Friday, October 31, 2008

Beauty In the Breakdown

Tears are to be cherished...

Is what I want to be...

is loved by me, myself and I...

need closure to this problem...

is that he wants it all...

falls down at some point...

tears must come because...

There's beauty.in.breaking.down and

in.letting.go.

"Not Only Slowing But Shrinking"

Recently, In was perusing through the paper, when I realized that I had not even paid attention to the front headline. Upon reading, I discovered that not only are the politicos officially admitting to that we are in a decline, they now think the economy is actually shrinking! Now, that is something that fluttered through my mind within the past month, but I never imagined it would actually be announced. According to the NY Times, consumer spending has significantly dipped for the first time in 17 years. The Enquirer says two more quarters of shrinkage = RECESSION.

Astonishing as this sounds are we surprised? Honestly, I can barely tell the difference between middle class and lower class these days. Government funding for education is at an all time low, thus both classes of people are struggling to pay those tuition bills. What does this say for our children, our future? America has an infrastructure such that higher education is necessary to acquire a well paying job. Unless, you are part of that "Good Ol' boy" club, wherein you are set for life by default. As for us "normal" folk, we still have to work our way up the career ladder- whatever path that may be. I must admit, it makes me weary. If the average American has no access to college, no access to funds, how will the successive generations have a chance to flourish?

I hope with a new presidential cabinet will come better financial choices and some type of long term solution to this problem...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Reality Checkpoint

I'm not sick, nah. My head is always on firmly.


But I'm not well. Perhaps it's turned just a hair too far to the left, I don't know but something is wrong.

The thoughts are abnormal. Serious Disturbia. Hmm... I think I'll call you know who for a late night Wal-Mart run. I need to release some stress. I need to laugh, and I need to be overwhelmed by the aisles of goodies at Wal-Mart lol.

Okay Okay!

Tone it down people, I am NOT in love. That was not my point. I was meerly expressing what a possible and cute outcome of this situation could be. lol

Carrie and Big = * & I

I think perhaps I must make the decision Carrie Made. Leave him alone- totally. After the trip that is.

We'll let each other go (or so we'll think), but We'll never forget

He'll marry her or some other sub par bimbo and I will hear about it. Lol. I will cry, my friends will comfort me. He and I will see each other again, and for one awkward moment we'll both remember "they way we were." As our eyes lock, both of our spouses, mates, significant others or whatever will return from the bathroom or the valet service and smile that knowing smile: "so you're him/her..."

LoL Then he'll split with her. He'll reach out to me. I'll be with my endearing boyfriend still, but resisting will be hard. I'll slip into old habits (some die hard some never die at all). My fiance will leave me, and I'll think I have * to run to. Au Contraire, he'll break me down again. He and his wife will reconcile.

I will be heartbroken, not only because he failed me again, but because I failed someone too (my fiance who I cheated on for a man who didn't truly love me...yet).

Sounds insane, but we will meet again. Oh no, us meeting will not be insane, the fact that I will fall into old habits and expect different results is what will be insane.

In the end though, we will realize that we were meant for each other and no one else can fulfill what we fulfilled with each other. We may be the marrying kind and we might not- it doesn't matter to us as long as we're together.

Lol cute huh?

See here's the problem with my little extrapolated saga: The girl that he will most likely realize he can't be without, regardless of their status is *.*.*. I would probably be the wonderful wife (aka Natasha lol) that's getting cheated on and played. *.*.* will be the woman he falls for time and time again.

Ha what a beautiful little nightmare...

True Blood- Irony

"My Brother's a dog. He's all smiles and charms in the beginning...You seem like a sweet girl, I don't want you get to hurt."

"You know, I don't think Jason's realized even half of what he's going to be. I wouldn't be so quick to judge- you might be surprised at what he's capable of..."


I got a dose of irony this morning... And here it is again this afternoon right on HBO


Once again I plea, someone save me from myself so I can heal. Please.

Poison: Let Her Drink It

The man is toxic for me...My stomach is churning thinking about him and the words he chooses to say actually the words he chooses not say. A headache is sure to follow. Why can't this man, after I've poured my heart out to him, pour at least 1/4 of his out to me? Why does he continue to relish in my unhappiness?

I'm sick of this, literally, but I know how to fix it

My Choice: *.*.* Take him. Keep him... away from me in all shapes and forms. *, Downgrade all you want just please leave me out of it...Don't make a choice baby, I'll choose for you- I'm good at that.

He doesn't get it and never will. Of all that I wrote for him to read on here, He missed every single important point. He addressed nothing. After all he's done, he stuck to what was safe for him, totally disregarding what I needed to hear him say. My feelings mean as much to him as hers (probably less), and I cannot handle that- why should I have to compete with anyone?(I am so tempted to post a comparison photo from all angles LoL) I won't compete with what I've already beaten- and there in lies the problem. The choice for him was clear and he made it- *.*.*. The ball is in my court and I've chosen to pick it up and go home. I am not staying in this game. I played hard when I didn't need to. I tossed him the ball for the alley oop in the last 2 seconds, but he decided the cheerleader (*.*.*) was too much distraction. What else can I do but go home, defeated?

Take his pipe, his words, his touches, everything about him that charmed and endeared me. Please erase my photographic memory for your sake and mines as well.

This trip might just be the end, I'm certain. The end of a twisted chapter that I hope I will only re-read in laughter while I sit with my husband and think about how I almost sacrificed it all for one who was willing to give up nothing for me. Am I not worth at least something to him? It hurts me to say that, I mean actual pain. No really, please feel me on this, ACTUAL PAIN. I got short of breath and lightheaded when I came to this conclusion- that I must let him go. What hurts more is that he doesn't care. Why doesn't he care? because he has her (*.*.*). Scratch that, he cares about me- he just happens to care about her as well. He'd be physically sick if he stopped talking to me, yet he's willing to sacrifice that. I can't try to keep something that doesn't want to be kept. I'll let her handle that from now on.

He can't stand to not talk to her because they are such good "friends". LoLs! cracks me up every time I replay the words- In that not funny sort of way. In that seriously "are you joking?" sort of way. I would share with her just how fond of her he really is, but I think I'll let her be "surprised" when she raises enough of her money to go and see him (or perhaps he'll pay for his precious one to come and continue whats been on his mind anyway) lol. She's one of those, "He-must-love-me-because-he-chose-me-over-her- girls," One of those types that will feel special just because he still talks to her, not realizing that she's only hurting herself with those glimmers of hope.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

BitterSweet Joy Goes Down So Hard

Well, I was so excited before. I still am. However, I just reminded myself that this trip could mean the end... Will we stay friends? Not sure, honestly not sure. Can I even take two weeks of it? Don't really have a choice. On the flipside, this could mean the beginning of an end of some type of inorganic friendship. Forced? yes. Awkward? yes. I just don't know. It kills me that he acts like nothings happened but then again he does.

"So you aren't excited anymore?"

Then on the same hand, he wants to joke with me as if we're friends. At this point, we are not friends. More like strangers that just happened to share a chapter in a book. A corrupted chapter at that. I don't even know if he knows me really, and I obviously don't know him...

I can hear his name without tears, should I leave it at that and just pretend I never met him after this trip? I guess only time will tell... But anyway, less than 2 months now! I suppose I will have to wait until then to find out, unless the morning's conversation is some magical statement that I (or she) has never heard before.

I highly doubt that ladder statement...

OH----EM---GEEEEE!!!

Lord, you have blessed me so, and I love you for that!

I conversed and really kicked it with "The Other"! She is not only funny and sweet, but did I mention we laugh at things together? Ha!! First the great convo last night and now this! We actually have some inside jokes now (IE. our shade from that "palm tree" and my: I think I ate and laughted too early." ) Lol

Also, my official SK itinerary came in now! I cannot wait!! I am taking a picture of EVERYTHING!

YAYYYY

The Almost Perfect Guy...

OMG he's ever so interested in everything!! He can't stand to hear me in pain. Never wants anyone to be rude to me (Snoop Dog- Beautiful ring any bells?). Won't let me be lazy. Constantly reminds me of all my goals, and offers to help me reach them (ha inside 1). LoL. He loves when I look good but never minds seeing me in my WG outfit and thinks I have that "sexy bedroom hair look" when I first wake up... lol. He loves it when I sing to him- which on purpose is rare really, normally I sing to myself and he overhears- but you all know I spit those lyrics off the daily (yeaaaa son! lol).

I hate to see him sad. His words can change my mood- never negative though; whenever I'm sad, he knows how to turn my frown upside down (lol corny I know). I love to see him flourishing in prosperity, and I love that we both love the Lord.

Yes, he sounds like my man right? Nope, a great friend. Irreplaceable even. He's better than strawberry-topped cheese cake and bubble baths on a rainy day- well maybe just the cheesecake haha.

Why isn't he my man you ask? Well It's simple, when he was ready, I wasn't. He's a bit older than me (No, N***, not that old, I'm a somewhat past that phase now lol), and I just couldn't handle it at the age that I was- too busy promo modeling and city hopping.

He's actually a little mad at me right now. He says, "How could you let him hurt you like that? You're so much better than that!!" My response: I live and I learn- I admit, it's a lesson I'd rather have never had to experience first hand, but I have now. All I can do is cherish what's left of me and let the rest flow as it will...

She Says She Loves It....

Lol... so gay. but this woman, this female... she says she likes the way I do me. When she thinks of my name, her eyes get starry and hollywood pops in her head?!

Lol she must know the old me- I am no longer young fly and flashy. Perhaps fly, but not young and flashy. No more Chanel bangles, mixed with Louis belts and purses. Too old for all that. I am a boring neuro-science student now haha. I know nothing of parties and flashing lights anymore- left all that behind...

Now why she decided to share what with me, I'm not certain. Her goal is jah blowing me. hmm...



But Fudge Man.. here it comes, round midnight. I'm reminded...

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Old Habits Die Hard- #1...

Younnngggiiinnnn'!!! So funny, those "candy kisses" !!! Some people were just meant to be stuck in a static phase- teasing constantly never crossing the line... LoL... I win this time though..


Don't test me, play boi, I'm one of the best at this game- I play to win, and I have a rock of moves, not so far up my sleeve, to accomplish that goal....

"The Other" is No Longer So Foreign...

A wonderful conversation with *.*.* today, made me feel totally guilty about the previous conversation with *. Yes, my opinions on her and he will probably never change, but I do see that there is a bit more to her than what people talk about, than what she is known for. I enjoyed the conversation- not only long but genuine. No, I don't think she and I are on the same level, but it is not my job to judge her. If * wasn't so interested in her, I probably wouldn't even care about her infamous flaws. She's sweet and we laugh at the same thing at times.
Crazy crazy crazy.... These emotions of mine. It is not her fault- I keep reciting this to myself, so that I can separate her from the situation...

It's hard.

Lord, grace me with forgiveness and peace on this issue...

To Tat or Not to Tat, That is The ?

I really think I want a tattoo... but of what. I actually want two. One small one right near my ***** and one around my hips or up my side. I am, admittedly, a bit scared of the sensation, but I hear that you get used to it. Besides, certain pain gives me a rush. The major hindrance is, surprisingly, that one Bible verse:

Leviticus 19:28 – “Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.”

Should I take this verse literally? Or, is this symbolism for something else? I really could use some advice on this. However, many of my friends have tattoos,s o would they be good sources? hmm...

In the mean time I'll have my friend give me Henna tats in both places lol :-)

Once Upon A Time

The world was sweeter than we knew. Especially the Jay McShann version.

You never know what you have until it's long gone, past getting it back. Not me this time. I always know what I have when I have it :-)

Monday, October 27, 2008

Grape Fizzy Please

Craving some grape soda for some reason. Ooo, grape soda and violets- what a combination.
He just made me smile. Lol, I don't think he's ever calmed me down 3 times in one message. He brought east coast in me, out. I try to keep her hidden, and I used to do a beautiful job at it. but lately she emerges through my barrier more and more easily. Oh yes, you know who- *. She belongs in a bedroom if there, she's far too b*tchy and attituded to be just out on the loose all of the time.

The other made me smile as well. He knows exactly what to say.. luckily I know exactly how to respond. I appreciate his attempts- sort of a needed boost at times, but I just can't. Too much baggage. Too much...everything. You know, even good things are bad in excess.

The library provided some much needed solitude. Ha, someone told me I looked cute in my WG fit. LOL! He knows he was lying and so was his cosigning friend. I even had on the scarf to complete it this time. Picture it: tan snow boots, tan cap, pink Victoria's secret sweats and a tan scarf. Plaid pea coat. Yes, it was nuts, but I needed to study (and vent frustrations apparently), and I did not feel like getting dressed just for this.

All That's Left is Shadows...

And empty shell casings. In the words of N.E.R.D, A nightmare devoured my dreams. Sooner or later, I guess it does all come crashing down. And yes everyone is around. I can't look sad without someone bothering me. They circle around me, my emotions enduce a heat field about me. The predators with their fangs, their heat-sensing ability, they rush at me. Some smiling, some sneering, all with a common motive though- they are all hungry... They all want to feed. The girls, most of them just want gossip, hell most of them want him too lol. They run up to me like "girl, I just saw **** and she is not cute!; She was just a f*@* to him don't worry about it (Ha little do they know she was and is so much more ha)! Or Girl, he is not worth it you can do so much better!" I turn to them perplexed: I'm actually not smiling because its 8am, and I have an Organic chemistry class to attend- wouldn't that piss you off too? sheesh. The men, they are another breed. I see that look, it's an intrinsic glint a certain type all have in their eye- that "if-you-wanted-to-screw-me-right-here-and-now-I-would-go" look. I take note of that look and stay away yet keep one in my back pocket. He'll tell me about the others not knowing that he's also dispelling info on himself. Lol, I'm a clever clever little thing..

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Windy Memories of Obamas, Ha...

Amy Winehouse was right. Around midnight those memories bombard my mind. I need relief from him. It's there but I don't want it. It's almost as if he's become intrinsically bound to my inner most thoughts. I would say extrinsic, but he has been assimilated. I wonder if he remembered to say happy sweetest day to his sister? I don't celebrate it but he is an Ohioan.

Lol @ remembering our "Michelle and Barack" conversation in the parking lot. "I could be like Michelle. I bet she remembers his schedule for him. I'm always remembering things for you." He laughs and agrees- he knows he's forgetful at times.

It will sound crazy with the way he's treated me, but I see an "Obama" in him. No no, not necessarily the President (well maybe), but a great man. A wonderfully accomplished, God-fearing man. I see a leader, internationally known. I see a father that his sons will look up to and his daughters will want their husbands to emulate.

I recognize an above average character. Yes he committed a typical male "crime," but I won't even fade myself into thinking that he's simply normal. He can't be, because he won my heart. No other man can say that really.
Yes yes, The Ex, the "Boxer" has some of my heart, but in a different sense. We have a nearly ten year relationship- friendship- built with each other. I will always have a spot for him; but, truth be told, after all those years, he doesn't know the parts of me that "my man" should know. I could never reach that level of intimacy with him. But *, he and I connect on so many levels. Not only my heart, but he captivated my mind. The Ex never had such privilege into my depths. I tried to reach his to no avail most times... Hopefully he'll grow up some day and make some woman a proud wife. If not, at the very least, he'll be great eye candy though ;-).

Honestly, it's not even his looks (though sexy he is, those thighs- so manly oommmgggg lol) that turned me on. It was/is his mind. I connected with his mind so sharply that it sent that ever so familiar tantalizing tingle straight to my ****. I'm used to men being intimidated by my own rather wide expanse of knowledge and poise. When I told * I was studying to be a doctor, instead of the usual "wow," or "oh so you're one of those smart chicks" responses, he said "People would be proud if we got together, me a lawyer or politician and you a doctor."

Tell me That Isn't Michelle and Barack all day!!! LoL...

The laughter ceases when I am cruelly reminded that he doesn't want any of that with me anymore... I'd shed a tear but my eyes are far too dry from writing this stupid Organic protocol :-(. D@*n these tear-snatching diethyl ethers and aminobenzoates!!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

2 Glasses of Wine Later...

Lol the lyrics to I'm not a whore anymore inspired by *.*.* and sung by my sister is hilarious!!! I want to sing it to *.*.* to let her know that life can be refreshed for her still hahaha!!

2 glasses of wine and one piece of french toast later, I say to myself, hmmm.... I wonder what he's doing... Does he think about me as much as he drifts through my mind?? Probably not. He's a busy man. Then again, I'm fairly busy for a woman my age as well but he still manages to find space.

Another piece of french toast and one scrambled egg later, one sip of wine later... LoL at my ex texting me. Wants to know if we can go play pool. Nope nope, not doing that to myself again. Great abs though ha.

2 pieces of turkey bacon later... so what am I doing tonight??? Naming Bicycloalkenes, calculating Gibb's free energy you say? Yep, I say. so no fraternizing allowed. Thank you Lord for making all of this Organic finally click. Don't tell anyone but... <:whispering:> I actually like it :-)

Man I was pretty hungry ha.

Reading Politico, Chocolate Milk Saturdays

Oh my my my what a sad day in the stock market, both US and internationally. As I read of their plummets and of panic setting in (Politico is a wonderful paper), I smile... The end of days, and I still don't have my ish together. Now, this was not a "hahaha lol teeheehee" smile. More of a, I-have-had-so-many-years-to-get-it-together-what-else-can-I-do-but-smile-at-my-own-fallacies smile. I will though. I am working diligently to change the outcome of things. However, going along with game theory, in some situations, I have been making the best decision for that situation, not necessarily the best decision in general.

I need a drink. Or maybe not, taking the edge off would be great, but I am also studying for Organic Chemistry. Can't name bicycloalkanes and be drunk at the same time. So I opt for a tall glass of chocolate milk instead. After the first sip, a cold drop drips down my chin. I look in the mirror and before I wipe it off- "Got Milk" pops into my head. "Snap!" Had to savour the moment.I suppose I shall return to my Politico now- This "Powell Dropping a Hammer on McCain" story is actually quite intriguing.

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Battle Of Bold or Stormy LoL




Okay, people don't have time to post all of this but I need help in.... The Battle of The BlackBerrys!!! Should I purchase the Storm or the Bold???




Thursday, October 23, 2008

Um, Hello?

What a great meeting today. I am so happy! She is down to earth, funny, candid and sincere. I love it! I am very pleased and honored to be working with her.

So, no change. It really doesn't seem to bother him that he barely talks to me anymore. I mean when he does send that rare, open communication message, it is somewhat sweet. But also somewhat generic. We talk about the upcoming travel plans and that's it.

Can he not tell that I am in pain? Or does he notice and not care?

Maybe it was all an illusion....

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

All It Takes...

So, today was not a rough one. I can't say that I am getting used to us not conversing. lol, am I surprised? I shared many laughs today though- Thank God for blessing me with joy. Took an OCHEM quiz that I really should have studied harder for, but I also had genetics, psych stats, and my patients to deal with.

"Paging Dr. Evans...." That's all I want to hear. I can't wait till that day comes (along with the white lab coat and tiny red Prada dress :-P). It will let me know that all of this was so worth it.

R.I.P Uncle Harry. The funeral was today... He always believed in me. I will cry for you... I will miss you... and I will progress.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Un Poema Espontáneo Para Mi Padre

When I think of my father I see… The free flowing waves of smooth jazz in vivid blue and grey hues. I see white, yellow and purple intertwined in a symphony that only Miles Davis could conduct. I see imported beer being casually sipped. The flavor mixing with the after taste of olives and grilled chicken. I see a man when I think of my father.
A stimulating hue of light brown and red, vibing to whatever he wants. Free of any care, or so it seems. Behind those dark shades could perhaps lie troubled eyes, a troubled soul. A never broken spirit exudes from his hugs. That smile. Beautifully flawed in all the right places. I don’t know what I’d do without this image.

Not perfect, but perfectly imperfect. When I think of my father, I see… Off-white linen shorts with a matching shirt. Small gold chain that says, yes, I have it all. I See a watch for every outfit, wonderfully selected to get him wherever he needs to be, 20 minutes late. Naïve as to why everyone is giving him “the look” when he reaches his destination.

I see a nonchalant aura of sea green and peach dancing around his head. Hiding the red and black that attempts to bubble to the surface. He stares at his children with visible pride. That son of his gets to him; thank God his daughters provide sweet kisses to dull that nagging sense of “it’s never enough.” When I think of my father, I envision a man.

The Ex...

Ha, now this will be a twist from the typical ombabulating around the "new man," that I have been consumed with. Those who know me, know the one. The appellation, "Boyfriend" was so foreign and just impossible for him lol. Well, he's calling again, and honestly I'm lost as to why? I mean yes, if he's on fire, I'll wet him (tee hee hee :-)). No really, he can get something if he truly needs it, but all the calls are a No Go. Matter fact, switch that, he has a green light to keep it moving. I'm not sure what he wants, but I don't even need the stress right now.

Case and Point:
I am dealing with a lot right now from the current situation.
I had been cogitating over whether to e-mail him (I miss talking to him so much) or to continue not speaking to him (I am pissed with him beyond belief).

Suddenly, I get a message (usually at this hour, it's him)... My stomach turned, but I cracked a half smile. I got "angry butterflies" so to speak :-)

It wasn't him... it was "The Ex": Hey Honey, I just saw a pic of u girl. you always were the prettiest one.

W-T-F!!! F = a very hard FUDGE LoL. I always was the "prettiest one????!!!" Out of how many you jerk?! lol
I smiled, like "aww he thinks I look nice," but the grimace followed soon because I don't need this $#*!. I don't need him bringing up old memories- whether they be good or bad. He and I are so over that, in the words of Ms. Bradshaw (or should I say Mrs. Big lol), "We need a new word for over!"

Thus, aside from squabbling with myself over my current situation, I was left to think about what his butt could possibly want and why he thinks calling twice in a row each day will get the job done?

Monday, October 20, 2008

Happiness is A Choice

I am tired.... exhausted...behind....broken-hearted.... and yet- today I laughed. I smiled without remorse. Without feeling like I was betraying my feelings. I enjoyed a spirited conversation with new and old friends about what exactly Talking "white" and talking "black" was. Lol. will post more about it shortly. I need to get some HW done right now..

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Count Down Begins

I suppose I have a soft firm date to never never land now... Yea quite oxymoronic but whatever. It's amazing how men can really just miss it. As well as you think or they think they know you, they simply don't. You know, my BFF's and I, both male and female, can read each other's attitudes. All it takes is for my male one to shoot me one e-mail/text, and I respond with one word or a swift "it's okay," and he just knows that something isn't right. Of course, all of my female friends and I share this connection, but that might just be a "thing" between women. Perhaps men do know it and choose to ignore it- which is obviously worse.


I suppose, on a lighter note, I need to buy some cute flats...

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Taylor Swift- Fearless. Loving It


As you all know (because so far only those closest to me keep up with is), I L-O-V-E Taylor Swift!!! She is a great song writer and singer. She is also wonderful on that guitar of hers. Well, her new album is no exception. "Love Story" is such a great idea for a love song. Unique and fresh, but at the same time, because of the underlying story- classic.
Give the CD a listen. Even if you don't like country, it may attract the pop lover in you!