Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Warmth

He is still familiar. We kicked it like old days, and believe me it's been years. Attraction is high, then again, so is risk. We care for each other- being friends for this long, who wouldn't? I am still not sure about things though. Waitress made a great point:

I want a man that can hold me for twenty minutes straight, without wanting or needing anything in return. Without wanting sex or even a kiss. One that will try nothing at a moment that he realizes that I am vulnerable and hurting... Yes, he will hold me but what about the other stipulations? I am not sure if he can provide this for me. Oh he listens to me, every little thing- he can repeat :-) I love that, because, sometimes, I ramble. He laughs at my funny jokes and teases me for the not so funny ones. I.love.that. We have fun together, and who needs a therapist's couch when he provides me with 3am WalMart runs? LoL...

Friday, November 28, 2008

A great Quote


"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."


~Marilyn Monroe

Some Men Will Be And Forever Are, No Good

For some men, no matter how they treat you, still aren't worth a darn.

For when he uses words like "us" "them" and "we" all it really means is his d*ck and he!

It's all an illusion...

Beware. That.is.all.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Oo Shame on Me...

This is hilarious. I know, I shouldn't laugh but this is just wayyy too funny. I like to be good, but how they do so love it when I'm bad lol.

On the downside I actually had to delete my FB Honesty Box a while ago! So many people kept writing in there about *.*.*, and then people (females included) kept writing sexually grotesque messages... Get a life.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Healing


Maybe my heart is mending.


"All it takes, is a little love and a lot of heart... you have yours and I have mine."

Lenka- A Single I'm Loving

Don't Let Me Fall is so sweet and upbeat. So real. This song is cute and uplifting. Very nice deviation from the standard, pushed industry music.

Bears Repeating

I said it once, I'll say it again, there's beauty in the breakdown, and in letting go.

Lord, I pray you continue to assist me in separating the people from the situations. Keep my heart warm to love. Keep my mind keen to understanding and graciousness. Allow me to know when to let go of what can no longer or should no longer be held. Ease my pain, but continue too bless with the virtue of patience. I need you. I praise you. Thank you.

"Kissing broken bridges and softly blowing them away." ~Honey

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

French.PoP.Rocks.


I have NO CLUE what she is saying in this song...and I.Love.It!!
Give Yelle a Listen!

Sasha Fierce.... Almost Forgot!


So most everyone knows, I like Beyonce. I'm not saying she is the best, but her steelo is awesome. I have not had a chance to listen to the entire CD yet.


So Far... I am loving Satellites, Video Phone, Diva... I am not sure about this though- there are a bit more songs than I would like for there to be that I can skip through...
And actually Diva is rather stupid. A hustler is not feminine or masculine- it's a money-maker. period. The beat is sick though. That's about it.

Nymphomaniac


Yes, I'm sure the first thing that popped into your head was quite inappropriate, and guess what? You're right. There's nothing more I can say except that I.am.addicted. To pleasure.


Food-gasms. Shoe-gasms. Fashion-gasms. Heck even grade-gasms. I love it. I mean goodness, who doesn't love a good gasm? Me, though, I think I represent the extreme of the continuum. I know there are support groups for this sort of thing, but I'm not sure that I want to be cured... I am not a shop-a-holic as of yet- okay let me stop lying, I am a recovered shop-a-holic. It's just that feeling you get when you find that perfect Burberry trench coat or that distressed brown leather bomber, the price is irrelevant. "You gotta have em'. You're glad you got em'." I get this rush, this ecstasy when I find the right pair of shoes. I'm approaching climax when I see them, but when I slip them on my feet with perfect outfit, there's nothing that can bring down my high. I fiend for that high- who would want to be cured of such a wonderful relief from reality?


As for food, I think anyone that knows me is aware of my love affair with food. Hello Lovvvahhhss ::glances lovingly at the raw broccoli and carrots::... Food-gasms are produced exteriorly, but radiate through your body from the inside out. You inhale the aroma of a delicious portion of manicotti. The scent arouses your tongue, almost as if you're already tasting it... When the actual food finally reaches your taste buds, it's beautiful.it's organic.it's divine. It's a gasm! Once you swallow the tasty morsels, they cause a chain reaction and hence the gasm-effect.

You may think I am crazy after reading this- you might just be right. For now, that is all.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Random Meets Insane... Chemistry

The products formed from the reactants of random and insanity are this... lol

Some people should just never be friends. Better yet, people possessing these qualities should never even meet. My new friend and I decided to hit the art museum. Needless to say the pictures will be hilarious. Instead of looking at the art, we decided to imitate it and photograph our sick actions. As the onlookers stared at the art, we posed, giggled and participated in sporadic outbursts of fun. People switched their stares of confusion from the Picasso masterpieces to my friend and I. We became live art exhibits. an we.did.not.care.

I love it! I mean it was free, it was childish. It took me back to the Corcoran, maybe even the Smithsonian, circa 1998. I was young. I loved art, and you couldn't tell me I was not sophisticated as I ran around all of the pictures posing in front of them like Vanna White. Forwarding back to the present, I was waiting for security to come escort us off the premises for making more of a fuss than the new exhibit, but thankfully we were spared. Though one woman gaffed, we entertained most- more importantly ourselves. lol.

Oh and if you couldn't tell, the reaction never hit equilibrium. It stayed in a constant state of entropy haha.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Settling For Honesty


I know this sounds strange given my older posts but as women, are we now forced to settle for honesty? Let me explain.

Recently a friend told me that she went on a date. The man was charming, handsome, intelligent. Conversation was stimulating. However, during the course of the date, he revealed that all he wanted was sex. Now don't get me wrong, I'd much rather have a man just come right out and say this instead of letting a faux relationship drudge down the trail of man hating.

I have another friend who was with a man for 3 years and found out, through social networking no doubt (lol), that he had another girlfriend for 1 of those years. He denied it at first, but both women eventually got the truth out of him.

I think my own situation has been discussed enough.

Thus, the question I pose is this: Are our new choices simply blunt honesty or lies? Note, I am not upset that Mr. IJustWantSex admitted this fact on the first date, but what happened to those men that wanted fulfilling relationships?Are the only men left the justwantsex men or the posers? Those men that create the illusion of a relationship just to get the sex. Is this really all that's left for those poor single women like me?

I'm certainly no hopeless romantic, but I desire marriage. I want a man that I can love through whatever and receive that same kind of love. I want the love described in 1 Corinthians.

In this society we live in, where have all the Godly husbands gone?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Dream a Little Dream


I wish I could have more lucid dreams. Thankfully, I remember my dreams nearly all the time, in full detail...
I used to dream that I had this son. He was beautiful. More importantly, he was great. I birthed greatness. Yes, All mothers feel like this, but mines was different. I did not know my child. I did not know I respected him. I recognized that he had a purpose and that it was my job to nurture that purpose and provide the catalyst for his flourishing. I never know that I'm dreaming when I see my son. The motherly pride with which I view him in my arms is more real than the chemical reactions I am currently working on. Cold sweat. I wake up from this dream, every time, with a cold sweat. It excites me; it terrifies me. I want to indagate its reason for recurring but hesitant as to what I might find...


I am firm believer that dreams are not meaningless fluff. Everything has a purpose. Why would God bless us with such an ability to escape reality as we sleep. Though for some, nightmares plague them, they usually all have a meaning behind them. I am thinking of delving into dream analysis heavily. What if certain dreams could be chemically forced- a sort of natural virtual reality?

"At times I yearn to reach that star as it dangles tauntingly over my head. Then sometimes, I say F It..."

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Still Happy Too Though

The Voter informed me that he plays the guitar. He also said he'd teach me. Hmm... I'm still thinking I should keep my distance. I don't want to ruin him haha.

I got my HW finished. Good grades on the quizzes.

Going to see Obama in January- yes, I got tickets to the inauguration. No, I won't be watching it on TV. lol

New hair-do has been decided.

I've decided to stop being so accommodating to certain situations. Yes, that means to you, sorry :-)

I have been following God more and more, and, although paved with pain, the road has been beautiful... I Love you Lord. Thank you for blessing me in times when I deserve nothing...

Friday, November 7, 2008

Thursday, November 6, 2008

The Other & Her Valley That I Almost Got Stuck In


A good friend pointed out a few interesting things about the character of Ms. *.*.* . I mean already knew she had minimal self respect but when a grown man pointed it out to me, It just became more real.

What kind of woman stays with, or rather attempts to stay with, a man who...I'll leave that one blank for the sake of maintaining privacy.

What kind of woman stays with a man when she knows she's being cheated on?
She told me herself she knew (and not just about me), and yet, she stayed. lol it's just nuts- avoidable heartbreak and instead she dives head first in.

His answer, at first, sounded harsh, but I completely agree with him, now that I've pondered it. His answer is:

A Pathetic One. Now normally I'd laugh after this, but it's a serious matter. What if there are more and more black women out there like her- women willing to share a man?!? Women willing to have that man in their life in any possible capacity, no matter how detrimental it is for them. It sickens me. I figured that perhaps I was wrong in having a problem with him talking to her. But a MAN provided me with confirmation that I wasn't. He wondered what kind of woman *.*.* must be to not have a problem with it? Pathetic, Horny, Lonely, Clingy or just Stupid? These are the adjectives he threw out. I don't agree with all of those adjectives, but I continued to listen to his perspective. He said that if this situation had occurred and he was the man involved he would want to drop her because he couldn't respect a woman that didn't respect herself. However, he also said, how stupid would he be to leave a woman who would accept any behaviour from him and just let it slide?

I chuckled as I mused over his statements and propositions. He was right. What man would let go of a woman that, not only enjoyed relations with other women, but also one that he could cheat on and go back to all the time? One that he knew would always be there with open arms.

He went on to note, however, that *.*.* was not yet a woman because she still doesn't know how to put herself in pain for a season so that she may be free for a lifetime. I couldn't disagree with him for the latter half- delay of self gratification is a major mark of maturity. My laughter ceased when he furthered to say that I nearly put myself on her level- that scared me. It truly did. The fact, the sheer thought, that I almost belittled myself for this man. It's one thing to forgive a mistake and be willing to move forward; it's another to not put any restraint on it. I told him one thing, after ALL he did, I only had 1 condition: Stop talking to her- a friendship with her is inappropriate. He couldn't even do that for me. Well, he did at first, but it didn't last (as previously mentioned, not even a week!). I need a man willing to suffer for me- especially when he has caused me much suffering and pain. I need a man willing to progress with ME into the future, not try and stick with sidelines from his past.

He is Not that man. He doesn't want to be.

I am still excited about the trip. I discovered I know more people out there than I thought. I am also excited because it will finally be closure. I'm the type of person that needs that.

What I've just said may sound austere, but honestly, I am praying for her. She's young and another man, just like him, could easily charm her into whatever situation. Though they both deny it, she is still pursuing him. I'm fine with that- I don't chase what's mines, it chases me. LoL, haughty I know, but I speak the truth- ask anyone.
Actually, I believe when 2 people are meant for each other, they naturally pursue each other. It should not be one sided.

In the words of Rachel, I wish her bluebirds in the spring to give her heart a song to sing. I wish her love. I wish her blessings. No malicious feelings here.
Maybe she and I can become friends, and perhaps we can learn from each other.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Great Lyrics


For Just one second I felt whole, as you flew right through me...



It's Spreading

The sadness is spreading to my eyes. He can see it

I smile, with that facade I've developed so well

"I'm fine. This varying weather is what has my immune system going hay-wire." I laugh my most pseudo-real giggle.

He looks at me and he sees it. I am hoping he keeps my secret, but it flows through his lips as if some sort of suction is forcing the words out.

"I think you got sick because you're so sad." How does he know that? He barely knows me. Why can his eyes see past my pupils and bear into my soul?

Hm... now some might be confused, I am Not enraptured with this man. I am just wondering why, suddenly, my sadness is not able to remain inconspicuous.

It's spreading to my eyes...

The Voter

He's Sweet, Tall, an ex-ball player (lol so typical for me). He's back in school but already has a degree. Gorgeous eyes, hair. Smooth skin. Intelligent and funny... Clever? Not sure yet.

He has Baggage. I wonder if his...

I am no good for him right now. I am not the type to ask people to wait because I'm impatient myself. I need time to heal from my own situation, then I will be happy to extend my heart to another. Right now, it's unavailable.

I think he's a "we" man though. I mentioned marriage and children AND a time limit just to scare him off, and he didn't get scared! He said, "I'll help you out with that."

Lol I smiled, but kept my girlish giggle to myself. He was attempting to charm me and, thanks to recent situations, It was avoided. It simply flipped on a switch in my mind. I'm no rookie in this game, just had to regain my footing. Those eyes might get me though, I'm a sucker for intense pretty eyes.

Maybe he really is "innocent" we'll see. The issue, however, is that I was always did prefer dirty boys. Half the fun is in cleaning them up :-P

Swirling Thoughts

It has gotten worse! I feel like I could pass out, and it would be sweet relief from what I've been experiencing.

I talked to him yet again today, via the telephone. That makes 3 days in a row lol. No charming. Just laughs. hmm...

She has been behaving oddly. I wonder what's got miss *.*.* so out of sorts? A little birdie told me that she might just be a tad jealous. Ask me if I care? Nope. Besides, what would she possibly be jealous of- he's in a totally different country it's not like either of us sees him. I will continue to treat her respectfully as long as she continues to do the same.

I need a massage according to a friend. Perhaps I'll work on getting one.

This new person I met has baggage....

Yuck

Okay, I definitely feel like crap today. Though I am still quite excited over Obama's win, I can't help but to notice the pulsing sinus headache (which includes not just my head, but my face as well). Or my stuffy and yet runny nose. Or my lack of energy, despite sleeping nearly all night. Or that queasy feeling in my stomach.


I'm no going to the doctor yet though...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

It's Official- President Barack Obama

Speechless

Stunned

Crying

Ecstatic

Proud

Astonished

Obama has won. Will be sworn in January.

This is a movement. Change has occurred. My children will read about this...

Dr. King's dream is being realized, and I am alive to see it. Thank you God, protect the Obama family and thank you for blessing him with victory tonight...

Rosa Parks gave up that seat and the reason is blaring at me through the television.

Barack is officially the 44th President. Pictures to come...'''

338 to 155 electoral votes as of now... Yes We Can

Anxious, Excited... Sick




I have so many emotions swirling and mixing right now. I can barely even write this. While feverishly watching CNN, so many thoughts are going through my mind. The projected wins are being played at the bottom of the screen. Looks like Ohio made the best decision lol. If McCain wins, grad school overseas will be my only option. I want to go with friends to watch the results, but I feel sick- physically sick. I believe I might be coming down with a cold. My first of the season. As long as it's gone by December 17, I don't care. I am ready for a change. I believe that Obama's presidency would not only change America but change the African-American culture as a whole. Black men would have an admirable male figure to look up to. Barack & Michelle are the perfect power couple. The nuclear black family could return- the idea of having a "baby mama" could possibly be extricated from being one of our norms. Barack has a strong sense of family and that could be just the catalyst we need- a wonderful example of what a marriage in God can be like. His influence just by running in this election is palpable at least. Young black people, that I have never before seen interested in politics, know what the issues are and know where Obama stands on them. He has induced a sense of passion and urgency in them- aroused what was once jaded. Minds that were one manacled by words like "Can't" are now free to imagine possibilities- what can be more beautiful than that, the ability to fantasize...

Many years ago Franklin P. Adams stated, "Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody." I feel like he has been proved wrong in this current election. Of course, many black people are voting against McCain, but I truly believe they are more so voting FOR Obama. People like him, they appreciate what he represents in life, not just politically.

More to come...

Flip It On The Womanizer

1. Never give him your heart.

2. When he says "we," he doesn't mean you and him. He means himself... and his ****!

3. Don't let him tell you that he's okay with his friend's hitting on you because "it tests you." If a man cares about you, he should expect his friends to respect you two's relationship. You are not a tool with which he can flex his pride when (or if lol) you reject his friends.

4. Have sex, Do Not make love with him. His feelings are never as deeply invested as yours might be.

5. Don't confuse a full night with him as romance- his other girl was probably just busy that night.

6. At dinner make sure to offer to pay and pull your card out. That way he knows he's not playing with a rookie. You're no groupie. You don't need his money.

More to come... must study now...

Snough

A combination of a cough and a sneeze. Not to be confused with a cawn or a snawn. lol J, you are hilarious.

I Have Officially Voted!!


I voted and it felt lovely. Surprising even myself, I teared up a bit as I reviewed the candidates and blackened the box next to Barack Obama's name. This entire election is so dynamically life-changing. The fact that a Black Man has even made it as a MAJOR candidate in America is an amazing feat in and of itself. Through all of the struggles, we've made it. I am sad to admit that before December, 2007. I had not had that much pride in this African half of my heritage. So many flaws I was pointing out. Oh I respected Us, I loved us, but pride? That was an entirely different issue for me. Lately, so much negative within our race had been occurring that that's all I was focusing on. I am so proud that we have made it this far. I am proud to have the multi-shaded skin that covers me (lol inside joke to ALL of my friends). I pray for our society as a people. That we continue to progress and not regress. That we preserve our culture and not continue to corrupt it.

I am smiling to myself, watching CNN neurotically and eating a carrot Stick.

OBAMA FOR CHANGE!!!

History In The Making

This election is emotional. It is powerful. I am a history-maker. It might be my one vote that changes the world and I love that. I will tell my children that I voted for the first ever black president, Barack Obama.

Lol

Can't you see I'm busy?! These cleaning products are filthy!

Monday, November 3, 2008

You're Average- Get Over It



I love to wear stilettos. I love to wear thigh high lace nylons for no reason at all. I love lip gloss, although I choose to almost never wear make up (it's limited to eye shadow occasionally). Yes, the color pink and I have a love/hate relationship. Being a woman that absolutely loves to feel sexy and look pretty (by my own definition), I find it hilarious when a woman feels like she's "low maintenance" or "not average" simply because she chooses to rock sneakers and sweats instead of skinny jeans and pumps... And do note that I said "not average", not "above average." They feel that because they spend their money on Nikes and Timberlands that they are some special breed that can relate to the male species in a way that us "pink-lovers" simply cannot. I say, it's your prerogative what you choose to wear but please please please, do NOT think yourself as the opposite of average- because FYI, there are a ton of girls out there JUST..LIKE..YOU. Tom boys have been around forever, so get over yourself (please and thank you lol). Even if you don't consider yourself to be a tomboy, at least admit that there are THOUSANDS, MILLIONS, of women that rock sneakers, and rock them well I might add.

LoL. The same way I am not a deviation from average just because I choose to wear high heels and mac gloss. It's funny to me that these women, by trying not to fall into what they consider to be the "norm," have simply placed themselves into a different category of "normalcy". As far as being high maintenance, last time I checked, great sneakers weren't cheap- you're $50-$85 sneakers are no better than my $50 to $85 pumps/flats. You're $100+ pair of timbs is no better than my Winter season 09' Aldo's moccasin boots. We are just two different categories of women- not a deviation from the status quo.

HOWEVER- and this is a huge however- The way you rock your boots or pumps CAN excise you from the "I follow the rules" category. Your steelo, your vibe, your "You" is what makes you a deviation from what is average.

I'm not hating, just speaking my mind. I'm just tired of hearing females that love to rock sneakers and hate the color pink pride themselves on being so "not average." And in my opinion, a real woman can represent versatility. The same way I can be sexy in those Black leather Jimmy Choos, I can wear my Nikes or Ed Hardy's and be just as confident. As Jay would say, your "swag" is what changes the category you fall into or whether you fall into a category at all. Be your most confident and attractive self no matter what color or style of shoe you're rocking.

I'm iLLie....

The Symptoms:

An extremely sore throat

A semi-broken heart

Hot flashes

Fatigue

Yet Lack of Sleep

Occassional sneezing


Fever? Didn't bother to check

What do you think is causing more problems? Some would say the heart, however, my throat is the worst right now

Medications ingested? Riccola lemon mint drops; Vicks Vapor rub has been...rubbed


Swollen glands? Nil

Any ideas?...

Free Flow

I Love hearing Obama speak and the rally was everything that it should have been expectations were exceeded.


The hair has grown MUCH in these stupid braids. Thank goodness I have great friends and sisters to assist in their removal lol.

I am tired but not. Perhaps it was the late nap.

Heard more good things about the Storm today...

Church was great. Exactly what I needed to hear.

Family time was wonderful as well

A cordial conversation occurred. Not sure about the ending though lol.

Did I already mention that Breakfast At Tiffany's is a "GREAT" movie?

Diamonds are a girl's bestfriend is stuck in my head. But I do sing it ever so well. lol.

I am going home next weekend...

Haha @ the various synonyms for the word great :-)

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Saturday, November 1, 2008

It's Time

I am kissing broken bridges and blowing them away. If they were meant to be, they will rebuild themselves. Perchance, one day, a path in my life will lead me to one, and the bridge(s) will become reintegrated into my life. Or perhaps, they're gone forever. Never meant for me to utilize in the first place.

Parting is such sweet sweet sorrow.


"Instead of kneeling in the sand, catching teardrops in my hand. My heart is drenched in wine. You'll be on my mind forever..."