Thursday, August 25, 2011

Why Am I a Terrible Almost Friend?

Have you ever felt like you were pushing someone in your life away? I feel like I have this syndrome, wherein, I will get close to a person, genuinely like them, and then just... I don't know, fall flat. The fire just goes out. No, I'm not referring to romantic relationships. I used to be like that with men, but I'm currently in a romantic relationship that's been going strong for years now. Friends though? Ugh. That's how I know the few constant, long-term friends I have were made just for me... I actually work to keep them. It's not that I don't trust new people I meet (I don't -_-), it's just that I... well I give up. Call it a subconscious preservation mechanism or even conceit or selfishness, if you will. I'll take the bashing, because I do feel terrible for this character flaw of mine.

Without naming names (Though, this applies to so many people in my life, I doubt you'd figure it out), let me give you an example. There was a girl that I met out here and immediately hit it off with. I instantly liked her- we were similar, yet different where it counts (yes, I said what I meant). Long story short, I made a strong effort to, "seal the deal" for maybe 3 weeks. Then, I just stopped. No particular reason. The need for the friendship with her just faded. Perhaps she wasn't responsive enough to my efforts. Perhaps I felt she wasn't genuine, who knows? We're still cool, and, at times, I wish I'd done better. I'm just a  terrible keeper-upper-wither <---- LOL, welcome to my dictionary.

Is it just me that's this terrible of a person? Please say no... haha

Friday, August 12, 2011

It's Not Promised.

You know, it's truly astonishing for me to see how young people these days still feel that sense of invincibility, and treat life like it's nothing. That carefree attitude that nothing bad can happen... simply because they are young. A friend lost his sister to cancer today- his young sister. When I say young, I mean under age 30. I don't see how young people today could feel so distant from death and turmoil because the internet has become an intrinsic part of our daily lives.

As soon as I saw the FB update, I said to myself, "Oh No! Please don't let it be who I think it was!"... I searched.

My point in the above is simple- these days you don't have to read the "Obituaries" section of the newspaper to find out who died. Log on to your favorite social networking site, and it's right there, in your face. Not only the ease of access, but when the deceased person also has a profile/account on the site, you get to see just how many lives they touched. How different it is, to see photos of someone, laughing. smiling. living; than to simply read about who they left behind and who loved them. For goodness sakes, this girl JUST took a smiling picture of herself. That boy was JUST photographed at a party with his friends. They were all vibrant... until they weren't. Seeing these photos of someone with a vivid life, viewing the comments left about them, the memories... My gosh, how can you not appreciate your life more!? How can you not realize that the next day isn't promised?

So people, I say to you with a somber heart this morning, please stop taking life for granted. Who knows when you won't have the choice to do so anymore.. R.I.P. B.D. May God bless your family with a peace that surpasses any earthly understanding.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Ahhh The Answering Machine...

Am I seriously the only one who misses answering machines? The girlish giddiness that came with waiting on that certain someone to leave a message, saving and replaying the message when it was someone you liked...

Now mind you, when answering machines were around, I certainly wasn't of age to be experiencing such things, but my siblings and friends were. I can remember the exuberant joy they expressed when the message came- a request for their time (ie. a date); and the tears when the message never came. Nowadays, I guess we just wait for... a text messgae/IM/e-mail? I feel like I missed out!

I, for one, never check the voicemail on my personal cellphone, and anyone that knows me well, knows not to even bother. Anyway, I don't have much to say on this topic. I have a boyfriend... would you guys judge me if I bought an answering machine and asked him to leave sweet everythings and anythings on it? :-)

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Spiritual Accountability... The Lack Thereof

As I was reaching out to a God I don't deserve, I thought of something a pastor once told me, that God can't hear you if you don't come to him with a clean heart... does He ever hear me then? This is what I'm afraid of. I try to remind myself that God is a merciful God, but geez, me? It's overwhelming to think that an entity so great could love the real me- someone who lies, lashes out and falls short... constantly. Doe He truly have enough grace to cover a sinner like me? Am I remorseful? Yes. Am I always full of repentance and asking for forgiveness? Of course, but I still commit the same sins, again and again. For instance, cursing. I seriously repent for this every day. When will He get tired of me not kicking this habit? I went 6+ months without cursing once, but my current situation, environment just...upsets the mess out of me. Even still, I need to learn how to choose happiness more often.

Anyway, I said all that to ask those of you, with like-minded faith and perhaps even similar problems, that you keep me in your prayers. Prayer is powerful. I know from firsthand experience, and I never let anyone tell me different. Where I currently reside, there is such a lack of spiritual support- no one to have accountability to, on a spiritual level. I
 need that- without judgment, but with much blunt honesty and love. Anyone need an e-accountability partner? (Lol), but seriously... I was so proud of my boyfriend the other day, when he "checked" me regarding something I'd said. Though he did not exercise this check in a loving nor nonjudgmental way (ha), he still did it. And, I suppose I can't be too picky right now. ^^

Sorry for the rambling, but I needed to get this out. After all, is that not what blogs are for? Perhaps I should find a way to get this thing separated into sections by topic? Have a good week people!