Thursday, December 18, 2008

Landed Safely

Ok all, I have landed in Korea. Morew to come, of course :-)
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Nervous!!

I am becoming more nervous by. the. minute. I don't know if can handle this. I will see him tomorrow when I get to baggage claim and step off of that plane. He will actually be there, physically. Will I run to him? No, never. Will I hug him? I don't know. I know nothing, what was once static is now fluid and mixing with other emotions. I almost feel like Pandora's box is being opened again, and upon the release of it's contents, I'll be reduced to some sniveling pathetic woman like *.*.* again.
Or perhaps not. Perhaps it will mean nothing to me. I have basically moved on, hopefully this progress will transfer when I see him.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Testing

Just testing out this mobile blog feature...
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Early Departure!!!

Hello all! Just informing you that I am leaving on the 17th now! Yay!!!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Monday, December 8, 2008

Should Be Studying But...

The energy isn't flowing as sequaciously as I thought it would... Well, Tuesday is my last exam- will post more then!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Warmth

He is still familiar. We kicked it like old days, and believe me it's been years. Attraction is high, then again, so is risk. We care for each other- being friends for this long, who wouldn't? I am still not sure about things though. Waitress made a great point:

I want a man that can hold me for twenty minutes straight, without wanting or needing anything in return. Without wanting sex or even a kiss. One that will try nothing at a moment that he realizes that I am vulnerable and hurting... Yes, he will hold me but what about the other stipulations? I am not sure if he can provide this for me. Oh he listens to me, every little thing- he can repeat :-) I love that, because, sometimes, I ramble. He laughs at my funny jokes and teases me for the not so funny ones. I.love.that. We have fun together, and who needs a therapist's couch when he provides me with 3am WalMart runs? LoL...

Friday, November 28, 2008

A great Quote


"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."


~Marilyn Monroe

Some Men Will Be And Forever Are, No Good

For some men, no matter how they treat you, still aren't worth a darn.

For when he uses words like "us" "them" and "we" all it really means is his d*ck and he!

It's all an illusion...

Beware. That.is.all.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Oo Shame on Me...

This is hilarious. I know, I shouldn't laugh but this is just wayyy too funny. I like to be good, but how they do so love it when I'm bad lol.

On the downside I actually had to delete my FB Honesty Box a while ago! So many people kept writing in there about *.*.*, and then people (females included) kept writing sexually grotesque messages... Get a life.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Healing


Maybe my heart is mending.


"All it takes, is a little love and a lot of heart... you have yours and I have mine."

Lenka- A Single I'm Loving

Don't Let Me Fall is so sweet and upbeat. So real. This song is cute and uplifting. Very nice deviation from the standard, pushed industry music.

Bears Repeating

I said it once, I'll say it again, there's beauty in the breakdown, and in letting go.

Lord, I pray you continue to assist me in separating the people from the situations. Keep my heart warm to love. Keep my mind keen to understanding and graciousness. Allow me to know when to let go of what can no longer or should no longer be held. Ease my pain, but continue too bless with the virtue of patience. I need you. I praise you. Thank you.

"Kissing broken bridges and softly blowing them away." ~Honey

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

French.PoP.Rocks.


I have NO CLUE what she is saying in this song...and I.Love.It!!
Give Yelle a Listen!

Sasha Fierce.... Almost Forgot!


So most everyone knows, I like Beyonce. I'm not saying she is the best, but her steelo is awesome. I have not had a chance to listen to the entire CD yet.


So Far... I am loving Satellites, Video Phone, Diva... I am not sure about this though- there are a bit more songs than I would like for there to be that I can skip through...
And actually Diva is rather stupid. A hustler is not feminine or masculine- it's a money-maker. period. The beat is sick though. That's about it.

Nymphomaniac


Yes, I'm sure the first thing that popped into your head was quite inappropriate, and guess what? You're right. There's nothing more I can say except that I.am.addicted. To pleasure.


Food-gasms. Shoe-gasms. Fashion-gasms. Heck even grade-gasms. I love it. I mean goodness, who doesn't love a good gasm? Me, though, I think I represent the extreme of the continuum. I know there are support groups for this sort of thing, but I'm not sure that I want to be cured... I am not a shop-a-holic as of yet- okay let me stop lying, I am a recovered shop-a-holic. It's just that feeling you get when you find that perfect Burberry trench coat or that distressed brown leather bomber, the price is irrelevant. "You gotta have em'. You're glad you got em'." I get this rush, this ecstasy when I find the right pair of shoes. I'm approaching climax when I see them, but when I slip them on my feet with perfect outfit, there's nothing that can bring down my high. I fiend for that high- who would want to be cured of such a wonderful relief from reality?


As for food, I think anyone that knows me is aware of my love affair with food. Hello Lovvvahhhss ::glances lovingly at the raw broccoli and carrots::... Food-gasms are produced exteriorly, but radiate through your body from the inside out. You inhale the aroma of a delicious portion of manicotti. The scent arouses your tongue, almost as if you're already tasting it... When the actual food finally reaches your taste buds, it's beautiful.it's organic.it's divine. It's a gasm! Once you swallow the tasty morsels, they cause a chain reaction and hence the gasm-effect.

You may think I am crazy after reading this- you might just be right. For now, that is all.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Random Meets Insane... Chemistry

The products formed from the reactants of random and insanity are this... lol

Some people should just never be friends. Better yet, people possessing these qualities should never even meet. My new friend and I decided to hit the art museum. Needless to say the pictures will be hilarious. Instead of looking at the art, we decided to imitate it and photograph our sick actions. As the onlookers stared at the art, we posed, giggled and participated in sporadic outbursts of fun. People switched their stares of confusion from the Picasso masterpieces to my friend and I. We became live art exhibits. an we.did.not.care.

I love it! I mean it was free, it was childish. It took me back to the Corcoran, maybe even the Smithsonian, circa 1998. I was young. I loved art, and you couldn't tell me I was not sophisticated as I ran around all of the pictures posing in front of them like Vanna White. Forwarding back to the present, I was waiting for security to come escort us off the premises for making more of a fuss than the new exhibit, but thankfully we were spared. Though one woman gaffed, we entertained most- more importantly ourselves. lol.

Oh and if you couldn't tell, the reaction never hit equilibrium. It stayed in a constant state of entropy haha.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Settling For Honesty


I know this sounds strange given my older posts but as women, are we now forced to settle for honesty? Let me explain.

Recently a friend told me that she went on a date. The man was charming, handsome, intelligent. Conversation was stimulating. However, during the course of the date, he revealed that all he wanted was sex. Now don't get me wrong, I'd much rather have a man just come right out and say this instead of letting a faux relationship drudge down the trail of man hating.

I have another friend who was with a man for 3 years and found out, through social networking no doubt (lol), that he had another girlfriend for 1 of those years. He denied it at first, but both women eventually got the truth out of him.

I think my own situation has been discussed enough.

Thus, the question I pose is this: Are our new choices simply blunt honesty or lies? Note, I am not upset that Mr. IJustWantSex admitted this fact on the first date, but what happened to those men that wanted fulfilling relationships?Are the only men left the justwantsex men or the posers? Those men that create the illusion of a relationship just to get the sex. Is this really all that's left for those poor single women like me?

I'm certainly no hopeless romantic, but I desire marriage. I want a man that I can love through whatever and receive that same kind of love. I want the love described in 1 Corinthians.

In this society we live in, where have all the Godly husbands gone?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Dream a Little Dream


I wish I could have more lucid dreams. Thankfully, I remember my dreams nearly all the time, in full detail...
I used to dream that I had this son. He was beautiful. More importantly, he was great. I birthed greatness. Yes, All mothers feel like this, but mines was different. I did not know my child. I did not know I respected him. I recognized that he had a purpose and that it was my job to nurture that purpose and provide the catalyst for his flourishing. I never know that I'm dreaming when I see my son. The motherly pride with which I view him in my arms is more real than the chemical reactions I am currently working on. Cold sweat. I wake up from this dream, every time, with a cold sweat. It excites me; it terrifies me. I want to indagate its reason for recurring but hesitant as to what I might find...


I am firm believer that dreams are not meaningless fluff. Everything has a purpose. Why would God bless us with such an ability to escape reality as we sleep. Though for some, nightmares plague them, they usually all have a meaning behind them. I am thinking of delving into dream analysis heavily. What if certain dreams could be chemically forced- a sort of natural virtual reality?

"At times I yearn to reach that star as it dangles tauntingly over my head. Then sometimes, I say F It..."

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Still Happy Too Though

The Voter informed me that he plays the guitar. He also said he'd teach me. Hmm... I'm still thinking I should keep my distance. I don't want to ruin him haha.

I got my HW finished. Good grades on the quizzes.

Going to see Obama in January- yes, I got tickets to the inauguration. No, I won't be watching it on TV. lol

New hair-do has been decided.

I've decided to stop being so accommodating to certain situations. Yes, that means to you, sorry :-)

I have been following God more and more, and, although paved with pain, the road has been beautiful... I Love you Lord. Thank you for blessing me in times when I deserve nothing...

Friday, November 7, 2008

Thursday, November 6, 2008

The Other & Her Valley That I Almost Got Stuck In


A good friend pointed out a few interesting things about the character of Ms. *.*.* . I mean already knew she had minimal self respect but when a grown man pointed it out to me, It just became more real.

What kind of woman stays with, or rather attempts to stay with, a man who...I'll leave that one blank for the sake of maintaining privacy.

What kind of woman stays with a man when she knows she's being cheated on?
She told me herself she knew (and not just about me), and yet, she stayed. lol it's just nuts- avoidable heartbreak and instead she dives head first in.

His answer, at first, sounded harsh, but I completely agree with him, now that I've pondered it. His answer is:

A Pathetic One. Now normally I'd laugh after this, but it's a serious matter. What if there are more and more black women out there like her- women willing to share a man?!? Women willing to have that man in their life in any possible capacity, no matter how detrimental it is for them. It sickens me. I figured that perhaps I was wrong in having a problem with him talking to her. But a MAN provided me with confirmation that I wasn't. He wondered what kind of woman *.*.* must be to not have a problem with it? Pathetic, Horny, Lonely, Clingy or just Stupid? These are the adjectives he threw out. I don't agree with all of those adjectives, but I continued to listen to his perspective. He said that if this situation had occurred and he was the man involved he would want to drop her because he couldn't respect a woman that didn't respect herself. However, he also said, how stupid would he be to leave a woman who would accept any behaviour from him and just let it slide?

I chuckled as I mused over his statements and propositions. He was right. What man would let go of a woman that, not only enjoyed relations with other women, but also one that he could cheat on and go back to all the time? One that he knew would always be there with open arms.

He went on to note, however, that *.*.* was not yet a woman because she still doesn't know how to put herself in pain for a season so that she may be free for a lifetime. I couldn't disagree with him for the latter half- delay of self gratification is a major mark of maturity. My laughter ceased when he furthered to say that I nearly put myself on her level- that scared me. It truly did. The fact, the sheer thought, that I almost belittled myself for this man. It's one thing to forgive a mistake and be willing to move forward; it's another to not put any restraint on it. I told him one thing, after ALL he did, I only had 1 condition: Stop talking to her- a friendship with her is inappropriate. He couldn't even do that for me. Well, he did at first, but it didn't last (as previously mentioned, not even a week!). I need a man willing to suffer for me- especially when he has caused me much suffering and pain. I need a man willing to progress with ME into the future, not try and stick with sidelines from his past.

He is Not that man. He doesn't want to be.

I am still excited about the trip. I discovered I know more people out there than I thought. I am also excited because it will finally be closure. I'm the type of person that needs that.

What I've just said may sound austere, but honestly, I am praying for her. She's young and another man, just like him, could easily charm her into whatever situation. Though they both deny it, she is still pursuing him. I'm fine with that- I don't chase what's mines, it chases me. LoL, haughty I know, but I speak the truth- ask anyone.
Actually, I believe when 2 people are meant for each other, they naturally pursue each other. It should not be one sided.

In the words of Rachel, I wish her bluebirds in the spring to give her heart a song to sing. I wish her love. I wish her blessings. No malicious feelings here.
Maybe she and I can become friends, and perhaps we can learn from each other.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Great Lyrics


For Just one second I felt whole, as you flew right through me...



It's Spreading

The sadness is spreading to my eyes. He can see it

I smile, with that facade I've developed so well

"I'm fine. This varying weather is what has my immune system going hay-wire." I laugh my most pseudo-real giggle.

He looks at me and he sees it. I am hoping he keeps my secret, but it flows through his lips as if some sort of suction is forcing the words out.

"I think you got sick because you're so sad." How does he know that? He barely knows me. Why can his eyes see past my pupils and bear into my soul?

Hm... now some might be confused, I am Not enraptured with this man. I am just wondering why, suddenly, my sadness is not able to remain inconspicuous.

It's spreading to my eyes...

The Voter

He's Sweet, Tall, an ex-ball player (lol so typical for me). He's back in school but already has a degree. Gorgeous eyes, hair. Smooth skin. Intelligent and funny... Clever? Not sure yet.

He has Baggage. I wonder if his...

I am no good for him right now. I am not the type to ask people to wait because I'm impatient myself. I need time to heal from my own situation, then I will be happy to extend my heart to another. Right now, it's unavailable.

I think he's a "we" man though. I mentioned marriage and children AND a time limit just to scare him off, and he didn't get scared! He said, "I'll help you out with that."

Lol I smiled, but kept my girlish giggle to myself. He was attempting to charm me and, thanks to recent situations, It was avoided. It simply flipped on a switch in my mind. I'm no rookie in this game, just had to regain my footing. Those eyes might get me though, I'm a sucker for intense pretty eyes.

Maybe he really is "innocent" we'll see. The issue, however, is that I was always did prefer dirty boys. Half the fun is in cleaning them up :-P

Swirling Thoughts

It has gotten worse! I feel like I could pass out, and it would be sweet relief from what I've been experiencing.

I talked to him yet again today, via the telephone. That makes 3 days in a row lol. No charming. Just laughs. hmm...

She has been behaving oddly. I wonder what's got miss *.*.* so out of sorts? A little birdie told me that she might just be a tad jealous. Ask me if I care? Nope. Besides, what would she possibly be jealous of- he's in a totally different country it's not like either of us sees him. I will continue to treat her respectfully as long as she continues to do the same.

I need a massage according to a friend. Perhaps I'll work on getting one.

This new person I met has baggage....

Yuck

Okay, I definitely feel like crap today. Though I am still quite excited over Obama's win, I can't help but to notice the pulsing sinus headache (which includes not just my head, but my face as well). Or my stuffy and yet runny nose. Or my lack of energy, despite sleeping nearly all night. Or that queasy feeling in my stomach.


I'm no going to the doctor yet though...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

It's Official- President Barack Obama

Speechless

Stunned

Crying

Ecstatic

Proud

Astonished

Obama has won. Will be sworn in January.

This is a movement. Change has occurred. My children will read about this...

Dr. King's dream is being realized, and I am alive to see it. Thank you God, protect the Obama family and thank you for blessing him with victory tonight...

Rosa Parks gave up that seat and the reason is blaring at me through the television.

Barack is officially the 44th President. Pictures to come...'''

338 to 155 electoral votes as of now... Yes We Can

Anxious, Excited... Sick




I have so many emotions swirling and mixing right now. I can barely even write this. While feverishly watching CNN, so many thoughts are going through my mind. The projected wins are being played at the bottom of the screen. Looks like Ohio made the best decision lol. If McCain wins, grad school overseas will be my only option. I want to go with friends to watch the results, but I feel sick- physically sick. I believe I might be coming down with a cold. My first of the season. As long as it's gone by December 17, I don't care. I am ready for a change. I believe that Obama's presidency would not only change America but change the African-American culture as a whole. Black men would have an admirable male figure to look up to. Barack & Michelle are the perfect power couple. The nuclear black family could return- the idea of having a "baby mama" could possibly be extricated from being one of our norms. Barack has a strong sense of family and that could be just the catalyst we need- a wonderful example of what a marriage in God can be like. His influence just by running in this election is palpable at least. Young black people, that I have never before seen interested in politics, know what the issues are and know where Obama stands on them. He has induced a sense of passion and urgency in them- aroused what was once jaded. Minds that were one manacled by words like "Can't" are now free to imagine possibilities- what can be more beautiful than that, the ability to fantasize...

Many years ago Franklin P. Adams stated, "Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody." I feel like he has been proved wrong in this current election. Of course, many black people are voting against McCain, but I truly believe they are more so voting FOR Obama. People like him, they appreciate what he represents in life, not just politically.

More to come...

Flip It On The Womanizer

1. Never give him your heart.

2. When he says "we," he doesn't mean you and him. He means himself... and his ****!

3. Don't let him tell you that he's okay with his friend's hitting on you because "it tests you." If a man cares about you, he should expect his friends to respect you two's relationship. You are not a tool with which he can flex his pride when (or if lol) you reject his friends.

4. Have sex, Do Not make love with him. His feelings are never as deeply invested as yours might be.

5. Don't confuse a full night with him as romance- his other girl was probably just busy that night.

6. At dinner make sure to offer to pay and pull your card out. That way he knows he's not playing with a rookie. You're no groupie. You don't need his money.

More to come... must study now...

Snough

A combination of a cough and a sneeze. Not to be confused with a cawn or a snawn. lol J, you are hilarious.

I Have Officially Voted!!


I voted and it felt lovely. Surprising even myself, I teared up a bit as I reviewed the candidates and blackened the box next to Barack Obama's name. This entire election is so dynamically life-changing. The fact that a Black Man has even made it as a MAJOR candidate in America is an amazing feat in and of itself. Through all of the struggles, we've made it. I am sad to admit that before December, 2007. I had not had that much pride in this African half of my heritage. So many flaws I was pointing out. Oh I respected Us, I loved us, but pride? That was an entirely different issue for me. Lately, so much negative within our race had been occurring that that's all I was focusing on. I am so proud that we have made it this far. I am proud to have the multi-shaded skin that covers me (lol inside joke to ALL of my friends). I pray for our society as a people. That we continue to progress and not regress. That we preserve our culture and not continue to corrupt it.

I am smiling to myself, watching CNN neurotically and eating a carrot Stick.

OBAMA FOR CHANGE!!!

History In The Making

This election is emotional. It is powerful. I am a history-maker. It might be my one vote that changes the world and I love that. I will tell my children that I voted for the first ever black president, Barack Obama.

Lol

Can't you see I'm busy?! These cleaning products are filthy!

Monday, November 3, 2008

You're Average- Get Over It



I love to wear stilettos. I love to wear thigh high lace nylons for no reason at all. I love lip gloss, although I choose to almost never wear make up (it's limited to eye shadow occasionally). Yes, the color pink and I have a love/hate relationship. Being a woman that absolutely loves to feel sexy and look pretty (by my own definition), I find it hilarious when a woman feels like she's "low maintenance" or "not average" simply because she chooses to rock sneakers and sweats instead of skinny jeans and pumps... And do note that I said "not average", not "above average." They feel that because they spend their money on Nikes and Timberlands that they are some special breed that can relate to the male species in a way that us "pink-lovers" simply cannot. I say, it's your prerogative what you choose to wear but please please please, do NOT think yourself as the opposite of average- because FYI, there are a ton of girls out there JUST..LIKE..YOU. Tom boys have been around forever, so get over yourself (please and thank you lol). Even if you don't consider yourself to be a tomboy, at least admit that there are THOUSANDS, MILLIONS, of women that rock sneakers, and rock them well I might add.

LoL. The same way I am not a deviation from average just because I choose to wear high heels and mac gloss. It's funny to me that these women, by trying not to fall into what they consider to be the "norm," have simply placed themselves into a different category of "normalcy". As far as being high maintenance, last time I checked, great sneakers weren't cheap- you're $50-$85 sneakers are no better than my $50 to $85 pumps/flats. You're $100+ pair of timbs is no better than my Winter season 09' Aldo's moccasin boots. We are just two different categories of women- not a deviation from the status quo.

HOWEVER- and this is a huge however- The way you rock your boots or pumps CAN excise you from the "I follow the rules" category. Your steelo, your vibe, your "You" is what makes you a deviation from what is average.

I'm not hating, just speaking my mind. I'm just tired of hearing females that love to rock sneakers and hate the color pink pride themselves on being so "not average." And in my opinion, a real woman can represent versatility. The same way I can be sexy in those Black leather Jimmy Choos, I can wear my Nikes or Ed Hardy's and be just as confident. As Jay would say, your "swag" is what changes the category you fall into or whether you fall into a category at all. Be your most confident and attractive self no matter what color or style of shoe you're rocking.

I'm iLLie....

The Symptoms:

An extremely sore throat

A semi-broken heart

Hot flashes

Fatigue

Yet Lack of Sleep

Occassional sneezing


Fever? Didn't bother to check

What do you think is causing more problems? Some would say the heart, however, my throat is the worst right now

Medications ingested? Riccola lemon mint drops; Vicks Vapor rub has been...rubbed


Swollen glands? Nil

Any ideas?...

Free Flow

I Love hearing Obama speak and the rally was everything that it should have been expectations were exceeded.


The hair has grown MUCH in these stupid braids. Thank goodness I have great friends and sisters to assist in their removal lol.

I am tired but not. Perhaps it was the late nap.

Heard more good things about the Storm today...

Church was great. Exactly what I needed to hear.

Family time was wonderful as well

A cordial conversation occurred. Not sure about the ending though lol.

Did I already mention that Breakfast At Tiffany's is a "GREAT" movie?

Diamonds are a girl's bestfriend is stuck in my head. But I do sing it ever so well. lol.

I am going home next weekend...

Haha @ the various synonyms for the word great :-)

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Saturday, November 1, 2008

It's Time

I am kissing broken bridges and blowing them away. If they were meant to be, they will rebuild themselves. Perchance, one day, a path in my life will lead me to one, and the bridge(s) will become reintegrated into my life. Or perhaps, they're gone forever. Never meant for me to utilize in the first place.

Parting is such sweet sweet sorrow.


"Instead of kneeling in the sand, catching teardrops in my hand. My heart is drenched in wine. You'll be on my mind forever..."

Friday, October 31, 2008

Beauty In the Breakdown

Tears are to be cherished...

Is what I want to be...

is loved by me, myself and I...

need closure to this problem...

is that he wants it all...

falls down at some point...

tears must come because...

There's beauty.in.breaking.down and

in.letting.go.

"Not Only Slowing But Shrinking"

Recently, In was perusing through the paper, when I realized that I had not even paid attention to the front headline. Upon reading, I discovered that not only are the politicos officially admitting to that we are in a decline, they now think the economy is actually shrinking! Now, that is something that fluttered through my mind within the past month, but I never imagined it would actually be announced. According to the NY Times, consumer spending has significantly dipped for the first time in 17 years. The Enquirer says two more quarters of shrinkage = RECESSION.

Astonishing as this sounds are we surprised? Honestly, I can barely tell the difference between middle class and lower class these days. Government funding for education is at an all time low, thus both classes of people are struggling to pay those tuition bills. What does this say for our children, our future? America has an infrastructure such that higher education is necessary to acquire a well paying job. Unless, you are part of that "Good Ol' boy" club, wherein you are set for life by default. As for us "normal" folk, we still have to work our way up the career ladder- whatever path that may be. I must admit, it makes me weary. If the average American has no access to college, no access to funds, how will the successive generations have a chance to flourish?

I hope with a new presidential cabinet will come better financial choices and some type of long term solution to this problem...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Reality Checkpoint

I'm not sick, nah. My head is always on firmly.


But I'm not well. Perhaps it's turned just a hair too far to the left, I don't know but something is wrong.

The thoughts are abnormal. Serious Disturbia. Hmm... I think I'll call you know who for a late night Wal-Mart run. I need to release some stress. I need to laugh, and I need to be overwhelmed by the aisles of goodies at Wal-Mart lol.

Okay Okay!

Tone it down people, I am NOT in love. That was not my point. I was meerly expressing what a possible and cute outcome of this situation could be. lol

Carrie and Big = * & I

I think perhaps I must make the decision Carrie Made. Leave him alone- totally. After the trip that is.

We'll let each other go (or so we'll think), but We'll never forget

He'll marry her or some other sub par bimbo and I will hear about it. Lol. I will cry, my friends will comfort me. He and I will see each other again, and for one awkward moment we'll both remember "they way we were." As our eyes lock, both of our spouses, mates, significant others or whatever will return from the bathroom or the valet service and smile that knowing smile: "so you're him/her..."

LoL Then he'll split with her. He'll reach out to me. I'll be with my endearing boyfriend still, but resisting will be hard. I'll slip into old habits (some die hard some never die at all). My fiance will leave me, and I'll think I have * to run to. Au Contraire, he'll break me down again. He and his wife will reconcile.

I will be heartbroken, not only because he failed me again, but because I failed someone too (my fiance who I cheated on for a man who didn't truly love me...yet).

Sounds insane, but we will meet again. Oh no, us meeting will not be insane, the fact that I will fall into old habits and expect different results is what will be insane.

In the end though, we will realize that we were meant for each other and no one else can fulfill what we fulfilled with each other. We may be the marrying kind and we might not- it doesn't matter to us as long as we're together.

Lol cute huh?

See here's the problem with my little extrapolated saga: The girl that he will most likely realize he can't be without, regardless of their status is *.*.*. I would probably be the wonderful wife (aka Natasha lol) that's getting cheated on and played. *.*.* will be the woman he falls for time and time again.

Ha what a beautiful little nightmare...

True Blood- Irony

"My Brother's a dog. He's all smiles and charms in the beginning...You seem like a sweet girl, I don't want you get to hurt."

"You know, I don't think Jason's realized even half of what he's going to be. I wouldn't be so quick to judge- you might be surprised at what he's capable of..."


I got a dose of irony this morning... And here it is again this afternoon right on HBO


Once again I plea, someone save me from myself so I can heal. Please.

Poison: Let Her Drink It

The man is toxic for me...My stomach is churning thinking about him and the words he chooses to say actually the words he chooses not say. A headache is sure to follow. Why can't this man, after I've poured my heart out to him, pour at least 1/4 of his out to me? Why does he continue to relish in my unhappiness?

I'm sick of this, literally, but I know how to fix it

My Choice: *.*.* Take him. Keep him... away from me in all shapes and forms. *, Downgrade all you want just please leave me out of it...Don't make a choice baby, I'll choose for you- I'm good at that.

He doesn't get it and never will. Of all that I wrote for him to read on here, He missed every single important point. He addressed nothing. After all he's done, he stuck to what was safe for him, totally disregarding what I needed to hear him say. My feelings mean as much to him as hers (probably less), and I cannot handle that- why should I have to compete with anyone?(I am so tempted to post a comparison photo from all angles LoL) I won't compete with what I've already beaten- and there in lies the problem. The choice for him was clear and he made it- *.*.*. The ball is in my court and I've chosen to pick it up and go home. I am not staying in this game. I played hard when I didn't need to. I tossed him the ball for the alley oop in the last 2 seconds, but he decided the cheerleader (*.*.*) was too much distraction. What else can I do but go home, defeated?

Take his pipe, his words, his touches, everything about him that charmed and endeared me. Please erase my photographic memory for your sake and mines as well.

This trip might just be the end, I'm certain. The end of a twisted chapter that I hope I will only re-read in laughter while I sit with my husband and think about how I almost sacrificed it all for one who was willing to give up nothing for me. Am I not worth at least something to him? It hurts me to say that, I mean actual pain. No really, please feel me on this, ACTUAL PAIN. I got short of breath and lightheaded when I came to this conclusion- that I must let him go. What hurts more is that he doesn't care. Why doesn't he care? because he has her (*.*.*). Scratch that, he cares about me- he just happens to care about her as well. He'd be physically sick if he stopped talking to me, yet he's willing to sacrifice that. I can't try to keep something that doesn't want to be kept. I'll let her handle that from now on.

He can't stand to not talk to her because they are such good "friends". LoLs! cracks me up every time I replay the words- In that not funny sort of way. In that seriously "are you joking?" sort of way. I would share with her just how fond of her he really is, but I think I'll let her be "surprised" when she raises enough of her money to go and see him (or perhaps he'll pay for his precious one to come and continue whats been on his mind anyway) lol. She's one of those, "He-must-love-me-because-he-chose-me-over-her- girls," One of those types that will feel special just because he still talks to her, not realizing that she's only hurting herself with those glimmers of hope.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

BitterSweet Joy Goes Down So Hard

Well, I was so excited before. I still am. However, I just reminded myself that this trip could mean the end... Will we stay friends? Not sure, honestly not sure. Can I even take two weeks of it? Don't really have a choice. On the flipside, this could mean the beginning of an end of some type of inorganic friendship. Forced? yes. Awkward? yes. I just don't know. It kills me that he acts like nothings happened but then again he does.

"So you aren't excited anymore?"

Then on the same hand, he wants to joke with me as if we're friends. At this point, we are not friends. More like strangers that just happened to share a chapter in a book. A corrupted chapter at that. I don't even know if he knows me really, and I obviously don't know him...

I can hear his name without tears, should I leave it at that and just pretend I never met him after this trip? I guess only time will tell... But anyway, less than 2 months now! I suppose I will have to wait until then to find out, unless the morning's conversation is some magical statement that I (or she) has never heard before.

I highly doubt that ladder statement...

OH----EM---GEEEEE!!!

Lord, you have blessed me so, and I love you for that!

I conversed and really kicked it with "The Other"! She is not only funny and sweet, but did I mention we laugh at things together? Ha!! First the great convo last night and now this! We actually have some inside jokes now (IE. our shade from that "palm tree" and my: I think I ate and laughted too early." ) Lol

Also, my official SK itinerary came in now! I cannot wait!! I am taking a picture of EVERYTHING!

YAYYYY

The Almost Perfect Guy...

OMG he's ever so interested in everything!! He can't stand to hear me in pain. Never wants anyone to be rude to me (Snoop Dog- Beautiful ring any bells?). Won't let me be lazy. Constantly reminds me of all my goals, and offers to help me reach them (ha inside 1). LoL. He loves when I look good but never minds seeing me in my WG outfit and thinks I have that "sexy bedroom hair look" when I first wake up... lol. He loves it when I sing to him- which on purpose is rare really, normally I sing to myself and he overhears- but you all know I spit those lyrics off the daily (yeaaaa son! lol).

I hate to see him sad. His words can change my mood- never negative though; whenever I'm sad, he knows how to turn my frown upside down (lol corny I know). I love to see him flourishing in prosperity, and I love that we both love the Lord.

Yes, he sounds like my man right? Nope, a great friend. Irreplaceable even. He's better than strawberry-topped cheese cake and bubble baths on a rainy day- well maybe just the cheesecake haha.

Why isn't he my man you ask? Well It's simple, when he was ready, I wasn't. He's a bit older than me (No, N***, not that old, I'm a somewhat past that phase now lol), and I just couldn't handle it at the age that I was- too busy promo modeling and city hopping.

He's actually a little mad at me right now. He says, "How could you let him hurt you like that? You're so much better than that!!" My response: I live and I learn- I admit, it's a lesson I'd rather have never had to experience first hand, but I have now. All I can do is cherish what's left of me and let the rest flow as it will...

She Says She Loves It....

Lol... so gay. but this woman, this female... she says she likes the way I do me. When she thinks of my name, her eyes get starry and hollywood pops in her head?!

Lol she must know the old me- I am no longer young fly and flashy. Perhaps fly, but not young and flashy. No more Chanel bangles, mixed with Louis belts and purses. Too old for all that. I am a boring neuro-science student now haha. I know nothing of parties and flashing lights anymore- left all that behind...

Now why she decided to share what with me, I'm not certain. Her goal is jah blowing me. hmm...



But Fudge Man.. here it comes, round midnight. I'm reminded...

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Old Habits Die Hard- #1...

Younnngggiiinnnn'!!! So funny, those "candy kisses" !!! Some people were just meant to be stuck in a static phase- teasing constantly never crossing the line... LoL... I win this time though..


Don't test me, play boi, I'm one of the best at this game- I play to win, and I have a rock of moves, not so far up my sleeve, to accomplish that goal....

"The Other" is No Longer So Foreign...

A wonderful conversation with *.*.* today, made me feel totally guilty about the previous conversation with *. Yes, my opinions on her and he will probably never change, but I do see that there is a bit more to her than what people talk about, than what she is known for. I enjoyed the conversation- not only long but genuine. No, I don't think she and I are on the same level, but it is not my job to judge her. If * wasn't so interested in her, I probably wouldn't even care about her infamous flaws. She's sweet and we laugh at the same thing at times.
Crazy crazy crazy.... These emotions of mine. It is not her fault- I keep reciting this to myself, so that I can separate her from the situation...

It's hard.

Lord, grace me with forgiveness and peace on this issue...

To Tat or Not to Tat, That is The ?

I really think I want a tattoo... but of what. I actually want two. One small one right near my ***** and one around my hips or up my side. I am, admittedly, a bit scared of the sensation, but I hear that you get used to it. Besides, certain pain gives me a rush. The major hindrance is, surprisingly, that one Bible verse:

Leviticus 19:28 – “Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.”

Should I take this verse literally? Or, is this symbolism for something else? I really could use some advice on this. However, many of my friends have tattoos,s o would they be good sources? hmm...

In the mean time I'll have my friend give me Henna tats in both places lol :-)

Once Upon A Time

The world was sweeter than we knew. Especially the Jay McShann version.

You never know what you have until it's long gone, past getting it back. Not me this time. I always know what I have when I have it :-)

Monday, October 27, 2008

Grape Fizzy Please

Craving some grape soda for some reason. Ooo, grape soda and violets- what a combination.
He just made me smile. Lol, I don't think he's ever calmed me down 3 times in one message. He brought east coast in me, out. I try to keep her hidden, and I used to do a beautiful job at it. but lately she emerges through my barrier more and more easily. Oh yes, you know who- *. She belongs in a bedroom if there, she's far too b*tchy and attituded to be just out on the loose all of the time.

The other made me smile as well. He knows exactly what to say.. luckily I know exactly how to respond. I appreciate his attempts- sort of a needed boost at times, but I just can't. Too much baggage. Too much...everything. You know, even good things are bad in excess.

The library provided some much needed solitude. Ha, someone told me I looked cute in my WG fit. LOL! He knows he was lying and so was his cosigning friend. I even had on the scarf to complete it this time. Picture it: tan snow boots, tan cap, pink Victoria's secret sweats and a tan scarf. Plaid pea coat. Yes, it was nuts, but I needed to study (and vent frustrations apparently), and I did not feel like getting dressed just for this.

All That's Left is Shadows...

And empty shell casings. In the words of N.E.R.D, A nightmare devoured my dreams. Sooner or later, I guess it does all come crashing down. And yes everyone is around. I can't look sad without someone bothering me. They circle around me, my emotions enduce a heat field about me. The predators with their fangs, their heat-sensing ability, they rush at me. Some smiling, some sneering, all with a common motive though- they are all hungry... They all want to feed. The girls, most of them just want gossip, hell most of them want him too lol. They run up to me like "girl, I just saw **** and she is not cute!; She was just a f*@* to him don't worry about it (Ha little do they know she was and is so much more ha)! Or Girl, he is not worth it you can do so much better!" I turn to them perplexed: I'm actually not smiling because its 8am, and I have an Organic chemistry class to attend- wouldn't that piss you off too? sheesh. The men, they are another breed. I see that look, it's an intrinsic glint a certain type all have in their eye- that "if-you-wanted-to-screw-me-right-here-and-now-I-would-go" look. I take note of that look and stay away yet keep one in my back pocket. He'll tell me about the others not knowing that he's also dispelling info on himself. Lol, I'm a clever clever little thing..

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Windy Memories of Obamas, Ha...

Amy Winehouse was right. Around midnight those memories bombard my mind. I need relief from him. It's there but I don't want it. It's almost as if he's become intrinsically bound to my inner most thoughts. I would say extrinsic, but he has been assimilated. I wonder if he remembered to say happy sweetest day to his sister? I don't celebrate it but he is an Ohioan.

Lol @ remembering our "Michelle and Barack" conversation in the parking lot. "I could be like Michelle. I bet she remembers his schedule for him. I'm always remembering things for you." He laughs and agrees- he knows he's forgetful at times.

It will sound crazy with the way he's treated me, but I see an "Obama" in him. No no, not necessarily the President (well maybe), but a great man. A wonderfully accomplished, God-fearing man. I see a leader, internationally known. I see a father that his sons will look up to and his daughters will want their husbands to emulate.

I recognize an above average character. Yes he committed a typical male "crime," but I won't even fade myself into thinking that he's simply normal. He can't be, because he won my heart. No other man can say that really.
Yes yes, The Ex, the "Boxer" has some of my heart, but in a different sense. We have a nearly ten year relationship- friendship- built with each other. I will always have a spot for him; but, truth be told, after all those years, he doesn't know the parts of me that "my man" should know. I could never reach that level of intimacy with him. But *, he and I connect on so many levels. Not only my heart, but he captivated my mind. The Ex never had such privilege into my depths. I tried to reach his to no avail most times... Hopefully he'll grow up some day and make some woman a proud wife. If not, at the very least, he'll be great eye candy though ;-).

Honestly, it's not even his looks (though sexy he is, those thighs- so manly oommmgggg lol) that turned me on. It was/is his mind. I connected with his mind so sharply that it sent that ever so familiar tantalizing tingle straight to my ****. I'm used to men being intimidated by my own rather wide expanse of knowledge and poise. When I told * I was studying to be a doctor, instead of the usual "wow," or "oh so you're one of those smart chicks" responses, he said "People would be proud if we got together, me a lawyer or politician and you a doctor."

Tell me That Isn't Michelle and Barack all day!!! LoL...

The laughter ceases when I am cruelly reminded that he doesn't want any of that with me anymore... I'd shed a tear but my eyes are far too dry from writing this stupid Organic protocol :-(. D@*n these tear-snatching diethyl ethers and aminobenzoates!!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

2 Glasses of Wine Later...

Lol the lyrics to I'm not a whore anymore inspired by *.*.* and sung by my sister is hilarious!!! I want to sing it to *.*.* to let her know that life can be refreshed for her still hahaha!!

2 glasses of wine and one piece of french toast later, I say to myself, hmmm.... I wonder what he's doing... Does he think about me as much as he drifts through my mind?? Probably not. He's a busy man. Then again, I'm fairly busy for a woman my age as well but he still manages to find space.

Another piece of french toast and one scrambled egg later, one sip of wine later... LoL at my ex texting me. Wants to know if we can go play pool. Nope nope, not doing that to myself again. Great abs though ha.

2 pieces of turkey bacon later... so what am I doing tonight??? Naming Bicycloalkenes, calculating Gibb's free energy you say? Yep, I say. so no fraternizing allowed. Thank you Lord for making all of this Organic finally click. Don't tell anyone but... <:whispering:> I actually like it :-)

Man I was pretty hungry ha.

Reading Politico, Chocolate Milk Saturdays

Oh my my my what a sad day in the stock market, both US and internationally. As I read of their plummets and of panic setting in (Politico is a wonderful paper), I smile... The end of days, and I still don't have my ish together. Now, this was not a "hahaha lol teeheehee" smile. More of a, I-have-had-so-many-years-to-get-it-together-what-else-can-I-do-but-smile-at-my-own-fallacies smile. I will though. I am working diligently to change the outcome of things. However, going along with game theory, in some situations, I have been making the best decision for that situation, not necessarily the best decision in general.

I need a drink. Or maybe not, taking the edge off would be great, but I am also studying for Organic Chemistry. Can't name bicycloalkanes and be drunk at the same time. So I opt for a tall glass of chocolate milk instead. After the first sip, a cold drop drips down my chin. I look in the mirror and before I wipe it off- "Got Milk" pops into my head. "Snap!" Had to savour the moment.I suppose I shall return to my Politico now- This "Powell Dropping a Hammer on McCain" story is actually quite intriguing.

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Battle Of Bold or Stormy LoL




Okay, people don't have time to post all of this but I need help in.... The Battle of The BlackBerrys!!! Should I purchase the Storm or the Bold???




Thursday, October 23, 2008

Um, Hello?

What a great meeting today. I am so happy! She is down to earth, funny, candid and sincere. I love it! I am very pleased and honored to be working with her.

So, no change. It really doesn't seem to bother him that he barely talks to me anymore. I mean when he does send that rare, open communication message, it is somewhat sweet. But also somewhat generic. We talk about the upcoming travel plans and that's it.

Can he not tell that I am in pain? Or does he notice and not care?

Maybe it was all an illusion....

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

All It Takes...

So, today was not a rough one. I can't say that I am getting used to us not conversing. lol, am I surprised? I shared many laughs today though- Thank God for blessing me with joy. Took an OCHEM quiz that I really should have studied harder for, but I also had genetics, psych stats, and my patients to deal with.

"Paging Dr. Evans...." That's all I want to hear. I can't wait till that day comes (along with the white lab coat and tiny red Prada dress :-P). It will let me know that all of this was so worth it.

R.I.P Uncle Harry. The funeral was today... He always believed in me. I will cry for you... I will miss you... and I will progress.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Un Poema Espontáneo Para Mi Padre

When I think of my father I see… The free flowing waves of smooth jazz in vivid blue and grey hues. I see white, yellow and purple intertwined in a symphony that only Miles Davis could conduct. I see imported beer being casually sipped. The flavor mixing with the after taste of olives and grilled chicken. I see a man when I think of my father.
A stimulating hue of light brown and red, vibing to whatever he wants. Free of any care, or so it seems. Behind those dark shades could perhaps lie troubled eyes, a troubled soul. A never broken spirit exudes from his hugs. That smile. Beautifully flawed in all the right places. I don’t know what I’d do without this image.

Not perfect, but perfectly imperfect. When I think of my father, I see… Off-white linen shorts with a matching shirt. Small gold chain that says, yes, I have it all. I See a watch for every outfit, wonderfully selected to get him wherever he needs to be, 20 minutes late. Naïve as to why everyone is giving him “the look” when he reaches his destination.

I see a nonchalant aura of sea green and peach dancing around his head. Hiding the red and black that attempts to bubble to the surface. He stares at his children with visible pride. That son of his gets to him; thank God his daughters provide sweet kisses to dull that nagging sense of “it’s never enough.” When I think of my father, I envision a man.

The Ex...

Ha, now this will be a twist from the typical ombabulating around the "new man," that I have been consumed with. Those who know me, know the one. The appellation, "Boyfriend" was so foreign and just impossible for him lol. Well, he's calling again, and honestly I'm lost as to why? I mean yes, if he's on fire, I'll wet him (tee hee hee :-)). No really, he can get something if he truly needs it, but all the calls are a No Go. Matter fact, switch that, he has a green light to keep it moving. I'm not sure what he wants, but I don't even need the stress right now.

Case and Point:
I am dealing with a lot right now from the current situation.
I had been cogitating over whether to e-mail him (I miss talking to him so much) or to continue not speaking to him (I am pissed with him beyond belief).

Suddenly, I get a message (usually at this hour, it's him)... My stomach turned, but I cracked a half smile. I got "angry butterflies" so to speak :-)

It wasn't him... it was "The Ex": Hey Honey, I just saw a pic of u girl. you always were the prettiest one.

W-T-F!!! F = a very hard FUDGE LoL. I always was the "prettiest one????!!!" Out of how many you jerk?! lol
I smiled, like "aww he thinks I look nice," but the grimace followed soon because I don't need this $#*!. I don't need him bringing up old memories- whether they be good or bad. He and I are so over that, in the words of Ms. Bradshaw (or should I say Mrs. Big lol), "We need a new word for over!"

Thus, aside from squabbling with myself over my current situation, I was left to think about what his butt could possibly want and why he thinks calling twice in a row each day will get the job done?

Monday, October 20, 2008

Happiness is A Choice

I am tired.... exhausted...behind....broken-hearted.... and yet- today I laughed. I smiled without remorse. Without feeling like I was betraying my feelings. I enjoyed a spirited conversation with new and old friends about what exactly Talking "white" and talking "black" was. Lol. will post more about it shortly. I need to get some HW done right now..

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Count Down Begins

I suppose I have a soft firm date to never never land now... Yea quite oxymoronic but whatever. It's amazing how men can really just miss it. As well as you think or they think they know you, they simply don't. You know, my BFF's and I, both male and female, can read each other's attitudes. All it takes is for my male one to shoot me one e-mail/text, and I respond with one word or a swift "it's okay," and he just knows that something isn't right. Of course, all of my female friends and I share this connection, but that might just be a "thing" between women. Perhaps men do know it and choose to ignore it- which is obviously worse.


I suppose, on a lighter note, I need to buy some cute flats...

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Taylor Swift- Fearless. Loving It


As you all know (because so far only those closest to me keep up with is), I L-O-V-E Taylor Swift!!! She is a great song writer and singer. She is also wonderful on that guitar of hers. Well, her new album is no exception. "Love Story" is such a great idea for a love song. Unique and fresh, but at the same time, because of the underlying story- classic.
Give the CD a listen. Even if you don't like country, it may attract the pop lover in you!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Hello, My Name is Honey and I...am...a CrackBerry

I am ultra addicted to my new phone. I pick it up to check for messages (which I always have) constantly. I have sometimes long and asinine conversations on my Black Berry messenger; and I wouldn't have it any other way. I get tons of calls and try to only let a few slip to voice mail. And, even still, only to see my voicemail icon pop up. LOL. I can't wait to leave the country and use all the gadgets on it. It's really sad actually. Speciously drawing me in with all its features, I have ignored many a face-to-face convos with B-list friends to play Brick Breaker on my phone. Is it just me, am I the only one? I say no, the link below from Forbes shows that many people have become "connection junkies" in today's society. That makes me smile. Perhaps not only misery, but addiction also loves company :-)


http://www.forbes.com/2008/06/15/cellphone-addiction-iphone-tech-wireless08-cx_wt_0616addict_slide_14.html?thisSpeed=30000

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

My Babies...Yet Again


Aren't they so cute? They got in the bed together last time I was visiting.

A New Band Added to the Favorites: Flyleaf

I LOVE this band!! Sorrow, I'm Sorry, So I Thought and All Around Me are my favorites! I don't have time to type a whole review at this time but you should definitely check them out.

Monday, July 14, 2008

She May Be Young But What A Wonderful Voice

I actually first heard her sing on her now finished sitcom, "Still Standing," and I've been a fan since. How talented and cultured she must be to belt out the smooth and spicy jazz tunes of the "good ol' days." Perhaps we finally have found a new little Ella Fitz. to satisfy our hunger for the music you here in a Louisiana lounge while sipping on a glass of too sweet lemonade. :-)

The CD I have pictured above is not the most recent one (it was released in 2004), but does happen to be my favorite. With tracks like Summertime, A Love That Will Last and Someone to Watch Over Me, this CD is sure to attract even a skeptical jazz lover. I also think that a fan of Norah Jones would like the CD as well, but that's just my opinion (and yes, I love Norah Jones).

Friday, July 11, 2008

Food For Thought

"There are no chaste minds. Minds copulate wherever they meet."

-Eric Hoffer (author).

This struck me for some reason. Our pervious minds do tend to be little whores if you think about it. Getting (and exchanging) knowledge from the first smart person we cross, lol, kidding. But on one hand not, we are constantly soaking up information from anyone and anywhere. Do people exercise "safe sex" when it comes to thoughts and info? Perhaps not for those gullible naive people. I, however, like to consider myself to be selective :-)

Thursday, July 10, 2008

You Make Me Happy...

Praising God this morning. I started my day with much prayer and intercession, and I really do just feel filled with a joy and sort of peace that only He can give. Thank you Lord for blessing me with this great attitude today! Now lets just hope that I manage to keep it that way :-)


Work was awesome yesterday, as we had Kaleidoscope day- a day where many cultures get together to eat, dance and enjoy life! Famous Dave's and Big Daddies served up ribs, fish and chicken- and no, I did not partake of the "cook-out" food, but I did have a small dish of orange chicken and vegetables with rice. A Scottish man blew his bag pipes, a band rocked out and this wonderfully-in-shape woman danced on stage, get this: While hula-hooping! It was pretty fun.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

So Yea...Scratch That Last Post

Ha, I am still a female after all! lol. I am asking that my last post be disregarded. I do still have that weak feminine quality of overestimating a romantic situation at times. Yes, we care for each other... a lot.. But that's all it is- just good friends or something of the sort? He still has his "toys" and I have mine. Though, I'd be lying if I said my attitude toward them hasn't changed. They are great, but I'm tired of having my roster full, I need something more constant. Not necessarily exclusive but, just that the affections we have for each other are just that- for each other. I don't want to share the feelings with his other females or with any my male friends. This is growing to be a headache... Or maybe I just think too much and over analyze?

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Mesmerized

So, the commitment talk came about yesterday... I think I am happy with the results :-) Considering that I am one of those few women left that are scared of commitment (lol), and I am not actively chasing after the "M" word, what he said pleased me. However, I know there is another side to it. Whenever a man want all of the content of the word "girlfriend" but doesn't want to get anywhere near the label, it's a problem... I'm no fool. But I don't like titles either, so I can't complain...

I am just so used to having my roster of men filled- I mean Filled. Not in a sexual way (ewww) just with many different types: A baller (No really he plays in the NFL), a world traveller (lol he's so rude and spoiled), My island guy (Bermudian men ha), My suit and tie (so professional), my thug (ha "Soldier" is his theme song) and a few others...

This guy though, this man, he makes me want to drop them all, and I have basically. I mean yes, they still call, but the only person I want to spend time with, the only person I make time for, is him... Putting all my eggs in one basket?- so unlike me. Hopefully I don't end up with a basket full of empty shells in the end.

Pink flag...

Monday, July 7, 2008

My Little Sash Sash


You all know how I feel about my babies- I haven't put a pic up in a while, so here I am with sasha on a recent visit. She's like my little doll...

Saturday, July 5, 2008

And All That Jazz...


The late Enlgish writer, Aldous Huxley said: "After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible, is music."


I feel like David Benoit's music does this for me. I have yet to finish the whole album, but so far, I am really loving "Human Nature" and "Never Can Say Goodbye." These songs, though they have no words, perfectly represented more than a few emotions I have experienced over the past month. With nearly therapeutic melodies, there's bound to be something for everyone on this album- Give it a listen!

A Wonderful Fourth

All I can say is that was a first for me and I loved... What on Earth am I doing, allowing my emotions to become so invested...

Monday, June 30, 2008

DayDreaming......


Yea so, this pic is from last week, but it describes my day so far as well.
bored.random.work.?

Keep It Short & Sweet?

Heart Fluttering with butterflies filled
With the essence of my spirit and soul
Short Breaths, Shaking hands
Not a good vibe
My mind is disturbed by the utter of his name
What it all means, I'm not sure
But feeling this loss of control is
softly killing me.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Good News!

My outlook has changed! As was aforementioned, I really enjoy working with my boss- she's understanding and respectful. Despite how MANY people (who again shall remain nameless) told me I would be very bored and absolutely dread it, I am feeling differently about it now. The good new is that there is a health unit at my new office location! My boss has encouraged me to learn more about it, so I did and.... It was great! the nurse practioner on staff is very nice and was very informative. Helping out with some administrative work in there on occassion will prove valuable! I suppose God really does always work things out in the end. ;-)

Thursday, June 26, 2008

When People Have Affairs

Check This Out - Dirty Mrs. Jackson, cheating on her husband- it's no longer just an "affair" she's having. Apparently, there are Types lol. See if your dirty little secret falls into one of the categories.


http://www.aolhealth.com/healthy-living/relationships/reasons-for-your-affair?icid=100214839x1204665045x1200209343

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Pomeranian Prancer


Sasha's so cute, she loves to dance if you can't tell from the picture

Ledisi- Music For Your Spirit & Soul


Oh my my my... I cannot describe this Lady's talent with words! Her neo soul music takes me back to Love Jones circa 1997, sitting in a poetry cafe... body enhancing, deep red dress- knee length...my hair is free, the smell of floating smoke irritating my nose, but I don't even care, the artist on stage is so deep, I'm engrossed...Giving snaps to the woman who just gave her life to the mic. Ledisi's music is beautiful, rich. I love it! Her CD Lost and Found is a must have.

Marie Digby - Great!




I have loved the Marie Digby song they play out on the radio for a while now (Say It Again). So I decided to check out the rest of her songs a little bit ago, and....I LOVE THEM! She has a beautiful, fresh voice. I love the fact that she plays guitar too. hmmm... can you see lessons in my future? ;-)

Friday, June 20, 2008

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow





Well, this is it; the relocation occurs tomorrow and not a second too soon! I can't wait to get to D.C. and work- a familiar place is exactly what I need right now. I have been praying about the recently posted situation and I have not received an answer as of yet. I am not rushing God, but... lol well maybe a little ;-) I would really like to be clear on what I should I do. I have been asking Him for wisdom in this situation, and I really hope He blesses me with it.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Is It Worth It?

So, I'm laying here, half dazed, drifting sweetly...bitterly in an and out of a lazy haze. I'd love to be sleeping right now, but my mind is caught up. I am stuck pondering this person. this man. I am asking me, should I really put myself through this again? He's a great man but yet still a Man... potential for harm is high, and I don't want to end up having to sew my heart back together from tiny fragments, spread across my spirit. He's presenting himself to me as that not-so-average-better-than-average guy. However, God blessed me with a spirit of discernment and although I ignore it at times (lol), I can usually read people's books. When I can't, it normally means that God is trying to teach me a lesson that I forced Him to teach me the hard way (by not listening in other forms lol).
He has been hurt, he has a sordid past- he's also hurt others. I can tell this. I know he has issues with his family- No, he did not tell me, but it's in his eyes. The mother is the first woman a man learns to respect- it's hard for him to respect other women when there is an issue with this particular one. Okay, I may be "jumping the gun"- he has not expressed any of this to me, but this is what I feel is there. I feel like I could fall into those eyes of his, and find the truth in his spirit; not tame, but befriend his soul. I want to know the good and the bad about him. Yea yea I realize this is pointless rambling to most of you, but those that have been here know the feeling.... your thoughts are random, your mind is anxious, your heart is fragile. It's some harmonious mix between crazy and bliss lol. I'm logging off now.

By the way, grades are looking great, Despite that devilish chemistry final, I got a wonderful grade!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Finals Are Over!!

It feels good to say that my exams are over. It was a long quarter, and It will be good to be able to stop thinking about orbitals and velocity for a bit. I am hoping that my summer classes won't prove to be too challenging.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

在夏天 - 曹方 - 听好音乐 有好心情 | 好听音乐网

在夏天 - 曹方 - 听好音乐 有好心情 好听音乐网

Here is a link to In Summer by Cao Fang.

Loving Cao Fang


I'm sure many people have already checked her out, but I love Cao Fang's music. A sensual yet spicey mix of lyrics that will tease your tympanic membrane and arouse your senses. Her one song, Secret Gift, actually reminds me of a Sade song. Once I can figure out how to post it the song, I will. Another song of hers that I love is In Summer... Beautiful, serene...


Bermuda Heritage


I had to post the beautiful Bermuda flag.. The flag of my heritage, my mother's culture. What a Beautiful place. Anyone having the privilege to visit there should drink it in... it is intoxicating. My mother's side of the family originates here, and I could not be more proud....
Maybe this is why I embrace the U.K. more often than the U.S. Lol.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Is It Just Me Or.....

Has anyone else noticed that America rewards mistakes, specifically when it comes to aid for school. Why is that I, 2 two-parent income being spread over multiple children and bills, can get absolutely NO financial aid from UC, but a girl who has a baby out of wedlock can, not only receive a welfare check she also:
  1. Receives Totally free tuition
  2. Free books for some
  3. Child support Check (For those few the system works for)
  4. A Huge REFUND CHECK (usually above $1100.00) from the government
  5. Work Stud eligible
  6. Gas Cards (for some)
  7. Medical coverage
  8. Cheap Rent
  9. Food Stamps

I am a hard-working young woman. I may not receive top of the class grades, but I do have good grades and I sincerely make an effort in all of my classes. I don't feel like I should have to have a baby just to get some help with school!

No offense to the young mothers out there bettering themselves- I am proud for you and your child. I'm only suggesting the the government also help us childless women... Now a child is a blessing; however, I know some of these young ladies got their children through unplanned pregnancies. Is that what it takes for me to get some help? I e-mail Onestop all the time, yet my "EFC is too high." My parents stretch to pay bills as do I. I would like some financial aid, but should I have to have a child just to receive this aid?...

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Me Myself and I

Well, aside from a few inappropriate comments (which I deleted- that was private, send me a text lol), I guess I'm the only one interested in my thoughts. Which is fine, because I feel like too many people feel the need to share their opinion with me throughtout the day anyway. At least I have an unjudged outlet on here so far. However, I once heard that other's people's "10 cents" could help mirror back a healthier and more realistic image of oneself (or one's thoughts)... I'm not sure of the validity of that in this particular situation but it definitely has helped me in the past.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

It Comes In So Many Forms...

It really does: Infidelity in a Marriage... Taking credit for a project your favorite co-worker completed... or how I recently experienced it- a "friend" shows that they were truly never a friend at all. In my case all could have been forgiven if it weren't for that smug phone call last month, what a ***** lol only jesting, but seriously. She knows she's wrong...
Sometimes broken bridges must be kissed and blown away.

On a Clear Day You Can See Tomorrow

Hmmm... a test to study for in every class. Now ya see why I never go anywhere? Now, a question I've been posing to myself- It's a big one. How do I feel about betrayal? Perhaps before I ask the question I should pose a more important preliminary one: What is betrayal- a general or relative term? I mean, some betrayal is obvious, blatant. But other, given the person's personality, are just expected- so is it really betrayal or were they just being themselves? Take my recent situation, A woman (maybe girl in this case) whom I called friend for years now had a situation blow up and the many cover ups (aka lies) she had been telling came to the light. Now, when I sit back and look at our relationship, all the negative things that closer friends and family had been telling me about her became so real, so clear to me. In the year of 2007, I can't even remember ONE time she asked the simple question of "how are you?"!!! So, when at the end of 2007, the not so innocent little personality of hers emerged, should I have really been surprised??

Monday, January 21, 2008

Cashmere Panties & Champagne

A knock on my door sends
My mind into shock
Rushing to gather the folds of my robe, I answer
Sensual, trying too hard.
He notices, performs
His eyes say give me more, his smile draws
me in
A smile that could turn any woman's
favorite lingerie into too much
material.
Enter, Chill
Sip on this
Casual Nothings & Sweet everythings get
Exchanged.
The more he talks, the deeper the
Reservoir in my pink cashmere becomes.
Can't take this tension, edge closer
Pretend to listen....

hmmm... how should I end this one? any suggestions?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Day One Begins the End

Being that it's colder than some cryogenic liquid outside, my evening plans are slowly slipping away. An extremely cute sweater dress was purchased- red, off the shoulder...black leggings...black thigh high boots.... it would have been great except, I'm just not in the mood to freeze for fashion today (a bulky coat really doesn't go with the outfit). Suppose I'll just stay in and type this chem report.


This has been my thought process for the past year. I feel like my social life is a distant memory.. Is there anything to do tonight?...
lonely.at.top.