Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Or perhaps not. Perhaps it will mean nothing to me. I have basically moved on, hopefully this progress will transfer when I see him.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I want a man that can hold me for twenty minutes straight, without wanting or needing anything in return. Without wanting sex or even a kiss. One that will try nothing at a moment that he realizes that I am vulnerable and hurting... Yes, he will hold me but what about the other stipulations? I am not sure if he can provide this for me. Oh he listens to me, every little thing- he can repeat :-) I love that, because, sometimes, I ramble. He laughs at my funny jokes and teases me for the not so funny ones. I.love.that. We have fun together, and who needs a therapist's couch when he provides me with 3am WalMart runs? LoL...
Friday, November 28, 2008
For when he uses words like "us" "them" and "we" all it really means is his d*ck and he!
It's all an illusion...
Monday, November 24, 2008
On the downside I actually had to delete my FB Honesty Box a while ago! So many people kept writing in there about *.*.*, and then people (females included) kept writing sexually grotesque messages... Get a life.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Lord, I pray you continue to assist me in separating the people from the situations. Keep my heart warm to love. Keep my mind keen to understanding and graciousness. Allow me to know when to let go of what can no longer or should no longer be held. Ease my pain, but continue too bless with the virtue of patience. I need you. I praise you. Thank you.
"Kissing broken bridges and softly blowing them away." ~Honey
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Some people should just never be friends. Better yet, people possessing these qualities should never even meet. My new friend and I decided to hit the art museum. Needless to say the pictures will be hilarious. Instead of looking at the art, we decided to imitate it and photograph our sick actions. As the onlookers stared at the art, we posed, giggled and participated in sporadic outbursts of fun. People switched their stares of confusion from the Picasso masterpieces to my friend and I. We became live art exhibits. an we.did.not.care.
I love it! I mean it was free, it was childish. It took me back to the Corcoran, maybe even the Smithsonian, circa 1998. I was young. I loved art, and you couldn't tell me I was not sophisticated as I ran around all of the pictures posing in front of them like Vanna White. Forwarding back to the present, I was waiting for security to come escort us off the premises for making more of a fuss than the new exhibit, but thankfully we were spared. Though one woman gaffed, we entertained most- more importantly ourselves. lol.
Oh and if you couldn't tell, the reaction never hit equilibrium. It stayed in a constant state of entropy haha.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Recently a friend told me that she went on a date. The man was charming, handsome, intelligent. Conversation was stimulating. However, during the course of the date, he revealed that all he wanted was sex. Now don't get me wrong, I'd much rather have a man just come right out and say this instead of letting a faux relationship drudge down the trail of man hating.
I have another friend who was with a man for 3 years and found out, through social networking no doubt (lol), that he had another girlfriend for 1 of those years. He denied it at first, but both women eventually got the truth out of him.
I think my own situation has been discussed enough.
Thus, the question I pose is this: Are our new choices simply blunt honesty or lies? Note, I am not upset that Mr. IJustWantSex admitted this fact on the first date, but what happened to those men that wanted fulfilling relationships?Are the only men left the justwantsex men or the posers? Those men that create the illusion of a relationship just to get the sex. Is this really all that's left for those poor single women like me?
I'm certainly no hopeless romantic, but I desire marriage. I want a man that I can love through whatever and receive that same kind of love. I want the love described in 1 Corinthians.
In this society we live in, where have all the Godly husbands gone?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
I am firm believer that dreams are not meaningless fluff. Everything has a purpose. Why would God bless us with such an ability to escape reality as we sleep. Though for some, nightmares plague them, they usually all have a meaning behind them. I am thinking of delving into dream analysis heavily. What if certain dreams could be chemically forced- a sort of natural virtual reality?
"At times I yearn to reach that star as it dangles tauntingly over my head. Then sometimes, I say F It..."
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
I got my HW finished. Good grades on the quizzes.
Going to see Obama in January- yes, I got tickets to the inauguration. No, I won't be watching it on TV. lol
New hair-do has been decided.
I've decided to stop being so accommodating to certain situations. Yes, that means to you, sorry :-)
I have been following God more and more, and, although paved with pain, the road has been beautiful... I Love you Lord. Thank you for blessing me in times when I deserve nothing...
Friday, November 7, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
What kind of woman stays with, or rather attempts to stay with, a man who...I'll leave that one blank for the sake of maintaining privacy.
What kind of woman stays with a man when she knows she's being cheated on?
She told me herself she knew (and not just about me), and yet, she stayed. lol it's just nuts- avoidable heartbreak and instead she dives head first in.
His answer, at first, sounded harsh, but I completely agree with him, now that I've pondered it. His answer is:
A Pathetic One. Now normally I'd laugh after this, but it's a serious matter. What if there are more and more black women out there like her- women willing to share a man?!? Women willing to have that man in their life in any possible capacity, no matter how detrimental it is for them. It sickens me. I figured that perhaps I was wrong in having a problem with him talking to her. But a MAN provided me with confirmation that I wasn't. He wondered what kind of woman *.*.* must be to not have a problem with it? Pathetic, Horny, Lonely, Clingy or just Stupid? These are the adjectives he threw out. I don't agree with all of those adjectives, but I continued to listen to his perspective. He said that if this situation had occurred and he was the man involved he would want to drop her because he couldn't respect a woman that didn't respect herself. However, he also said, how stupid would he be to leave a woman who would accept any behaviour from him and just let it slide?
I chuckled as I mused over his statements and propositions. He was right. What man would let go of a woman that, not only enjoyed relations with other women, but also one that he could cheat on and go back to all the time? One that he knew would always be there with open arms.
He went on to note, however, that *.*.* was not yet a woman because she still doesn't know how to put herself in pain for a season so that she may be free for a lifetime. I couldn't disagree with him for the latter half- delay of self gratification is a major mark of maturity. My laughter ceased when he furthered to say that I nearly put myself on her level- that scared me. It truly did. The fact, the sheer thought, that I almost belittled myself for this man. It's one thing to forgive a mistake and be willing to move forward; it's another to not put any restraint on it. I told him one thing, after ALL he did, I only had 1 condition: Stop talking to her- a friendship with her is inappropriate. He couldn't even do that for me. Well, he did at first, but it didn't last (as previously mentioned, not even a week!). I need a man willing to suffer for me- especially when he has caused me much suffering and pain. I need a man willing to progress with ME into the future, not try and stick with sidelines from his past.
He is Not that man. He doesn't want to be.
I am still excited about the trip. I discovered I know more people out there than I thought. I am also excited because it will finally be closure. I'm the type of person that needs that.
What I've just said may sound austere, but honestly, I am praying for her. She's young and another man, just like him, could easily charm her into whatever situation. Though they both deny it, she is still pursuing him. I'm fine with that- I don't chase what's mines, it chases me. LoL, haughty I know, but I speak the truth- ask anyone.
In the words of Rachel, I wish her bluebirds in the spring to give her heart a song to sing. I wish her love. I wish her blessings. No malicious feelings here.
Maybe she and I can become friends, and perhaps we can learn from each other.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
I smile, with that facade I've developed so well
"I'm fine. This varying weather is what has my immune system going hay-wire." I laugh my most pseudo-real giggle.
He looks at me and he sees it. I am hoping he keeps my secret, but it flows through his lips as if some sort of suction is forcing the words out.
"I think you got sick because you're so sad." How does he know that? He barely knows me. Why can his eyes see past my pupils and bear into my soul?
Hm... now some might be confused, I am Not enraptured with this man. I am just wondering why, suddenly, my sadness is not able to remain inconspicuous.
It's spreading to my eyes...
He has Baggage. I wonder if his...
I am no good for him right now. I am not the type to ask people to wait because I'm impatient myself. I need time to heal from my own situation, then I will be happy to extend my heart to another. Right now, it's unavailable.
I think he's a "we" man though. I mentioned marriage and children AND a time limit just to scare him off, and he didn't get scared! He said, "I'll help you out with that."
Lol I smiled, but kept my girlish giggle to myself. He was attempting to charm me and, thanks to recent situations, It was avoided. It simply flipped on a switch in my mind. I'm no rookie in this game, just had to regain my footing. Those eyes might get me though, I'm a sucker for intense pretty eyes.
Maybe he really is "innocent" we'll see. The issue, however, is that I was always did prefer dirty boys. Half the fun is in cleaning them up :-P
I talked to him yet again today, via the telephone. That makes 3 days in a row lol. No charming. Just laughs. hmm...
She has been behaving oddly. I wonder what's got miss *.*.* so out of sorts? A little birdie told me that she might just be a tad jealous. Ask me if I care? Nope. Besides, what would she possibly be jealous of- he's in a totally different country it's not like either of us sees him. I will continue to treat her respectfully as long as she continues to do the same.
I need a massage according to a friend. Perhaps I'll work on getting one.
This new person I met has baggage....
I'm no going to the doctor yet though...
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Obama has won. Will be sworn in January.
This is a movement. Change has occurred. My children will read about this...
Dr. King's dream is being realized, and I am alive to see it. Thank you God, protect the Obama family and thank you for blessing him with victory tonight...
Rosa Parks gave up that seat and the reason is blaring at me through the television.
Barack is officially the 44th President. Pictures to come...'''
338 to 155 electoral votes as of now... Yes We Can
Many years ago Franklin P. Adams stated, "Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody." I feel like he has been proved wrong in this current election. Of course, many black people are voting against McCain, but I truly believe they are more so voting FOR Obama. People like him, they appreciate what he represents in life, not just politically.
More to come...
2. When he says "we," he doesn't mean you and him. He means himself... and his ****!
3. Don't let him tell you that he's okay with his friend's hitting on you because "it tests you." If a man cares about you, he should expect his friends to respect you two's relationship. You are not a tool with which he can flex his pride when (or if lol) you reject his friends.
4. Have sex, Do Not make love with him. His feelings are never as deeply invested as yours might be.
5. Don't confuse a full night with him as romance- his other girl was probably just busy that night.
6. At dinner make sure to offer to pay and pull your card out. That way he knows he's not playing with a rookie. You're no groupie. You don't need his money.
More to come... must study now...
I am smiling to myself, watching CNN neurotically and eating a carrot Stick.
OBAMA FOR CHANGE!!!
Monday, November 3, 2008
I love to wear stilettos. I love to wear thigh high lace nylons for no reason at all. I love lip gloss, although I choose to almost never wear make up (it's limited to eye shadow occasionally). Yes, the color pink and I have a love/hate relationship. Being a woman that absolutely loves to feel sexy and look pretty (by my own definition), I find it hilarious when a woman feels like she's "low maintenance" or "not average" simply because she chooses to rock sneakers and sweats instead of skinny jeans and pumps... And do note that I said "not average", not "above average." They feel that because they spend their money on Nikes and Timberlands that they are some special breed that can relate to the male species in a way that us "pink-lovers" simply cannot. I say, it's your prerogative what you choose to wear but please please please, do NOT think yourself as the opposite of average- because FYI, there are a ton of girls out there JUST..LIKE..YOU. Tom boys have been around forever, so get over yourself (please and thank you lol). Even if you don't consider yourself to be a tomboy, at least admit that there are THOUSANDS, MILLIONS, of women that rock sneakers, and rock them well I might add.
LoL. The same way I am not a deviation from average just because I choose to wear high heels and mac gloss. It's funny to me that these women, by trying not to fall into what they consider to be the "norm," have simply placed themselves into a different category of "normalcy". As far as being high maintenance, last time I checked, great sneakers weren't cheap- you're $50-$85 sneakers are no better than my $50 to $85 pumps/flats. You're $100+ pair of timbs is no better than my Winter season 09' Aldo's moccasin boots. We are just two different categories of women- not a deviation from the status quo.
HOWEVER- and this is a huge however- The way you rock your boots or pumps CAN excise you from the "I follow the rules" category. Your steelo, your vibe, your "You" is what makes you a deviation from what is average.
I'm not hating, just speaking my mind. I'm just tired of hearing females that love to rock sneakers and hate the color pink pride themselves on being so "not average." And in my opinion, a real woman can represent versatility. The same way I can be sexy in those Black leather Jimmy Choos, I can wear my Nikes or Ed Hardy's and be just as confident. As Jay would say, your "swag" is what changes the category you fall into or whether you fall into a category at all. Be your most confident and attractive self no matter what color or style of shoe you're rocking.
An extremely sore throat
A semi-broken heart
Yet Lack of Sleep
Fever? Didn't bother to check
What do you think is causing more problems? Some would say the heart, however, my throat is the worst right now
Medications ingested? Riccola lemon mint drops; Vicks Vapor rub has been...rubbed
Swollen glands? Nil
The hair has grown MUCH in these stupid braids. Thank goodness I have great friends and sisters to assist in their removal lol.
I am tired but not. Perhaps it was the late nap.
Heard more good things about the Storm today...
Church was great. Exactly what I needed to hear.
Family time was wonderful as well
A cordial conversation occurred. Not sure about the ending though lol.
Did I already mention that Breakfast At Tiffany's is a "GREAT" movie?
Diamonds are a girl's bestfriend is stuck in my head. But I do sing it ever so well. lol.
I am going home next weekend...
Haha @ the various synonyms for the word great :-)
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Parting is such sweet sweet sorrow.
"Instead of kneeling in the sand, catching teardrops in my hand. My heart is drenched in wine. You'll be on my mind forever..."
Friday, October 31, 2008
Is what I want to be...
is loved by me, myself and I...
need closure to this problem...
is that he wants it all...
falls down at some point...
tears must come because...
There's beauty.in.breaking.down and
Astonishing as this sounds are we surprised? Honestly, I can barely tell the difference between middle class and lower class these days. Government funding for education is at an all time low, thus both classes of people are struggling to pay those tuition bills. What does this say for our children, our future? America has an infrastructure such that higher education is necessary to acquire a well paying job. Unless, you are part of that "Good Ol' boy" club, wherein you are set for life by default. As for us "normal" folk, we still have to work our way up the career ladder- whatever path that may be. I must admit, it makes me weary. If the average American has no access to college, no access to funds, how will the successive generations have a chance to flourish?
I hope with a new presidential cabinet will come better financial choices and some type of long term solution to this problem...
Thursday, October 30, 2008
But I'm not well. Perhaps it's turned just a hair too far to the left, I don't know but something is wrong.
The thoughts are abnormal. Serious Disturbia. Hmm... I think I'll call you know who for a late night Wal-Mart run. I need to release some stress. I need to laugh, and I need to be overwhelmed by the aisles of goodies at Wal-Mart lol.
We'll let each other go (or so we'll think), but We'll never forget
He'll marry her or some other sub par bimbo and I will hear about it. Lol. I will cry, my friends will comfort me. He and I will see each other again, and for one awkward moment we'll both remember "they way we were." As our eyes lock, both of our spouses, mates, significant others or whatever will return from the bathroom or the valet service and smile that knowing smile: "so you're him/her..."
LoL Then he'll split with her. He'll reach out to me. I'll be with my endearing boyfriend still, but resisting will be hard. I'll slip into old habits (some die hard some never die at all). My fiance will leave me, and I'll think I have * to run to. Au Contraire, he'll break me down again. He and his wife will reconcile.
I will be heartbroken, not only because he failed me again, but because I failed someone too (my fiance who I cheated on for a man who didn't truly love me...yet).
Sounds insane, but we will meet again. Oh no, us meeting will not be insane, the fact that I will fall into old habits and expect different results is what will be insane.
In the end though, we will realize that we were meant for each other and no one else can fulfill what we fulfilled with each other. We may be the marrying kind and we might not- it doesn't matter to us as long as we're together.
Lol cute huh?
See here's the problem with my little extrapolated saga: The girl that he will most likely realize he can't be without, regardless of their status is *.*.*. I would probably be the wonderful wife (aka Natasha lol) that's getting cheated on and played. *.*.* will be the woman he falls for time and time again.
Ha what a beautiful little nightmare...
"You know, I don't think Jason's realized even half of what he's going to be. I wouldn't be so quick to judge- you might be surprised at what he's capable of..."
I got a dose of irony this morning... And here it is again this afternoon right on HBO
Once again I plea, someone save me from myself so I can heal. Please.
I'm sick of this, literally, but I know how to fix it
My Choice: *.*.* Take him. Keep him... away from me in all shapes and forms. *, Downgrade all you want just please leave me out of it...Don't make a choice baby, I'll choose for you- I'm good at that.
He doesn't get it and never will. Of all that I wrote for him to read on here, He missed every single important point. He addressed nothing. After all he's done, he stuck to what was safe for him, totally disregarding what I needed to hear him say. My feelings mean as much to him as hers (probably less), and I cannot handle that- why should I have to compete with anyone?(I am so tempted to post a comparison photo from all angles LoL) I won't compete with what I've already beaten- and there in lies the problem. The choice for him was clear and he made it- *.*.*. The ball is in my court and I've chosen to pick it up and go home. I am not staying in this game. I played hard when I didn't need to. I tossed him the ball for the alley oop in the last 2 seconds, but he decided the cheerleader (*.*.*) was too much distraction. What else can I do but go home, defeated?
Take his pipe, his words, his touches, everything about him that charmed and endeared me. Please erase my photographic memory for your sake and mines as well.
This trip might just be the end, I'm certain. The end of a twisted chapter that I hope I will only re-read in laughter while I sit with my husband and think about how I almost sacrificed it all for one who was willing to give up nothing for me. Am I not worth at least something to him? It hurts me to say that, I mean actual pain. No really, please feel me on this, ACTUAL PAIN. I got short of breath and lightheaded when I came to this conclusion- that I must let him go. What hurts more is that he doesn't care. Why doesn't he care? because he has her (*.*.*). Scratch that, he cares about me- he just happens to care about her as well. He'd be physically sick if he stopped talking to me, yet he's willing to sacrifice that. I can't try to keep something that doesn't want to be kept. I'll let her handle that from now on.
He can't stand to not talk to her because they are such good "friends". LoLs! cracks me up every time I replay the words- In that not funny sort of way. In that seriously "are you joking?" sort of way. I would share with her just how fond of her he really is, but I think I'll let her be "surprised" when she raises enough of her money to go and see him (or perhaps he'll pay for his precious one to come and continue whats been on his mind anyway) lol. She's one of those, "He-must-love-me-because-he-chose-me-over-her- girls," One of those types that will feel special just because he still talks to her, not realizing that she's only hurting herself with those glimmers of hope.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
"So you aren't excited anymore?"
Then on the same hand, he wants to joke with me as if we're friends. At this point, we are not friends. More like strangers that just happened to share a chapter in a book. A corrupted chapter at that. I don't even know if he knows me really, and I obviously don't know him...
I can hear his name without tears, should I leave it at that and just pretend I never met him after this trip? I guess only time will tell... But anyway, less than 2 months now! I suppose I will have to wait until then to find out, unless the morning's conversation is some magical statement that I (or she) has never heard before.
I highly doubt that ladder statement...
I conversed and really kicked it with "The Other"! She is not only funny and sweet, but did I mention we laugh at things together? Ha!! First the great convo last night and now this! We actually have some inside jokes now (IE. our shade from that "palm tree" and my: I think I ate and laughted too early." ) Lol
Also, my official SK itinerary came in now! I cannot wait!! I am taking a picture of EVERYTHING!
I hate to see him sad. His words can change my mood- never negative though; whenever I'm sad, he knows how to turn my frown upside down (lol corny I know). I love to see him flourishing in prosperity, and I love that we both love the Lord.
Yes, he sounds like my man right? Nope, a great friend. Irreplaceable even. He's better than strawberry-topped cheese cake and bubble baths on a rainy day- well maybe just the cheesecake haha.
Why isn't he my man you ask? Well It's simple, when he was ready, I wasn't. He's a bit older than me (No, N***, not that old, I'm a somewhat past that phase now lol), and I just couldn't handle it at the age that I was- too busy promo modeling and city hopping.
He's actually a little mad at me right now. He says, "How could you let him hurt you like that? You're so much better than that!!" My response: I live and I learn- I admit, it's a lesson I'd rather have never had to experience first hand, but I have now. All I can do is cherish what's left of me and let the rest flow as it will...
Lol she must know the old me- I am no longer young fly and flashy. Perhaps fly, but not young and flashy. No more Chanel bangles, mixed with Louis belts and purses. Too old for all that. I am a boring neuro-science student now haha. I know nothing of parties and flashing lights anymore- left all that behind...
Now why she decided to share what with me, I'm not certain. Her goal is jah blowing me. hmm...
But Fudge Man.. here it comes, round midnight. I'm reminded...
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Don't test me, play boi, I'm one of the best at this game- I play to win, and I have a rock of moves, not so far up my sleeve, to accomplish that goal....
Crazy crazy crazy.... These emotions of mine. It is not her fault- I keep reciting this to myself, so that I can separate her from the situation...
Lord, grace me with forgiveness and peace on this issue...
Leviticus 19:28 – “Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.”
Should I take this verse literally? Or, is this symbolism for something else? I really could use some advice on this. However, many of my friends have tattoos,s o would they be good sources? hmm...
In the mean time I'll have my friend give me Henna tats in both places lol :-)
Monday, October 27, 2008
He just made me smile. Lol, I don't think he's ever calmed me down 3 times in one message. He brought east coast in me, out. I try to keep her hidden, and I used to do a beautiful job at it. but lately she emerges through my barrier more and more easily. Oh yes, you know who- *. She belongs in a bedroom if there, she's far too b*tchy and attituded to be just out on the loose all of the time.
The other made me smile as well. He knows exactly what to say.. luckily I know exactly how to respond. I appreciate his attempts- sort of a needed boost at times, but I just can't. Too much baggage. Too much...everything. You know, even good things are bad in excess.
The library provided some much needed solitude. Ha, someone told me I looked cute in my WG fit. LOL! He knows he was lying and so was his cosigning friend. I even had on the scarf to complete it this time. Picture it: tan snow boots, tan cap, pink Victoria's secret sweats and a tan scarf. Plaid pea coat. Yes, it was nuts, but I needed to study (and vent frustrations apparently), and I did not feel like getting dressed just for this.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Lol @ remembering our "Michelle and Barack" conversation in the parking lot. "I could be like Michelle. I bet she remembers his schedule for him. I'm always remembering things for you." He laughs and agrees- he knows he's forgetful at times.
It will sound crazy with the way he's treated me, but I see an "Obama" in him. No no, not necessarily the President (well maybe), but a great man. A wonderfully accomplished, God-fearing man. I see a leader, internationally known. I see a father that his sons will look up to and his daughters will want their husbands to emulate.
I recognize an above average character. Yes he committed a typical male "crime," but I won't even fade myself into thinking that he's simply normal. He can't be, because he won my heart. No other man can say that really.
Yes yes, The Ex, the "Boxer" has some of my heart, but in a different sense. We have a nearly ten year relationship- friendship- built with each other. I will always have a spot for him; but, truth be told, after all those years, he doesn't know the parts of me that "my man" should know. I could never reach that level of intimacy with him. But *, he and I connect on so many levels. Not only my heart, but he captivated my mind. The Ex never had such privilege into my depths. I tried to reach his to no avail most times... Hopefully he'll grow up some day and make some woman a proud wife. If not, at the very least, he'll be great eye candy though ;-).
Honestly, it's not even his looks (though sexy he is, those thighs- so manly oommmgggg lol) that turned me on. It was/is his mind. I connected with his mind so sharply that it sent that ever so familiar tantalizing tingle straight to my ****. I'm used to men being intimidated by my own rather wide expanse of knowledge and poise. When I told * I was studying to be a doctor, instead of the usual "wow," or "oh so you're one of those smart chicks" responses, he said "People would be proud if we got together, me a lawyer or politician and you a doctor."
Tell me That Isn't Michelle and Barack all day!!! LoL...
The laughter ceases when I am cruelly reminded that he doesn't want any of that with me anymore... I'd shed a tear but my eyes are far too dry from writing this stupid Organic protocol :-(. D@*n these tear-snatching diethyl ethers and aminobenzoates!!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
2 glasses of wine and one piece of french toast later, I say to myself, hmmm.... I wonder what he's doing... Does he think about me as much as he drifts through my mind?? Probably not. He's a busy man. Then again, I'm fairly busy for a woman my age as well but he still manages to find space.
Another piece of french toast and one scrambled egg later, one sip of wine later... LoL at my ex texting me. Wants to know if we can go play pool. Nope nope, not doing that to myself again. Great abs though ha.
2 pieces of turkey bacon later... so what am I doing tonight??? Naming Bicycloalkenes, calculating Gibb's free energy you say? Yep, I say. so no fraternizing allowed. Thank you Lord for making all of this Organic finally click. Don't tell anyone but... <:whispering:> I actually like it :-)
Man I was pretty hungry ha.
I need a drink. Or maybe not, taking the edge off would be great, but I am also studying for Organic Chemistry. Can't name bicycloalkanes and be drunk at the same time. So I opt for a tall glass of chocolate milk instead. After the first sip, a cold drop drips down my chin. I look in the mirror and before I wipe it off- "Got Milk" pops into my head. "Snap!" Had to savour the moment.I suppose I shall return to my Politico now- This "Powell Dropping a Hammer on McCain" story is actually quite intriguing.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
So, no change. It really doesn't seem to bother him that he barely talks to me anymore. I mean when he does send that rare, open communication message, it is somewhat sweet. But also somewhat generic. We talk about the upcoming travel plans and that's it.
Can he not tell that I am in pain? Or does he notice and not care?
Maybe it was all an illusion....
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
"Paging Dr. Evans...." That's all I want to hear. I can't wait till that day comes (along with the white lab coat and tiny red Prada dress :-P). It will let me know that all of this was so worth it.
R.I.P Uncle Harry. The funeral was today... He always believed in me. I will cry for you... I will miss you... and I will progress.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
A stimulating hue of light brown and red, vibing to whatever he wants. Free of any care, or so it seems. Behind those dark shades could perhaps lie troubled eyes, a troubled soul. A never broken spirit exudes from his hugs. That smile. Beautifully flawed in all the right places. I don’t know what I’d do without this image.
Not perfect, but perfectly imperfect. When I think of my father, I see… Off-white linen shorts with a matching shirt. Small gold chain that says, yes, I have it all. I See a watch for every outfit, wonderfully selected to get him wherever he needs to be, 20 minutes late. Naïve as to why everyone is giving him “the look” when he reaches his destination.
I see a nonchalant aura of sea green and peach dancing around his head. Hiding the red and black that attempts to bubble to the surface. He stares at his children with visible pride. That son of his gets to him; thank God his daughters provide sweet kisses to dull that nagging sense of “it’s never enough.” When I think of my father, I envision a man.
Case and Point:
I am dealing with a lot right now from the current situation.
I had been cogitating over whether to e-mail him (I miss talking to him so much) or to continue not speaking to him (I am pissed with him beyond belief).
Suddenly, I get a message (usually at this hour, it's him)... My stomach turned, but I cracked a half smile. I got "angry butterflies" so to speak :-)
It wasn't him... it was "The Ex": Hey Honey, I just saw a pic of u girl. you always were the prettiest one.
W-T-F!!! F = a very hard FUDGE LoL. I always was the "prettiest one????!!!" Out of how many you jerk?! lol
I smiled, like "aww he thinks I look nice," but the grimace followed soon because I don't need this $#*!. I don't need him bringing up old memories- whether they be good or bad. He and I are so over that, in the words of Ms. Bradshaw (or should I say Mrs. Big lol), "We need a new word for over!"
Thus, aside from squabbling with myself over my current situation, I was left to think about what his butt could possibly want and why he thinks calling twice in a row each day will get the job done?
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I suppose, on a lighter note, I need to buy some cute flats...
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
The CD I have pictured above is not the most recent one (it was released in 2004), but does happen to be my favorite. With tracks like Summertime, A Love That Will Last and Someone to Watch Over Me, this CD is sure to attract even a skeptical jazz lover. I also think that a fan of Norah Jones would like the CD as well, but that's just my opinion (and yes, I love Norah Jones).
Friday, July 11, 2008
-Eric Hoffer (author).
This struck me for some reason. Our pervious minds do tend to be little whores if you think about it. Getting (and exchanging) knowledge from the first smart person we cross, lol, kidding. But on one hand not, we are constantly soaking up information from anyone and anywhere. Do people exercise "safe sex" when it comes to thoughts and info? Perhaps not for those gullible naive people. I, however, like to consider myself to be selective :-)
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Work was awesome yesterday, as we had Kaleidoscope day- a day where many cultures get together to eat, dance and enjoy life! Famous Dave's and Big Daddies served up ribs, fish and chicken- and no, I did not partake of the "cook-out" food, but I did have a small dish of orange chicken and vegetables with rice. A Scottish man blew his bag pipes, a band rocked out and this wonderfully-in-shape woman danced on stage, get this: While hula-hooping! It was pretty fun.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
I am just so used to having my roster of men filled- I mean Filled. Not in a sexual way (ewww) just with many different types: A baller (No really he plays in the NFL), a world traveller (lol he's so rude and spoiled), My island guy (Bermudian men ha), My suit and tie (so professional), my thug (ha "Soldier" is his theme song) and a few others...
This guy though, this man, he makes me want to drop them all, and I have basically. I mean yes, they still call, but the only person I want to spend time with, the only person I make time for, is him... Putting all my eggs in one basket?- so unlike me. Hopefully I don't end up with a basket full of empty shells in the end.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
With the essence of my spirit and soul
Short Breaths, Shaking hands
Not a good vibe
My mind is disturbed by the utter of his name
What it all means, I'm not sure
But feeling this loss of control is
softly killing me.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
He has been hurt, he has a sordid past- he's also hurt others. I can tell this. I know he has issues with his family- No, he did not tell me, but it's in his eyes. The mother is the first woman a man learns to respect- it's hard for him to respect other women when there is an issue with this particular one. Okay, I may be "jumping the gun"- he has not expressed any of this to me, but this is what I feel is there. I feel like I could fall into those eyes of his, and find the truth in his spirit; not tame, but befriend his soul. I want to know the good and the bad about him. Yea yea I realize this is pointless rambling to most of you, but those that have been here know the feeling.... your thoughts are random, your mind is anxious, your heart is fragile. It's some harmonious mix between crazy and bliss lol. I'm logging off now.
By the way, grades are looking great, Despite that devilish chemistry final, I got a wonderful grade!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
- Receives Totally free tuition
- Free books for some
- Child support Check (For those few the system works for)
- A Huge REFUND CHECK (usually above $1100.00) from the government
- Work Stud eligible
- Gas Cards (for some)
- Medical coverage
- Cheap Rent
- Food Stamps
I am a hard-working young woman. I may not receive top of the class grades, but I do have good grades and I sincerely make an effort in all of my classes. I don't feel like I should have to have a baby just to get some help with school!
No offense to the young mothers out there bettering themselves- I am proud for you and your child. I'm only suggesting the the government also help us childless women... Now a child is a blessing; however, I know some of these young ladies got their children through unplanned pregnancies. Is that what it takes for me to get some help? I e-mail Onestop all the time, yet my "EFC is too high." My parents stretch to pay bills as do I. I would like some financial aid, but should I have to have a child just to receive this aid?...
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
My mind into shock
Rushing to gather the folds of my robe, I answer
Sensual, trying too hard.
He notices, performs
His eyes say give me more, his smile draws
A smile that could turn any woman's
favorite lingerie into too much
Sip on this
Casual Nothings & Sweet everythings get
The more he talks, the deeper the
Reservoir in my pink cashmere becomes.
Can't take this tension, edge closer
Pretend to listen....
hmmm... how should I end this one? any suggestions?