care about the party they were attending, but I was bored, and great conversation always keeps me stimulated.
He says happily, “Sure, come on, the more the better, plus you’re hot!” This made me laugh but I turned away and put my nose back in my book Suddenly, I got a knot in my stomach as I realized where I was about to fly off to.
Rather, who I was about to fly off to.
Would we get along? Who knows, I ache to see him badly, but I am not over it. I still have so much pain and so much anger. The “cheating?” Yes, that too, but more so the “choice,” or rather , the lack there of. The fact that he told me “I choose you,” that for about two weeks he told me how I was the one he would want and then, just changed his mind. This was more hurtful than any “cheating” could have ever been. Cheating is expected from a man in his stage, unfortunately. You know the stage I’m referring to: “I’m a man but the boy in me still wants to play” stage. The stage where he is making that transition into who he truly is to become. Behaviour in this stage is erratic and at times careless, but when he’s a great man (and he is), the side that proves most successful and progressive for him is the side that will emerge as dominant. However, the latter situation cannot be passed off as simple boyish ways. Or maybe it can… I don’t think he understands the magnitude of the effect that his “decision” had on me, or perhaps just doesn’t care, but it gnaws at me relentlessly. The time out here has been so surreal, whimsical. Being close to him reminds me of Hubble (you S.A.T.C Lovvvahhss know what I mean lol). “Oh the way we were.” However, I must continuously wake myself up from this fantasy to remind myself that when “The Other” visits her affections received will be the same (or more). When one has to constantly question the authenticity of a moment, that special “something” is taken away from that moment. How do I know the things he is saying to me are not being said to her? Lord knows, he got an “A” in charm school, so it’s easy to fall but dangerous as well. I figured when I saw him that everything I’d been holding inside would flow sequatiously out of my mouth. It has not quite happened that way…
Anyway, back to the airport soiree (lol). My nerves are growing more jittery and palms more moist as I ponder the possibility that I might not make this flight. Obviously, I have to. I cannot let him down. I cannot let her down (lol you know she was mad), and I certainly cannot let the most important person of the equation down- myself.

The Update

2009-01-22T18:09:00.002-05:00

Okay, I haven't written for a while and for good reason- L.I.F.E.! School has been hectic and, quite frankly, my mind is still in Seoul. I had a wonderful time. As most of you who follow know, I went out there to visit *. I began to write a long journal entry while there. An I warn you, I do mean LONG. in the following few posts, I will break down this long entry to make it easier and less lulling to read.

iLoved.It.

2009-01-09T00:26:00.001-05:00

All I can say right now is that Seoul. Was. Wonderful.

Landed Safely

2008-12-18T05:02:00.001-05:00

Ok all, I have landed in Korea. Morew to come, of course :-)
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Nervous!!

2008-12-16T13:44:00.003-05:00

I am becoming more nervous by. the. minute. I don't know if can handle this. I will see him tomorrow when I get to baggage claim and step off of that plane. He will actually be there, physically. Will I run to him? No, never. Will I hug him? I don't know. I know nothing, what was once static is now fluid and mixing with other emotions. I almost feel like Pandora's box is being opened again, and upon the release of it's contents, I'll be reduced to some sniveling pathetic woman like *.*.* again.
Or perhaps not. Perhaps it will mean nothing to me. I have basically moved on, hopefully this progress will transfer when I see him.

Testing

2008-12-15T15:07:00.001-05:00

Just testing out this mobile blog feature...
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Early Departure!!!

2008-12-15T10:14:00.002-05:00

Hello all! Just informing you that I am leaving on the 17th now! Yay!!!

If My Eyes Were My Only Way to Communicate...

2008-12-11T12:56:00.002-05:00

What would they say to You? Would you care enough, to stare enough, to hear me?

Should Be Studying But...

2008-12-08T00:14:00.001-05:00

The energy isn't flowing as sequaciously as I thought it would... Well, Tuesday is my last exam- will post more then!

The Warmth

2008-11-30T19:03:00.002-05:00

He is still familiar. We kicked it like old days, and believe me it's been years. Attraction is high, then again, so is risk. We care for each other- being friends for this long, who wouldn't? I am still not sure about things though. Waitress made a great point:

I want a man that can hold me for twenty minutes straight, without wanting or needing anything in return. Without wanting sex or even a kiss. One that will try nothing at a moment that he realizes that I am vulnerable and hurting... Yes, he will hold me but what about the other stipulations? I am not sure if he can provide this for me. Oh he listens to me, every little thing- he can repeat :-) I love that, because, sometimes, I ramble. He laughs at my funny jokes and teases me for the not so funny ones. I.love.that. We have fun together, and who needs a therapist's couch when he provides me with 3am WalMart runs? LoL...

A great Quote

2008-11-28T23:51:00.004-05:00

"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

~Marilyn Monroe

Some Men Will Be And Forever Are, No Good

2008-11-28T23:39:00.004-05:00

For some men, no matter how they treat you, still aren't worth a darn.

For when he uses words like "us" "them" and "we" all it really means is his d*ck and he!

It's all an illusion...

Beware. That.is.all.

Oo Shame on Me...

2008-11-24T13:16:00.002-05:00

This is hilarious. I know, I shouldn't laugh but this is just wayyy too funny. I like to be good, but how they do so love it when I'm bad lol.

On the downside I actually had to delete my FB Honesty Box a while ago! So many people kept writing in there about *.*.*, and then people (females included) kept writing sexually grotesque messages... Get a life.

Healing

2008-11-21T08:18:00.002-05:00

Maybe my heart is mending.

"All it takes, is a little love and a lot of heart... you have yours and I have mine."

Lenka- A Single I'm Loving

2008-11-21T00:58:00.001-05:00

Don't Let Me Fall is so sweet and upbeat. So real. This song is cute and uplifting. Very nice deviation from the standard, pushed industry music.

Bears Repeating

2008-11-21T00:53:00.003-05:00

I said it once, I'll say it again, there's beauty in the breakdown, and in letting go.

Lord, I pray you continue to assist me in separating the people from the situations. Keep my heart warm to love. Keep my mind keen to understanding and graciousness. Allow me to know when to let go of what can no longer or should no longer be held. Ease my pain, but continue too bless with the virtue of patience. I need you. I praise you. Thank you.

"Kissing broken bridges and softly blowing them away." ~Honey

French.PoP.Rocks.

2008-11-18T23:19:00.002-05:00

I have NO CLUE what she is saying in this song...and I.Love.It!!

Give Yelle a Listen!

Sasha Fierce.... Almost Forgot!

2008-11-18T22:19:00.008-05:00

So most everyone knows, I like Beyonce. I'm not saying she is the best, but her steelo is awesome. I have not had a chance to listen to the entire CD yet.

So Far... I am loving Satellites, Video Phone, Diva... I am not sure about this though- there are a bit more songs than I would like for there to be that I can skip through...

And actually Diva is rather stupid. A hustler is not feminine or masculine- it's a money-maker. period. The beat is sick though. That's about it.

Nymphomaniac

2008-11-18T21:01:00.005-05:00

Yes, I'm sure the first thing that popped into your head was quite inappropriate, and guess what? You're right. There's nothing more I can say except that I.am.addicted. To pleasure.

Food-gasms. Shoe-gasms. Fashion-gasms. Heck even grade-gasms. I love it. I mean goodness, who doesn't love a good gasm? Me, though, I think I represent the extreme of the continuum. I know there are support groups for this sort of thing, but I'm not sure that I want to be cured... I am not a shop-a-holic as of yet- okay let me stop lying, I am a recovered shop-a-holic. It's just that feeling you get when you find that perfect Burberry trench coat or that distressed brown leather bomber, the price is irrelevant. "You gotta have em'. You're glad you got em'." I get this rush, this ecstasy when I find the right pair of shoes. I'm approaching climax when I see them, but when I slip them on my feet with perfect outfit, there's nothing that can bring down my high. I fiend for that high- who would want to be cured of such a wonderful relief from reality?

As for food, I think anyone that knows me is aware of my love affair with food. Hello Lovvvahhhss ::glances lovingly at the raw broccoli and carrots::... Food-gasms are produced exteriorly, but radiate through your body from the inside out. You inhale the aroma of a delicious portion of manicotti. The scent arouses your tongue, almost as if you're already tasting it... When the actual food finally reaches your taste buds, it's beautiful.it's organic.it's divine. It's a gasm! Once you swallow the tasty morsels, they cause a chain reaction and hence the gasm-effect.

You may think I am crazy after reading this- you might just be right. For now, that is all.

Random Meets Insane... Chemistry

2008-11-17T11:10:00.007-05:00

The products formed from the reactants of random and insanity are this... lol

Some people should just never be friends. Better yet, people possessing these qualities should never even meet. My new friend and I decided to hit the art museum. Needless to say the pictures will be hilarious. Instead of looking at the art, we decided to imitate it and photograph our sick actions. As the onlookers stared at the art, we posed, giggled and participated in sporadic outbursts of fun. People switched their stares of confusion from the Picasso masterpieces to my friend and I. We became live art exhibits. an we.did.not.care.

I love it! I mean it was free, it was childish. It took me back to the Corcoran, maybe even the Smithsonian, circa 1998. I was young. I loved art, and you couldn't tell me I was not sophisticated as I ran around all of the pictures posing in front of them like Vanna White. Forwarding back to the present, I was waiting for security to come escort us off the premises for making more of a fuss than the new exhibit, but thankfully we were spared. Though one woman gaffed, we entertained most- more importantly ourselves. lol.

Oh and if you couldn't tell, the reaction never hit equilibrium. It stayed in a constant state of entropy haha.

Settling For Honesty

2008-11-16T19:13:00.004-05:00

I know this sounds strange given my older posts but as women, are we now forced to settle for honesty? Let me explain.

Recently a friend told me that she went on a date. The man was charming, handsome, intelligent. Conversation was stimulating. However, during the course of the date, he revealed that all he wanted was sex. Now don't get me wrong, I'd much rather have a man just come right out and say this instead of letting a faux relationship drudge down the trail of man hating.

I have another friend who was with a man for 3 years and found out, through social networking no doubt (lol), that he had another girlfriend for 1 of those years. He denied it at first, but both women eventually got the truth out of him.

I think my own situation has been discussed enough.

Thus, the question I pose is this: Are our new choices simply blunt honesty or lies? Note, I am not upset that Mr. IJustWantSex admitted this fact on the first date, but what happened to those men that wanted fulfilling relationships?Are the only men left the justwantsex men or the posers? Those men that create the illusion of a relationship just to get the sex. Is this really all that's left for those poor single women like me?

I'm certainly no hopeless romantic, but I desire marriage. I want a man that I can love through whatever and receive that same kind of love. I want the love described in 1 Corinthians.

In this society we live in, where have all the Godly husbands gone?

Dream a Little Dream

2008-11-15T11:33:00.004-05:00

I wish I could have more lucid dreams. Thankfully, I remember my dreams nearly all the time, in full detail...

I used to dream that I had this son. He was beautiful. More importantly, he was great. I birthed greatness. Yes, All mothers feel like this, but mines was different. I did not know my child. I did not know I respected him. I recognized that he had a purpose and that it was my job to nurture that purpose and provide the catalyst for his flourishing. I never know that I'm dreaming when I see my son. The motherly pride with which I view him in my arms is more real than the chemical reactions I am currently working on. Cold sweat. I wake up from this dream, every time, with a cold sweat. It excites me; it terrifies me. I want to indagate its reason for recurring but hesitant as to what I might find...

I am firm believer that dreams are not meaningless fluff. Everything has a purpose. Why would God bless us with such an ability to escape reality as we sleep. Though for some, nightmares plague them, they usually all have a meaning behind them. I am thinking of delving into dream analysis heavily. What if certain dreams could be chemically forced- a sort of natural virtual reality?

"At times I yearn to reach that star as it dangles tauntingly over my head. Then sometimes, I say F It..."

New Attitude

2008-11-11T15:27:00.001-05:00

I am loving how this feels! I.am.freedom.materialized.

Still Happy Too Though

2008-11-09T20:10:00.003-05:00

The Voter informed me that he plays the guitar. He also said he'd teach me. Hmm... I'm still thinking I should keep my distance. I don't want to ruin him haha.

I got my HW finished. Good grades on the quizzes.

Going to see Obama in January- yes, I got tickets to the inauguration. No, I won't be watching it on TV. lol

New hair-do has been decided.

I've decided to stop being so accommodating to certain situations. Yes, that means to you, sorry :-)

I have been following God more and more, and, although paved with pain, the road has been beautiful... I Love you Lord. Thank you for blessing me in times when I deserve nothing...

Health Returns

2008-11-07T22:12:00.001-05:00

Feeling much better today! Thank goodness. Still a bit of fluid on the chest, a bit of sinus pressure, but definitely manageable. Man, I am my best doctor. LoL

Funny Stuff

2008-11-07T10:05:00.000-05:00

Hilarious but worth the read

http://www.walletpop.com/blog/2008/11/06/watch-out-bosses-are-saving-money-by-firing-employees-over-face/?icid=100214839x1212500186x1200826063

The Other & Her Valley That I Almost Got Stuck In

2008-11-06T14:09:00.009-05:00

A good friend pointed out a few interesting things about the character of Ms. *.*.* . I mean already knew she had minimal self respect but when a grown man pointed it out to me, It just became more real.

What kind of woman stays with, or rather attempts to stay with, a man who...I'll leave that one blank for the sake of maintaining privacy.

What kind of woman stays with a man when she knows she's being cheated on?
She told me herself she knew (and not just about me), and yet, she stayed. lol it's just nuts- avoidable heartbreak and instead she dives head first in.

His answer, at first, sounded harsh, but I completely agree with him, now that I've pondered it. His answer is:

A Pathetic One. Now normally I'd laugh after this, but it's a serious matter. What if there are more and more black women out there like her- women willing to share a man?!? Women willing to have that man in their life in any possible capacity, no matter how detrimental it is for them. It sickens me. I figured that perhaps I was wrong in having a problem with him talking to her. But a MAN provided me with confirmation that I wasn't. He wondered what kind of woman *.*.* must be to not have a problem with it? Pathetic, Horny, Lonely, Clingy or just Stupid? These are the adjectives he threw out. I don't agree with all of those adjectives, but I continued to listen to his perspective. He said that if this situation had occurred and he was the man involved he would want to drop her because he couldn't respect a woman that didn't respect herself. However, he also said, how stupid would he be to leave a woman who would accept any behaviour from him and just let it slide?

I chuckled as I mused over his statements and propositions. He was right. What man would let go of a woman that, not only enjoyed relations with other women, but also one that he could cheat on and go back to all the time? One that he knew would always be there with open arms.

He went on to note, however, that *.*.* was not yet a woman because she still doesn't know how to put herself in pain for a season so that she may be free for a lifetime. I couldn't disagree with him for the latter half- delay of self gratification is a major mark of maturity. My laughter ceased when he furthered to say that I nearly put myself on her level- that scared me. It truly did. The fact, the sheer thought, that I almost belittled myself for this man. It's one thing to forgive a mistake and be willing to move forward; it's another to not put any restraint on it. I told him one thing, after ALL he did, I only had 1 condition: Stop talking to her- a friendship with her is inappropriate. He couldn't even do that for me. Well, he did at first, but it didn't last (as previously mentioned, not even a week!). I need a man willing to suffer for me- especially when he has caused me much suffering and pain. I need a man willing to progress with ME into the future, not try and stick with sidelines from his past.

He is Not that man. He doesn't want to be.

I am still excited about the trip. I discovered I know more people out there than I thought. I am also excited because it will finally be closure. I'm the type of person that needs that.

What I've just said may sound austere, but honestly, I am praying for her. She's young and another man, just like him, could easily charm her into whatever situation. Though they both deny it, she is still pursuing him. I'm fine with that- I don't chase what's mines, it chases me. LoL, haughty I know, but I speak the truth- ask anyone.

Actually, I believe when 2 people are meant for each other, they naturally pursue each other. It should not be one sided.

In the words of Rachel, I wish her bluebirds in the spring to give her heart a song to sing. I wish her love. I wish her blessings. No malicious feelings here.
Maybe she and I can become friends, and perhaps we can learn from each other.

Great Lyrics

2008-11-05T22:49:00.002-05:00

For Just one second I felt whole, as you flew right through me...

It's Spreading

2008-11-05T20:33:00.003-05:00

The sadness is spreading to my eyes. He can see it

I smile, with that facade I've developed so well

"I'm fine. This varying weather is what has my immune system going hay-wire." I laugh my most pseudo-real giggle.

He looks at me and he sees it. I am hoping he keeps my secret, but it flows through his lips as if some sort of suction is forcing the words out.

"I think you got sick because you're so sad." How does he know that? He barely knows me. Why can his eyes see past my pupils and bear into my soul?

Hm... now some might be confused, I am Not enraptured with this man. I am just wondering why, suddenly, my sadness is not able to remain inconspicuous.

It's spreading to my eyes...

The Voter

2008-11-05T19:54:00.003-05:00

He's Sweet, Tall, an ex-ball player (lol so typical for me). He's back in school but already has a degree. Gorgeous eyes, hair. Smooth skin. Intelligent and funny... Clever? Not sure yet.

He has Baggage. I wonder if his...

I am no good for him right now. I am not the type to ask people to wait because I'm impatient myself. I need time to heal from my own situation, then I will be happy to extend my heart to another. Right now, it's unavailable.

I think he's a "we" man though. I mentioned marriage and children AND a time limit just to scare him off, and he didn't get scared! He said, "I'll help you out with that."

Lol I smiled, but kept my girlish giggle to myself. He was attempting to charm me and, thanks to recent situations, It was avoided. It simply flipped on a switch in my mind. I'm no rookie in this game, just had to regain my footing. Those eyes might get me though, I'm a sucker for intense pretty eyes.

Maybe he really is "innocent" we'll see. The issue, however, is that I was always did prefer dirty boys. Half the fun is in cleaning them up :-P

Swirling Thoughts

2008-11-05T19:44:00.005-05:00

It has gotten worse! I feel like I could pass out, and it would be sweet relief from what I've been experiencing.

I talked to him yet again today, via the telephone. That makes 3 days in a row lol. No charming. Just laughs. hmm...

She has been behaving oddly. I wonder what's got miss *.*.* so out of sorts? A little birdie told me that she might just be a tad jealous. Ask me if I care? Nope. Besides, what would she possibly be jealous of- he's in a totally different country it's not like either of us sees him. I will continue to treat her respectfully as long as she continues to do the same.

I need a massage according to a friend. Perhaps I'll work on getting one.

This new person I met has baggage....

Yuck

2008-11-05T09:36:00.003-05:00

Okay, I definitely feel like crap today. Though I am still quite excited over Obama's win, I can't help but to notice the pulsing sinus headache (which includes not just my head, but my face as well). Or my stuffy and yet runny nose. Or my lack of energy, despite sleeping nearly all night. Or that queasy feeling in my stomach.

I'm no going to the doctor yet though...

It's Official- President Barack Obama

2008-11-04T23:16:00.005-05:00

Speechless

Stunned

Crying

Ecstatic

Proud

Astonished

Obama has won. Will be sworn in January.

This is a movement. Change has occurred. My children will read about this...

Dr. King's dream is being realized, and I am alive to see it. Thank you God, protect the Obama family and thank you for blessing him with victory tonight...

Rosa Parks gave up that seat and the reason is blaring at me through the television.

Barack is officially the 44th President. Pictures to come...'''

338 to 155 electoral votes as of now... Yes We Can

Anxious, Excited... Sick

2008-11-04T20:59:00.005-05:00

I have so many emotions swirling and mixing right now. I can barely even write this. While feverishly watching CNN, so many thoughts are going through my mind. The projected wins are being played at the bottom of the screen. Looks like Ohio made the best decision lol. If McCain wins, grad school overseas will be my only option. I want to go with friends to watch the results, but I feel sick- physically sick. I believe I might be coming down with a cold. My first of the season. As long as it's gone by December 17, I don't care. I am ready for a change. I believe that Obama's presidency would not only change America but change the African-American culture as a whole. Black men would have an admirable male figure to look up to. Barack & Michelle are the perfect power couple. The nuclear black family could return- the idea of having a "baby mama" could possibly be extricated from being one of our norms. Barack has a strong sense of family and that could be just the catalyst we need- a wonderful example of what a marriage in God can be like. His influence just by running in this election is palpable at least. Young black people, that I have never before seen interested in politics, know what the issues are and know where Obama stands on them. He has induced a sense of passion and urgency in them- aroused what was once jaded. Minds that were one manacled by words like "Can't" are now free to imagine possibilities- what can be more beautiful than that, the ability to fantasize...

Many years ago Franklin P. Adams stated, "Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody." I feel like he has been proved wrong in this current election. Of course, many black people are voting against McCain, but I truly believe they are more so voting FOR Obama. People like him, they appreciate what he represents in life, not just politically.

More to come...

Flip It On The Womanizer

2008-11-04T17:25:00.006-05:00

1. Never give him your heart.

2. When he says "we," he doesn't mean you and him. He means himself... and his ****!

3. Don't let him tell you that he's okay with his friend's hitting on you because "it tests you." If a man cares about you, he should expect his friends to respect you two's relationship. You are not a tool with which he can flex his pride when (or if lol) you reject his friends.

4. Have sex, Do Not make love with him. His feelings are never as deeply invested as yours might be.

5. Don't confuse a full night with him as romance- his other girl was probably just busy that night.

6. At dinner make sure to offer to pay and pull your card out. That way he knows he's not playing with a rookie. You're no groupie. You don't need his money.

More to come... must study now...

Snough

2008-11-04T14:17:00.001-05:00

A combination of a cough and a sneeze. Not to be confused with a cawn or a snawn. lol J, you are hilarious.

I Have Officially Voted!!

2008-11-04T11:59:00.005-05:00

I voted and it felt lovely. Surprising even myself, I teared up a bit as I reviewed the candidates and blackened the box next to Barack Obama's name. This entire election is so dynamically life-changing. The fact that a Black Man has even made it as a MAJOR candidate in America is an amazing feat in and of itself. Through all of the struggles, we've made it. I am sad to admit that before December, 2007. I had not had that much pride in this African half of my heritage. So many flaws I was pointing out. Oh I respected Us, I loved us, but pride? That was an entirely different issue for me. Lately, so much negative within our race had been occurring that that's all I was focusing on. I am so proud that we have made it this far. I am proud to have the multi-shaded skin that covers me (lol inside joke to ALL of my friends). I pray for our society as a people. That we continue to progress and not regress. That we preserve our culture and not continue to corrupt it.

I am smiling to myself, watching CNN neurotically and eating a carrot Stick.

OBAMA FOR CHANGE!!!

History In The Making

2008-11-04T07:48:00.001-05:00

This election is emotional. It is powerful. I am a history-maker. It might be my one vote that changes the world and I love that. I will tell my children that I voted for the first ever black president, Barack Obama.

Lol

2008-11-04T00:18:00.001-05:00

Can't you see I'm busy?! These cleaning products are filthy!

You're Average- Get Over It

2008-11-03T22:22:00.014-05:00

I love to wear stilettos. I love to wear thigh high lace nylons for no reason at all. I love lip gloss, although I choose to almost never wear make up (it's limited to eye shadow occasionally). Yes, the color pink and I have a love/hate relationship. Being a woman that absolutely loves to feel sexy and look pretty (by my own definition), I find it hilarious when a woman feels like she's "low maintenance" or "not average" simply because she chooses to rock sneakers and sweats instead of skinny jeans and pumps... And do note that I said "not average", not "above average." They feel that because they spend their money on Nikes and Timberlands that they are some special breed that can relate to the male species in a way that us "pink-lovers" simply cannot. I say, it's your prerogative what you choose to wear but please please please, do NOT think yourself as the opposite of average- because FYI, there are a ton of girls out there JUST..LIKE..YOU. Tom boys have been around forever, so get over yourself (please and thank you lol). Even if you don't consider yourself to be a tomboy, at least admit that there are THOUSANDS, MILLIONS, of women that rock sneakers, and rock them well I might add.

LoL. The same way I am not a deviation from average just because I choose to wear high heels and mac gloss. It's funny to me that these women, by trying not to fall into what they consider to be the "norm," have simply placed themselves into a different category of "normalcy". As far as being high maintenance, last time I checked, great sneakers weren't cheap- you're $50-$85 sneakers are no better than my $50 to $85 pumps/flats. You're $100+ pair of timbs is no better than my Winter season 09' Aldo's moccasin boots. We are just two different categories of women- not a deviation from the status quo.

HOWEVER- and this is a huge however- The way you rock your boots or pumps CAN excise you from the "I follow the rules" category. Your steelo, your vibe, your "You" is what makes you a deviation from what is average.

I'm not hating, just speaking my mind. I'm just tired of hearing females that love to rock sneakers and hate the color pink pride themselves on being so "not average." And in my opinion, a real woman can represent versatility. The same way I can be sexy in those Black leather Jimmy Choos, I can wear my Nikes or Ed Hardy's and be just as confident. As Jay would say, your "swag" is what changes the category you fall into or whether you fall into a category at all. Be your most confident and attractive self no matter what color or style of shoe you're rocking.

I'm iLLie....

2008-11-03T21:47:00.003-05:00

The Symptoms:

An extremely sore throat

A semi-broken heart

Hot flashes

Fatigue

Yet Lack of Sleep

Occassional sneezing

Fever? Didn't bother to check

What do you think is causing more problems? Some would say the heart, however, my throat is the worst right now

Medications ingested? Riccola lemon mint drops; Vicks Vapor rub has been...rubbed

Swollen glands? Nil

Any ideas?...

Free Flow

2008-11-03T00:51:00.007-05:00

I Love hearing Obama speak and the rally was everything that it should have been expectations were exceeded.

The hair has grown MUCH in these stupid braids. Thank goodness I have great friends and sisters to assist in their removal lol.

I am tired but not. Perhaps it was the late nap.

Heard more good things about the Storm today...

Church was great. Exactly what I needed to hear.

Family time was wonderful as well

A cordial conversation occurred. Not sure about the ending though lol.

Did I already mention that Breakfast At Tiffany's is a "GREAT" movie?

Diamonds are a girl's bestfriend is stuck in my head. But I do sing it ever so well. lol.

I am going home next weekend...

Haha @ the various synonyms for the word great :-)

Breakfast At Tiffany's

2008-11-02T16:08:00.001-05:00

Why have I not purchased this movie on DVD yet?

It's Time

2008-11-01T16:30:00.006-04:00

I am kissing broken bridges and blowing them away. If they were meant to be, they will rebuild themselves. Perchance, one day, a path in my life will lead me to one, and the bridge(s) will become reintegrated into my life. Or perhaps, they're gone forever. Never meant for me to utilize in the first place.

Parting is such sweet sweet sorrow.

"Instead of kneeling in the sand, catching teardrops in my hand. My heart is drenched in wine. You'll be on my mind forever..."

Beauty In the Breakdown

2008-10-31T20:31:00.005-04:00

Tears are to be cherished...

Is what I want to be...

is loved by me, myself and I...

need closure to this problem...

is that he wants it all...

falls down at some point...

tears must come because...

There's beauty.in.breaking.down and

in.letting.go.

"Not Only Slowing But Shrinking"

2008-10-31T09:56:00.002-04:00

Recently, In was perusing through the paper, when I realized that I had not even paid attention to the front headline. Upon reading, I discovered that not only are the politicos officially admitting to that we are in a decline, they now think the economy is actually shrinking! Now, that is something that fluttered through my mind within the past month, but I never imagined it would actually be announced. According to the NY Times, consumer spending has significantly dipped for the first time in 17 years. The Enquirer says two more quarters of shrinkage = RECESSION.

Astonishing as this sounds are we surprised? Honestly, I can barely tell the difference between middle class and lower class these days. Government funding for education is at an all time low, thus both classes of people are struggling to pay those tuition bills. What does this say for our children, our future? America has an infrastructure such that higher education is necessary to acquire a well paying job. Unless, you are part of that "Good Ol' boy" club, wherein you are set for life by default. As for us "normal" folk, we still have to work our way up the career ladder- whatever path that may be. I must admit, it makes me weary. If the average American has no access to college, no access to funds, how will the successive generations have a chance to flourish?

I hope with a new presidential cabinet will come better financial choices and some type of long term solution to this problem...

Reality Checkpoint

2008-10-30T23:57:00.001-04:00

I'm not sick, nah. My head is always on firmly.

But I'm not well. Perhaps it's turned just a hair too far to the left, I don't know but something is wrong.

The thoughts are abnormal. Serious Disturbia. Hmm... I think I'll call you know who for a late night Wal-Mart run. I need to release some stress. I need to laugh, and I need to be overwhelmed by the aisles of goodies at Wal-Mart lol.

Okay Okay!

2008-10-30T23:18:00.003-04:00

Tone it down people, I am NOT in love. That was not my point. I was meerly expressing what a possible and cute outcome of this situation could be. lol

Carrie and Big = * & I

2008-10-30T17:46:00.004-04:00

I think perhaps I must make the decision Carrie Made. Leave him alone- totally. After the trip that is.

We'll let each other go (or so we'll think), but We'll never forget

He'll marry her or some other sub par bimbo and I will hear about it. Lol. I will cry, my friends will comfort me. He and I will see each other again, and for one awkward moment we'll both remember "they way we were." As our eyes lock, both of our spouses, mates, significant others or whatever will return from the bathroom or the valet service and smile that knowing smile: "so you're him/her..."

LoL Then he'll split with her. He'll reach out to me. I'll be with my endearing boyfriend still, but resisting will be hard. I'll slip into old habits (some die hard some never die at all). My fiance will leave me, and I'll think I have * to run to. Au Contraire, he'll break me down again. He and his wife will reconcile.

I will be heartbroken, not only because he failed me again, but because I failed someone too (my fiance who I cheated on for a man who didn't truly love me...yet).

Sounds insane, but we will meet again. Oh no, us meeting will not be insane, the fact that I will fall into old habits and expect different results is what will be insane.

In the end though, we will realize that we were meant for each other and no one else can fulfill what we fulfilled with each other. We may be the marrying kind and we might not- it doesn't matter to us as long as we're together.

Lol cute huh?

See here's the problem with my little extrapolated saga: The girl that he will most likely realize he can't be without, regardless of their status is *.*.*. I would probably be the wonderful wife (aka Natasha lol) that's getting cheated on and played. *.*.* will be the woman he falls for time and time again.

Ha what a beautiful little nightmare...

True Blood- Irony

2008-10-30T14:18:00.005-04:00

"My Brother's a dog. He's all smiles and charms in the beginning...You seem like a sweet girl, I don't want you get to hurt."

"You know, I don't think Jason's realized even half of what he's going to be. I wouldn't be so quick to judge- you might be surprised at what he's capable of..."

I got a dose of irony this morning... And here it is again this afternoon right on HBO

Once again I plea, someone save me from myself so I can heal. Please.

Poison: Let Her Drink It

2008-10-30T13:04:00.015-04:00

The man is toxic for me...My stomach is churning thinking about him and the words he chooses to say actually the words he chooses not say. A headache is sure to follow. Why can't this man, after I've poured my heart out to him, pour at least 1/4 of his out to me? Why does he continue to relish in my unhappiness?

I'm sick of this, literally, but I know how to fix it

My Choice: *.*.* Take him. Keep him... away from me in all shapes and forms. *, Downgrade all you want just please leave me out of it...Don't make a choice baby, I'll choose for you- I'm good at that.

He doesn't get it and never will. Of all that I wrote for him to read on here, He missed every single important point. He addressed nothing. After all he's done, he stuck to what was safe for him, totally disregarding what I needed to hear him say. My feelings mean as much to him as hers (probably less), and I cannot handle that- why should I have to compete with anyone?(I am so tempted to post a comparison photo from all angles LoL) I won't compete with what I've already beaten- and there in lies the problem. The choice for him was clear and he made it- *.*.*. The ball is in my court and I've chosen to pick it up and go home. I am not staying in this game. I played hard when I didn't need to. I tossed him the ball for the alley oop in the last 2 seconds, but he decided the cheerleader (*.*.*) was too much distraction. What else can I do but go home, defeated?

Take his pipe, his words, his touches, everything about him that charmed and endeared me. Please erase my photographic memory for your sake and mines as well.

This trip might just be the end, I'm certain. The end of a twisted chapter that I hope I will only re-read in laughter while I sit with my husband and think about how I almost sacrificed it all for one who was willing to give up nothing for me. Am I not worth at least something to him? It hurts me to say that, I mean actual pain. No really, please feel me on this, ACTUAL PAIN. I got short of breath and lightheaded when I came to this conclusion- that I must let him go. What hurts more is that he doesn't care. Why doesn't he care? because he has her (*.*.*). Scratch that, he cares about me- he just happens to care about her as well. He'd be physically sick if he stopped talking to me, yet he's willing to sacrifice that. I can't try to keep something that doesn't want to be kept. I'll let her handle that from now on.

He can't stand to not talk to her because they are such good "friends". LoLs! cracks me up every time I replay the words- In that not funny sort of way. In that seriously "are you joking?" sort of way. I would share with her just how fond of her he really is, but I think I'll let her be "surprised" when she raises enough of her money to go and see him (or perhaps he'll pay for his precious one to come and continue whats been on his mind anyway) lol. She's one of those, "He-must-love-me-because-he-chose-me-over-her- girls," One of those types that will feel special just because he still talks to her, not realizing that she's only hurting herself with those glimmers of hope.

BitterSweet Joy Goes Down So Hard

2008-10-29T19:21:00.003-04:00

Well, I was so excited before. I still am. However, I just reminded myself that this trip could mean the end... Will we stay friends? Not sure, honestly not sure. Can I even take two weeks of it? Don't really have a choice. On the flipside, this could mean the beginning of an end of some type of inorganic friendship. Forced? yes. Awkward? yes. I just don't know. It kills me that he acts like nothings happened but then again he does.

"So you aren't excited anymore?"

Then on the same hand, he wants to joke with me as if we're friends. At this point, we are not friends. More like strangers that just happened to share a chapter in a book. A corrupted chapter at that. I don't even know if he knows me really, and I obviously don't know him...

I can hear his name without tears, should I leave it at that and just pretend I never met him after this trip? I guess only time will tell... But anyway, less than 2 months now! I suppose I will have to wait until then to find out, unless the morning's conversation is some magical statement that I (or she) has never heard before.

I highly doubt that ladder statement...

OH----EM---GEEEEE!!!

2008-10-29T16:36:00.003-04:00

Lord, you have blessed me so, and I love you for that!

I conversed and really kicked it with "The Other"! She is not only funny and sweet, but did I mention we laugh at things together? Ha!! First the great convo last night and now this! We actually have some inside jokes now (IE. our shade from that "palm tree" and my: I think I ate and laughted too early." ) Lol

Also, my official SK itinerary came in now! I cannot wait!! I am taking a picture of EVERYTHING!

YAYYYY

The Almost Perfect Guy...

2008-10-29T09:44:00.003-04:00

OMG he's ever so interested in everything!! He can't stand to hear me in pain. Never wants anyone to be rude to me (Snoop Dog- Beautiful ring any bells?). Won't let me be lazy. Constantly reminds me of all my goals, and offers to help me reach them (ha inside 1). LoL. He loves when I look good but never minds seeing me in my WG outfit and thinks I have that "sexy bedroom hair look" when I first wake up... lol. He loves it when I sing to him- which on purpose is rare really, normally I sing to myself and he overhears- but you all know I spit those lyrics off the daily (yeaaaa son! lol).

I hate to see him sad. His words can change my mood- never negative though; whenever I'm sad, he knows how to turn my frown upside down (lol corny I know). I love to see him flourishing in prosperity, and I love that we both love the Lord.

Yes, he sounds like my man right? Nope, a great friend. Irreplaceable even. He's better than strawberry-topped cheese cake and bubble baths on a rainy day- well maybe just the cheesecake haha.

Why isn't he my man you ask? Well It's simple, when he was ready, I wasn't. He's a bit older than me (No, N***, not that old, I'm a somewhat past that phase now lol), and I just couldn't handle it at the age that I was- too busy promo modeling and city hopping.

He's actually a little mad at me right now. He says, "How could you let him hurt you like that? You're so much better than that!!" My response: I live and I learn- I admit, it's a lesson I'd rather have never had to experience first hand, but I have now. All I can do is cherish what's left of me and let the rest flow as it will...

She Says She Loves It....

2008-10-29T00:01:00.004-04:00

Lol... so gay. but this woman, this female... she says she likes the way I do me. When she thinks of my name, her eyes get starry and hollywood pops in her head?!

Lol she must know the old me- I am no longer young fly and flashy. Perhaps fly, but not young and flashy. No more Chanel bangles, mixed with Louis belts and purses. Too old for all that. I am a boring neuro-science student now haha. I know nothing of parties and flashing lights anymore- left all that behind...

Now why she decided to share what with me, I'm not certain. Her goal is jah blowing me. hmm...

But Fudge Man.. here it comes, round midnight. I'm reminded...

Old Habits Die Hard- #1...

2008-10-28T19:29:00.004-04:00

Younnngggiiinnnn'!!! So funny, those "candy kisses" !!! Some people were just meant to be stuck in a static phase- teasing constantly never crossing the line... LoL... I win this time though..

Don't test me, play boi, I'm one of the best at this game- I play to win, and I have a rock of moves, not so far up my sleeve, to accomplish that goal....

"The Other" is No Longer So Foreign...

2008-10-28T19:22:00.004-04:00

A wonderful conversation with *.*.* today, made me feel totally guilty about the previous conversation with *. Yes, my opinions on her and he will probably never change, but I do see that there is a bit more to her than what people talk about, than what she is known for. I enjoyed the conversation- not only long but genuine. No, I don't think she and I are on the same level, but it is not my job to judge her. If * wasn't so interested in her, I probably wouldn't even care about her infamous flaws. She's sweet and we laugh at the same thing at times.
Crazy crazy crazy.... These emotions of mine. It is not her fault- I keep reciting this to myself, so that I can separate her from the situation...

It's hard.

Lord, grace me with forgiveness and peace on this issue...

To Tat or Not to Tat, That is The ?

2008-10-28T13:36:00.003-04:00

I really think I want a tattoo... but of what. I actually want two. One small one right near my ***** and one around my hips or up my side. I am, admittedly, a bit scared of the sensation, but I hear that you get used to it. Besides, certain pain gives me a rush. The major hindrance is, surprisingly, that one Bible verse:

Leviticus 19:28 – “Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.”

Should I take this verse literally? Or, is this symbolism for something else? I really could use some advice on this. However, many of my friends have tattoos,s o would they be good sources? hmm...

In the mean time I'll have my friend give me Henna tats in both places lol :-)

Once Upon A Time

2008-10-28T11:44:00.004-04:00

The world was sweeter than we knew. Especially the Jay McShann version.

You never know what you have until it's long gone, past getting it back. Not me this time. I always know what I have when I have it :-)