Friday, December 11, 2009

Sex My Mind- Is That Too Much to Ask?

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell someone that you need them to go deeper. No, not in that sense get your mind out of the gutter. I mean deeper emotionally, spiritually, mentally. A favorite song of mine is by the artist Yuna- Deeper Conversation. The song is all about, that’s right you guessed it, deeper conversations. When you have a relationship where love is involved, how long can the relationship be sustained without conversation that plows through the surface and gets to the core? Personally, I like to be mind f*cked. If a man can’t slide my mental panties down, he has no hope of touching my tangible ones. I feel like many women have problems with men, because they don’t press them for deep conversation. Will they eventually get it? Sure, but it’s only after they’ve shared such an intimate piece of themselves with him. Then, they find out, the man is never someone they would have wanted to invite into their bed. Are females that demand a man to go deeper becoming a rare breed? I’d mainly like male opinions because most women will deny that a man can have superficial verbal intercourse with them and still get the cookie (ha). Men, how much convo do you usually give a young “lady” before you get any play? Does it depend on the girl? Also men, do you enjoy a girl who can blow your mind (yea, I know you liked that play on words ha!)? Let me know! <---Here is the song by Yuna. Enjoy.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Toxic Love: Where Do You Draw The Line?

"The more in love we became, the more dangerous we became for each other. Equally as dangerous...because, it was a bit of an obsession." ~Rihanna on Chris Brown

I'm not sure why, but this quote struck a cord with me. I was perplexed as I thought about why it was bothering me so much, and then it came to me. Before I begin, I'd like to preface this post by saying that I do not have some tumultuous, obsessive, love life. I have a healthy relationship, so don't run wild this. I was not thinking from the "Fatal Attraction" angle either. I'm speaking of 2 people, mutually and passionately in love.

A little background information: I never had a boyfriend in high school and for the majority of my college years, I focused on books and never took a man seriously. I've recently found to be what I feel will be my first and last Love. I know it may be odd for a woman my age to just be experiencing her first love, but it is what it is. I love the feeling it brings when I think that not only am I in love, but that I am sharing this love. Although, like anything, it has its trials and problems, it's a mutual bliss- progressing and secure. However, there's a darker side to my emotions, and I feel I need to get a grasp on managing them early, as this is all new territory for me. This love is also an addiction. At times, and I'm ashamed to admit this, it's jealous, and more often than not, illogical.

From the above, you might be thinking that I already need assistance but pump ya breaks. Is this not how love is experienced for any other people? A whirlwind of emotions that surrounds my very soul, the eye of this delicious storm being my heart. A storm doesn't always have to be destructive and turbulent. It's simply all of my emotions coming at me in a rush. My question, however, is this? Where is the line drawn with "love?" When do two people realize that their love has become dangerous for each other.

Some might say when it reaches the point of possessiveness:
  1. Jealousy opposed to the personal independence of, or to any influence other than one’s own upon, a child, spouse, etc.
  2. Desirous of possessing, esp. excessively so: a possessive lover.
  3. Of or pertaining to possession or ownership
Now some might say that this is a bad quality to allow to exist in a relationship (esp. after reading definition # 1 lol), but I disagree (yea yea sue me) to a certain degree.. In my opinion, it's only natural to wonder about the whereabouts of someone you love. You worry that they might betray you, despite the trust you have in them. You feel like you've found something golden and unique, and you don't want to share that with anyone else. Obviously, this "quality" can go too far. However, I would argue to say that it only becomes a problem when 2 parties demonstrate unequal levels of it. If both parties are equally possessive, perhaps there will be less friction over rules imposed or controlling behavior? I don't know, let me know what you think. I definitely don't want to own anyone, but I am territorial. It's a basic survival instinct... right? I personally think the line comes in when people are trying to control every aspect of each other's lives. I used to see those horror stories on Oprah or Psych shows where women had husbands who told them what to wear, when to wear it, and how to wear it. The men didn't let them have any friends, didn't let them out of the house, and made them check in with them every hour of the day. Clearly, this is going overboard, but also represents what I mentioned before- an unequal balance of "power" - the women had no control in these situations.

My questions, in summary, are: Is there a such thing as "Healthy" Possessiveness. Can you be "possessive" and still be secure? Where is the line drawn (and please don't mention violence, that's a given.)?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Why "Correction" You Say?

I feel like God has blessed me tremendously within this past yr. I have the love of my life (and he has me lol). I travel at my leisure. My Medical School Future looks quite bright (I'd make a Melanie.from.The.Game. reference, but that would be so cliche). :) My hair is wonderfully healthy and growing (I'll post a pic, it's already grown out of my cut and to my shoulders). However, I feel like I'm not giving enough to Him with the way I live my life. I harbor unforgiveness toward some people. I hold disdain for a few people, and I just don't praise and thank Him enough. I need to get my priorities back in order. I think one issue is that my spiritual accountability partner and I haven't been communicating enough because we have both been traveling. Anyone want to fill the position? haha, no seriously, I really need accountability in my life. Also, any ideas on how to get my priorities back in order? Obviously, I'm making efforts on my own, but I could use your suggestions.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

It's Been A While

Hello Lovvvahhss, I'm so sorry for the delay in posts. It's been a long month for me. Lots of school work, business with the non-profit, and life in general. I don't have much to say right now (it's coming soon, don't worry). I actually have a request. Pray for me. I need correction. Thank you.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Letting Go- That's Right- The Ex....

It starts with "like" (anyone that knows me, knows that I consider "love at first sight to be utter f*ckery"). An ongoing exchange of phone calls. Get-togethers become frequent.. Blah Blah Blah- you know how it goes. You end up together, with a wealth of feelings for each other that can barely be managed. It's a rush. It's fresh. Pure Pulchritude. Then, time passes and those fresh apples become molded pork (lol quite a jump huh?). The fire dies. The passion is over. Nothing lasts forever they say...

One major issue, however, is that sometimes the is only lost for one party. One study that produced interesting findings showed that 51% of women say they initiated their break-ups; but only 32% of men claim they were dumped ( In more rare cases, feelings aren't lost by either party- they simply don't work together. These situations raise a myriad of questions, and I'd just like to hear some opinions.

The Ex, The Breakup. My main question here is: How long does it take to get over a break up? According to Charlotte of Sex and the City, "It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them." So, if you date someone for a year, you need 6 full months to get over them. Then there's the other frequent saying, "the best way to get over one man is to get under another." The statistic above shows a real disconnect between people- not just men and women- when it comes to splitting up. It could possibly explain the drama and confusion that can come with ending a relationship. If a man cuts his significant other off completely, how long should it be before that person ceases communicating with that man all together? Me personally, I have a bit of a pride issue. Love is new territory for me, but if you block my number, refuse to see me, don't answer my twacespace msgs (LOL), I'm done with you. You won't have to tell me twice. I will be in pain but still manage to forget I ever felt anything for you. However, not everyone is this strong (oops I mean stubborn lol). Depending on how deep and intense the connection was, a person can harbor feelings of love forever it seems. What I'm asking is, when is it time for someone to shake the sh*t out of this love-sick creature and say- 'It's been long enough, get over it!' ?

That New-New. Not knowing when to let go can raise a multitude of issues. I think we've all heard stories of women (oo Bag Lady you better listen to Erykah Badu) who carry so much baggage into their relationship that the new man is overwhelmed. Men have the same problem. He still has love for the ex girl, and he constantly compares the new interest to her: "Hey baby, I'd love it if you wore your hair like this..." Sure that seems innocent enough, right? Until you find out that it was Ms. Ex's signature style (ha!). Both men and women seem to think they can keep an ex in their life in certain capacities without old feelings resurfacing. Here's my little tid-bit of logic- if it's been years, and you STILL question yourself and/or your feelings regarding this person, you're probably not a suitable candidate for a new relationship. So to all the newbies out there, how do you handle this? My opinion as of right now is this- a platonic Ex, fine- check on her. laugh with her. hell, go a little wild & play a game of Yahtzee together (lol). HOWEVER and this is a huge one- if there are any feelings there, I expect her to be cut off- totally, until further notice. This goes for men and women. I notice an excuse I hear from both sexes is that their Ex is now in a relationship, so it's okay for them and the Ex to communicate. Why even put yourself in a place to question your relationship with the new because you're dwelling on the old- it didn't work out for a reason. I made this mistake before, and I hurt someone who really didn't deserve it. I tried to use him as a stand in. I told myself and him I was over it- it was a year ago why wouldn't I be? Well, I wasn't. Even though I never spoke to him, never even a hello, I thought about him all the time. To this day, he breezes through my mind occasionally. The difference now is that, I have absolutely nothing but friendly emotions toward him- I no longer wonder about what could have been because what is, what I have is wonderful...without him. :)

Cutting someone off with a sharp, clean snip may sound harsh, but should your new interest really have to deal with that (and most likely, the subsequent trust issues)? Sort out your feelings for the old person and then enter someoneelse's life in a romantic sense. Do you agree? If not, Please let me hear your opinions on it.

In the case that you don't have a new special someone in your life, I am a person that doesn't believe in burning bridges, even those that you no longer cross. Ex's, unless something malicious occurred, can definitely still be friends. In fact, it may help you to get over the person if you talk through your issues and come to a full agreement that breaking up would be the best for both of you.

As I said, I am really looking for people's opinions on this. It seems to be a common problem, and your words might help someone...

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Uuuggghhh!! UC Screws Me Yet Again...

Student Financial Aid (sfao) to me show details 12:46 PM (1 hour ago)

Dear S, The federal loans may only be divided up evenly between 3 quarters. We cannot allow you to take more than the 1/3 that you are already receiving.

Student Financial Aid Office
513-556-9171 (Fax)
One Stop Student Service Center

The above email is the response I received from the University of Cincinnati regarding having more than the allotted 1/3 of my financial for Autumn quarter- my final quarter of school. I'm a graduating senior, and 1/3 of my $7,100 is only $2364. A full quarter at school is over $3,000. That doesn't even include books. Thanks a lot Ohio, that's about another $1,500 I will need. What I don't understand is this- a Stafford loan is unsubsidized and just that, a LOAN. Why do they care how much money I get per quarter when I have to pay it back with interest anyway?! ::Sigh:: such Bullsh*t.

Impregnate Yourself...Or Turn It Off : Trey Songz - Ready

The new album, Ready, by Trey Songz dropped on September 1, 2009. I must say, I have NEVER been a big Trey Songz fan, but this album completely turned me out (lol). With sensual sounds reminiscent of the (once) great R. Kelly, this young artist has mastered "Baby Makin" music like a pro... at least my kind of baby makin' music. With the situation me and mines are in, I had to stop myself from listening to it on more than one occasion (to avoid self-impregnating lol). Even his intro- Panty Droppin'... Mm Mm Mm, had a sweet girl like me thinking all kinds of terrible thoughts! Give it a listen. My favorite tracks, thus far, are 2. Neighbors Know My Name 3. Invented Sex 6. Does He Do It, 9. Ready to Make Luv, and 10. Jupiter Love. I actually liked some others, but can't go giving him a big head :-) Now one track I absolutely hate is #8 - Lol :-). Yea, I know, I should clearly love it, since I love emoticons and "LoL"-ing, but I don't. Hate it. Great album overall; I'm impressed. If it wasn't for the danger to my sanity, this album would be on constant repeat.
Oh and PS.: He's been working out I see :-)

Friday, September 11, 2009

Late Night... Untitled...

Limits nor boundaries confine me
When the wide expanse of my mind comprehends what I see
When I look into your eyes
The only word that could possibly describe it is
Transforming through The Man Above into the woman
I’m meant to be, I need your spirit
Begging my change to go deeper.
You are that intrinsic factor, keeping me fresh.
In your eyes, I see a future of we, of us,
Reaching a zenith of happiness most people can’t attain in their dreams
Not constantly relying on the fire to keep our love aflame,
but the coals, the foundation that established our connection
A passion never ceasing or decreasing, my imagination couldn’t fathom
A lack of the tunnel vision infecting my mind…

Saturday, August 29, 2009


So, I'm teaching myself Korean (with the help of a few Korean friends). I figure I visit too often to not be able to hold a long conversation in the native tongue. Thus far, the language is easier than English. I'm off to study now, but if I seem MIA, just know that I'm training my tongue... lol, PAUSE...

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Man As Hero: Should I Expect Him to be The Eye of My Storm?

I think nearly every little American girl heard those sappy stories about the "knight in shining armour" growing up. Fortunately for me, I was never one to believe in such f*ckery. Yes, that came off as harsh, but in my world, a knight on a white horse was just a ridiculous thought. Now one idea I did like was that of a hero- particularly a superhero. Whenever I got mad at someone or I wasn't having a good time, I would imagine I had some X-man-like power, or that One of them came to rescue me. Maybe I was Rogue, taking away another person's power. Or maybe Jean Grey came to assist me with moving things with my mind- you get the point here. Well, I'm a grown woman now, and all thoughts of heroes have faded away, taken from the sand by the tides of reality. But have they really? I've never been one of those maudlin, romantic Mary's that wanted a man to save me, but with what's been going on in my life lately, I've been fantasizing of a hero again. The exception in this phase of my life, is that I do have a man there willing to support me. However, I'm so used to "supporting" myself, that I don't know how to strongly let him know that I need him. By 'strongly' I mean, how do I let him know I require his assistance emotionally, without losing the image of being a strong, independent woman in his eyes. Also, if I do decide to let him know, does this mean I'm putting the burden on him of being my "hero," my "Knight in Shining Armor?"

According to a book written by Joel N. Orr (Every Man a Hero, Every Woman a Coach): Every man is born to be a hero. Every woman has world-building skills that can help him accomplish that goal. If this is actually the case, it would mean I am slacking on my coaching duties and denying him the opportunity to be a "real" man to me. The problematic scenario would go something like the following in my mind: I will express to him how I feel (to a very superficial degree, I already have). He will comfort me at that moment...then, he will forget. I will become irritated because I'll feel that, when I've finally reached out, my feelings are being ignored. He won't notice this because he's very busy. However, it's not his fault that I rarely seek his help. Would it be right for me to want him to be the calm in my storm now?

I wouldn't expect a miracle, but I'd want to see empathy at the very least. I'm a simple girl- just shoot me a txt and ask how I'm doing periodically- I'm satisfied with that; many people wouldn't be. For me, this is how one could be my "knight." Its surprised me more than anything that I even need one, but according to a "Knight In Shining Armor" is someone who helps you when you are in a difficult situation. Everyone needs that at some point- or at least that's what I'm currentlt telling myself lol.
I guess I'm wondering, is right to expect a man to be your hero? I could have gone on and on with this topic, but I know, me myself- I prefer to read short works lol. Help me out with your opinions if you can...

A link related to the post topic. I don't necessarily endorse it, but I did find it to be intriguing:

Lovely People in Korea

This picture makes me smile... Gotta love a shot with the star of the show (-:

This is a great shot of my beautiful Korean friends and I at the studio, right before one of Pinnacle's shows. I really enjoyed those two. The great thing about girl talk is that you don't always need to speak the other's language to understand it. :) And d*mn what a tan I had lol

The Korean music scene is actually pretty fabulous!

Anna is so photogenic. One of the sweetest women you can meet. She and I have fun hanging out and going to performances together :) Not only is she pretty, she can sing her heart out!

This is the endless fruit platter they served in Club Answer. I realize it doesn't fall in the "people" category but it was so good.

Friday, August 21, 2009

A Summer of Progress

I ended up receiving All A's (A+'s in fact) in all of my summer abroad classes. Unfortunately, my university only accepts Study Abroad grades on a pass/fail basis. BUT, the grades will show up on my transcript even if they Don't affect the good ol' gpa. I still have one class left- that I took directly through my school. I think I have a B+ in there :(. I have an A on every exam, but I suck at participating in blackboard discussions. LoL.

In short people, my summer was beautiful. I recognized some elements of my personality- both good and bad. That sounds neutral right? Wrong. What it was...What it is... is beauty. I recognize my flaws and my strengths. Since I have knowledge of both of these things, I can proactively work on myself. I'm happy about that. I also discovered that I do have the capacity to * this summer. Now what exactly that means, I'm not sure. Right now, I'm happy being confused.informed.spontaneous. Clarity is always beauty... even when it hurts.

Sunday, July 12, 2009


Hello all! Sorry for the lack of updates. Korea has me busy (: pics coming soon
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Friday, June 12, 2009

Guess Who's "Bizack" !

I know I know, I haven't posted in a while- for that, I apologize. However, in my defense, I have been studying for my final exams (so far in my classes I have one A and one B+ yay!) and.... Packing/Planning for SK!! Yes, I got in to university there!! Thus my darlings, my summer shall be spent in the stifling heat of Asia. I'm really excited about this opportunity and hope to make the most of it. And there's a treat in it for you. Per my receiving a grant from my school to assist with my travels, I will be keeping a blog about my experience!

Now, onto some random rants:

1. Got My hair braided in Cincinnati (I should have known that would be trouble) at Kine Braids. I've only gotten braids one other time and that was in Atlanta. Imported hair. $375. One hair braider on mi cabeza. Salon Tres Belle (the braids were beautiful. I got compliments for days. Lasted long. did NOT break my hair off). I was trying to be a good little budget girl and go a bit cheaper. Well ya get what ya pay for. Though everyone else likes it, I am not impressed nor pleased. I had high expectations. I showed her a picture, and the workmanship simply falls short of what I desired. Oh did I mention I already had to pay her AGAIN to touch up some braids on the top, and it hasn't even been a month? Yea, I had to pay for maintenance after 3 weeks! Such BS., but Selah, such is life when you try to be financially responsible. (:

2. Sprint is the WORST phone company ever. I've had so many issues with them, that I could trouble shoot your phone AND your billing issues. Their customer service associates are rude and frequently incompetent. This weekend, I spent 2 HOURS on the phone being passed from representative to representative that didn't know sprint had a Repair/Replace/Exchange program that was NOT through Assurion! I get pissed just thinking about it. In the end, of course, I got my way, but I had to tell THEM what their own program was. Even one of the supervisors didn't know. Sprint SUCKS! I have a $579 Blackberry that drops calls ALL OVER The city I reside in, but gets PERFECT service in South Korea... Ridiculous. Two particular streets that I have to drive down EVERYDAY- calls drop and break up every. single. time.! Again I say, Sprint SUCKS!. Verizon and ATT both get beautiful service there. When I call to complain and explain the issue, they tell me they will send someone to the street. They never do. They always forget to make notes on my account. They "update" my software (although I have the latest software...always) to "fix" the issue instead. Did I mention that Sprint was a horrible cellular service to have? They have cheap plans within the US... that's the ONLY positive thing I can say.

3. Someone help me pack, please?? I am trying to decide which shoes to keep and which ones to take. I enjoy all my loves though... ::sigh:: the painful decisions of being fashionable....

Monday, April 27, 2009

My Own Show.Time.

I need a man whose words aren't shifting like the sand
under my feet
I need. I need. I need
Stability Mobility Security.
I refuse. To love. In Chains. ...

See, I was just a normal girl; till I
met this guy
love was just a 4 letter fantasy of the
weak, rarely crossing my mind
until you. you,
You crept down my axons, sent
a firing of potentials I never could have never was prepared
for These feelings. These emotions. This pain
consumes me when I observe the way
It ceases to consume you.
I need. I need. I need
Your heart. That piece of you
that you own of me
I cannot stand this
Inequality. You always Restricting me
Like Cinque I scream
Give. Us. Free.
I refuse. To love. In chains. ...

I need a man who can handle me
when I'm happy.sad.slightlycrazy,
Not afraid to let his emotions Be
I need. I need. I need
something that's real
Exposed. Raw. Free.
A real that's not ashamed to show
you care deeply
Lets go of Inhibition Opposition Limitation
I Refuse. To Love. In Chains.

As was stated in the message, this poem is NOT completely personal. Though connected to it, it does NOT represent me... ::N. Furtado- Showtime...:: is the inspiration, and it's release a few years ago prompted this work.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Blame It On The... Pink Cashmere...

Too bad I'm not an alcoholic... If you've been here from the beginning then you read my "Cashmere. Panties. and Champagne." Poem... I found the perfect Drink for my "Pink" haha-Nuvo... Sip up ladies :-)

Monday, March 16, 2009

When Does it Move Past Necessary to Nagging?

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, typically, what I write is probably fashioned toward topics that women are more interested in, but I would really enjoy a man’s perspective on this. We as people, not just women, want to feel happy and secure in our relationships. Everyone likes to have a sense that what they have is, indeed, theirs. These feelings, as sweet as they are, can cause many other side effects. Yes, side effects. To name a few, jealousy, insecurity and just overall annoying behavior. :: LoL ::. In all seriousness though, once someone begins to care for another person so deeply (or much worse, love), they tend to, in my opinion, make that person their everything. As Keyshia Cole puts it, they allow that person to “complete them.” As wonderfully romantic as that sounds, I think it can potentially cause problems. My issue with that concept (though I do love the song), is that the Lord should be the entity that completes you before any man ever does (do read The Lady, Her Lover, and Lord, great read from the “Woman Thou Art Loosed” series). Your identity should not lie with a man, especially if he’s not your husband. I agree that he should be endeared, cherished by you (if the relationship is that far along), but he should not actually be your “everything.” Ephesians 2:10 says that we are God’s workmanship- Not some man’s (or woman’s) but God’s. Anyway, once you incorporate a man into your essence, into your spirit, into you, all the little things he may do wrong, or simply not to your liking, might become more prominent. Your radar for potential competition is also heightened; though some, including myself (hehe), would never admit that. In my opinion, what logically follows after these onerous emotions are allowed to fester, are more arguments. Of course, it’s okay to communicate your wants and needs to your partner, and they should want to make you happy (and vice versa), but when does that “communication” get to be too much? I’m not sure where that limit is, but once a man becomes so indurate, salvaging what’s left of the relationship can be impossible.

I was watching the movie Fireproof, and a woman’s constant nagging of her husband eventually caused a huge implosion in their relationship (aka a very heated argument). Now, he never said that he wasn’t wrong, but he was making an effort to change. Most men, however, do not communicate that they realize what things, specifically, they need to work on. Things would be much easier if he would just sit you down and say, “Listen, baby, I know I’m doing XXX wrong; or I know I that I’ve been lacking in XXX area, but I recognize this, and I promise you I am working on it.” Since men don’t like to say the aforementioned statement, how else does a woman let him know, but to tell him? And, if she has to tell him because he refuses to communicate it himself, how many times is too many to mention it? If she tells him once, and he works on it for a while, but then reverts to his old ways, is it okay to mention it again?

Men, I’d love to hear your perspectives on this, because obviously, you’d know the answer better than I would!

Also if you're wondering what your "identity" in Christ is, here's a great site:

And here's an article on why nagging is Not the answer lol:

Thursday, February 12, 2009

"Perfect" Love or "Perfect" Lover?

While browsing information for a situation I am currently going through on my own (surprise surprise), I came across an interesting quote that got me contemplating love and myself in general. Here is the quote:

"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love". Tom Robbins in "Still Life With Woodpecker"

At first glance, I simply let it go, but I kept coming back to it... A startling statistic shows that 54% of unmarried, single Americans are Women ( With a percentage like that, perhaps Tom Robbins is right, maybe women do waste time trying to mold some random guy into their perfect lover. Take, *.*.*, yes her, again. Although she can't seem to let him go, I still feel for her on some level (that's deep deep deep down lol). She told me, in her own words, that she kept trying to force this man to be something he wasn't for her. For privacy sake, I will not say the exact amount of time; but I will say that she spent a great deal of time on this guy, only to have her hopes dashed against the harsh rocks of reality. She was in deep love, he was in like. So what is she really left with in the end of all this attempted molding and shaping? A lesson learned? Oh.yes., there was a lesson learned, but was all the pain worth that lesson? He doesn't even acknowledge her existence now. She spent so much time trying to create the perfect lover, she forgot the other part of the equation- the perfect love.

I can't throw too many stones though. Am I not doing the same, only in reverse, so to speak? He is basically the man I need him to be, we both have agreed to work on some things. However, I really don't spend that much time trying to mold him, I try to mold what we have between us. My reasoning to myself goes a bit like this, follow if you can: If what we have between us continues to grow, how can we not be growing as people too? By between us, I don't mean the physical either. I am referring to the uniting of our minds, the synchronizing of our spirits- that irreplaceable security in knowing that only we can have that We.Have. The kind of material I'm eventually trying to have is simple, 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 (Daily Bible Scripture - 1 Corinthians 13:4-5). Ha, I know, simple but and so.rare. My point is, what if I am spending so much time striving to create this beautiful music, this divine connection, between us, that I am missing something in him? Don't misunderstand, I am not oblivious to his flaws, but am I jumping the gun to assume that he is growing at the rate same rate as the feelings? I am careful to make sure we are both on the same page, and I like this page that we're on most of the time. Is that enough though, am I presenting myself with a healthy balance?

I don't want to end up being 40 years old and still owning a number in the composition of that 54%. So tell me people, does the perfect lover get made, when the perfect love is created? Or can you not have the "perfect love" without first having the "perfect" lover. And F.Y.I., for me, his beautiful flaws are all the "perfection" I need.

I'd really appreciate a male perspective, because I really don't think like the typical female (so.I'm.told).

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Update: The Arrival

The happy traveler did prove to be very useful. There was not long line at customs, and we ended up going right through. I'd expressed before that I didn't know if I would hug * or what... The or what is what scared me. He was in a rush to get to work, and my second bag took forever to come off of the luggage carousel. As I grabbed my second bag, I realized, this would be it.

There he is. I say a brief hello. I can tell he's nervous. I'm nervous too, but it's obvious that I have the upper hand. We stand together waiting for the bus to come, and then it happens.
In his friendly "Idon'treallyknowwhattosay" voice, "Heyyyyyy There! C'mere." He gives me a hug. I don't know if I want to stay strong or if I want to give in, let my knees buckle and fall into his arms.
His heart is beating so fast, so intensely, that I can feel it when he hugs me.
I decide to stay strong. "Emotions are for the weak ," I say to myself.
He lets me hear a new song he's been working. Cute enough (and therefore lame enough) we shared his iPod for the listen. A few brief words exchanged but not many. I praised my body for not betraying me at this point, not cracking too many smiles.
Well, we get to his job, and thankfully, he has to go right in to work.
I get time to think, to sort out this swirl of emotions. And what a swirl it is...

Quote Of The Day

"Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he could be, and he will become what he should be."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Monday, January 26, 2009

Obama Might Be A CrackBerry Too!

Check the article out at the link below!

After reading the article I feel even more proud to stand up and say, My name is Honey, and I.Am.A.Crack.Berry. :-)

Our new president refused to let go of his beloved BlackBerry when he took office.

"Don't say that in front of my BlackBerry!"

Thursday, January 22, 2009


The Rich Couple & The Friendly Traveler:
Now the title I’ve given them may sound a bit egregious but, they were actually very sweet and approachable. Older, probably in their sixties, one with graying red hair, the other totally grey and wispy. I noticed that they were placed on the stand-by list two ranks above me. I was sad about this, but I will still number 7 on the list, still hopeful. I think people in an airport, at the same gate, wanting the same thing must develop an automatic sense of camaraderie. I don’t mind this. Although I was not necessarily in the mood to talk, I think I needed to- my stomach was beginning to turn.
“How long have you been waiting,” she politely asks me, a warm smile. I can tell she is someone’s wonderful grandmother.
“I have been waiting for a little over two hours. They are saying they don’t know if they can fit us all due to a weight and balance problem on the plane.” I volunteer the stand-by list I was given, and they smile. Since they have worked for the airline company since 2000, they are bumped above 3 other people on the list, including me.
“This was last minute for us. We just got put on the list. We were trying to go to Tokyo, but the plane was too full.”
I noticed that although they are not dressed in flashy clothing or gaudy jewelry, they are rich. One can just tell. Not “Hilton” rich, but wealthy enough. The husband is one of those men that doesn’t wear his sense of entitlement without proper merit. He has worked for the finer things in his life, he has possibly reached the top of his game, and now he and his wife are enjoying the fruits of their labour.
“Oh,” I say, “my mother works for the airline, and she tells me they have 12 seats open. We should all be able to fit.” I say this more to reassure myself than to reassure them. They will be fine. This juncture also happens to be where the friendly traveler makes his appearance.
“The amount of seats doesn’t really matter, it’s an issue of balancing the plane’s weight, but I hope we can all get on.” I turn around, not only to see who has decided to throw in their $.10, but also to see who this person is with the oddly kind voice. When I do, I see dusty blonde hair, glasses, and, as expected, a very kind face. One could tell from his demeanor, even his posture that he “would not hurt a fly.” I instantly liked him, not in the flirtatious sense, but in the way one is attracted to people that exude such a pleasant spirit like he did.
“Yea, I keep forgetting that. I still hope we can all make it on.” I am nervous again; then I noticed that the CSR has called the top name on the list. We all wait to see who approaches the counter, but no one does. We all smile at each other, knowing that none of us is too upset over his missing the flight. I know I know, this sounds mean, but you must understand the disparity we all shared too board this plane.
The kind traveler smiles at me. Little did I know that he would prove to be a wonderful asset to me when I arrived at the Korean airport.
After much anticipation, we all board the flight with weary smiles.
I got seated in 4F, business class. It was spacious to say the least. I hadn’t made it to my seat, before they took my trench coat and hung it next to the other “important” coats. The leather was soft. The seat reclined in so many different combinations that all pointed to the same goal- relaxation.
There was a television set up with all my favorite HBO shows available for viewing and also several movies (The Dark Knight and Baby Mama among them). I was giddy with confusion, as I could not decide whether to watch Sex and The City or read about the Husband and His Sweethearts or just vibe to my iPod.
Although I’m a very classy woman, this was my first time in business class on an international flight. When the first meal was served, I had no clue which knife to use, or which fork. Fortunately, I am one of those women that is always blessed enough to be surrounded by someone intelligent and kind. The man next to me boarded with his wife and son. His wife was Thai and he was Caucasian. He helped me pull out the television screen when I had no clue where the button was. He helped me figure out how to turn the light on and off with his soft spoken directions. He would notice me struggling through my eyes, not my gestures, and simply do it for me. I looked to him to see which knife to use for what food. That man will never know what it meant to me for him to be next to me for the flight. He will never know the embarrassment he spared, the social knowledge he instilled…
As for the food, all I can say is this: Not all cocktail sauces are created equally, and the one on the plane was simply delectable. As were all of the served meals. The dessert was not spectacular at all, just ice cream with chocolate sauce.


I think as most everyone knows, I boarded a plane for South Korea on December 17, 2008. My reason for coming changed slightly, as the time passed, before I left for the trip. However, the core reason still remained and was also the source of my nervous excitement. Not butterflies, more like the nervousness that’s makes you want to privately vomit. Okay, I won’t lie, butterflies at some points, but for the most part, it was not a pleasant feeling. As I sat and waited in Atlanta to discover my fate (whether I would make it onto the plan or not), I engaged in conversation with various people with interesting stories to tell. Let’s see:

Random Woman with Sleeping Child:
She sits down by me, rushed and out of breath. “It is so hard to navigate through these airports with a stroller!”
I peek into the stroller to see a little angel’s chest going in and out, seemingly to some melodic beat that I’d never get to hear. Rosy cheeks and chubby little fingers that looked sticky. I smile to myself wondering what the mother had just been through, while the child’s hands were getting to their sticky state.
“Are the airports not very stroller-friendly?”
“They’re so big and the elevators are far and few in between.”I nod my head even though I have no clue about the locations of elevators in the airport (except the 2 right near the escalators). Perhaps this is what she meant lol.
The Military Black girl:
“I’m in the military, otherwise I would not be here.”
At this point, I’m not tired, so I accept her offer for asinine conversation.
“How come, you don’t like it there?”
“No, not enough black people,” She says and shakes her head.
Race was not a topic I intended to discuss at that moment, so I diverted to one of my favorites- food. “Do you have a favorite dish out there?”
She adamantly shakes her head no. “Some of the beef dishes are okay, but that’s about it for me.” I look at her and smile; she says, “I hope to see you on the flight,” as she leaves. They have allowed military persons to board first. I thought to respond with an, 'I hope to see you too,' but instead I just smile one of my bests... to her back..yeeaaa.
The two “Typicals” :
These two were particularly funny for me as they represented the typical movie portrayals of two overweight, young , white males that just love to have fun and get drunk. Characters from a National Lampoon, so to speak. Both had dark hair and little beer pudges, but were completely fine with it, completely unaware; All smiles, the entire two and a half hour wait- Reading magazines, listening to music.
“Duuuuude, we gotta get on this flight!” “It would suck to be stuck here.”
I smile at the sincerity in his voice and he notices. He says “Man, I just really have to make this flight. We got a party to get to!” This statement makes me smile even more as that would so be the reason for their rush. I also feel a kinship to them because I too am waiting on a seat that is vital to my well being.
“I look at him and say oh gosh I want to come!” Now, obviously, I did not care about the party they were attending, but I was bored, and great conversation always keeps me stimulated.
He says happily, “Sure, come on, the more the better, plus you’re hot!” This made me laugh but I turned away and put my nose back in my book Suddenly, I got a knot in my stomach as I realized where I was about to fly off to.
Rather, who I was about to fly off to.
Would we get along? Who knows, I ache to see him badly, but I am not over it. I still have so much pain and so much anger. The “cheating?” Yes, that too, but more so the “choice,” or rather , the lack there of. The fact that he told me “I choose you,” that for about two weeks he told me how I was the one he would want and then, just changed his mind. This was more hurtful than any “cheating” could have ever been. Cheating is expected from a man in his stage, unfortunately. You know the stage I’m referring to: “I’m a man but the boy in me still wants to play” stage. The stage where he is making that transition into who he truly is to become. Behaviour in this stage is erratic and at times careless, but when he’s a great man (and he is), the side that proves most successful and progressive for him is the side that will emerge as dominant. However, the latter situation cannot be passed off as simple boyish ways. Or maybe it can… I don’t think he understands the magnitude of the effect that his “decision” had on me, or perhaps just doesn’t care, but it gnaws at me relentlessly. The time out here has been so surreal, whimsical. Being close to him reminds me of Hubble (you S.A.T.C Lovvvahhss know what I mean lol). “Oh the way we were.” However, I must continuously wake myself up from this fantasy to remind myself that when “The Other” visits her affections received will be the same (or more). When one has to constantly question the authenticity of a moment, that special “something” is taken away from that moment. How do I know the things he is saying to me are not being said to her? Lord knows, he got an “A” in charm school, so it’s easy to fall but dangerous as well. I figured when I saw him that everything I’d been holding inside would flow sequatiously out of my mouth. It has not quite happened that way…
Anyway, back to the airport soiree (lol). My nerves are growing more jittery and palms more moist as I ponder the possibility that I might not make this flight. Obviously, I have to. I cannot let him down. I cannot let her down (lol you know she was mad), and I certainly cannot let the most important person of the equation down- myself.

The Update

Okay, I haven't written for a while and for good reason- L.I.F.E.! School has been hectic and, quite frankly, my mind is still in Seoul. I had a wonderful time. As most of you who follow know, I went out there to visit *. I began to write a long journal entry while there. An I warn you, I do mean LONG. in the following few posts, I will break down this long entry to make it easier and less lulling to read.

Friday, January 9, 2009